Exhausted and overwhelmed - cross-posted

[x-posted with new member forum] Hey all, I'm new here and wanted to introduce myself. I'm a 26 year old mom living in the developing world with two children I adopted about a year ago. I run a nonprofit working with the orphanage they were adopted from, among other things. I'm married but my husband has been away the last few months, he'll be back on Tuesday. I've dealt with major depressive episodes and anxiety my whole life, and I'm on several meds which help. I was hospitalized once for depression about 6 years ago, but have been doing better since then.

I think my depression is back, but it's in a different form than I've experienced it before. I'm not sad or hopeless, I'm just exhausted all the time. I feel like I don't want to get out of bed in the morning and all day I'm just trying to get through and go to bed. It's not a physical illness, although I have been getting sick more often because of the stress. I am just emotionally completely tapped out and empty. Not that I'm emotionless as in apathetic, it's just really tiring to summon up the enthusiasm and energy for everyday life. I feel like I'm letting down my kids and myself, and all the other people who rely on me.

A lot of this is stress, and a lot of it is grief, and I'm aware of that. I'm essentially doing 5 people's jobs, in the developing world, as a new mom. It's impossible and everyone is clear on that. We're in the process of hiring new staff but it takes time, and our organization is growing REALLY fast. We also lost a baby girl at the orphanage a few months ago, tragically and suddenly, and I am still REALLY struggling with that loss. I have been so busy and overwhelmed that I haven't truly allowed myself to grieve, and I'm so stressed that I'm scared if I really let go, I will completely break down and be unable to function in my life. I have too many people depending on me for that. Lulu came to the orphanage and into my life exactly a year ago today, and I am not doing well with the anniversary. But again, I can't cry - even though I kind of want to - I think because my brain is suppressing the pain along with everything else right now, because it's just too much. There isn't even anyone else here who loved and knew her, and the only people who do aren't willing to talk about her. My parents are supportive but they didn't know her and it's just not the same.

I'm just struggling. Every day. I feel like I'm walking through molasses. I put on a smile and I get everything done but I am right on the edge. Help?

I'm so sorry you're going through this difficult time, with so much stress and responsibility. For me, anniversaries of the deaths of people I loved are very difficult. I begin to feel agitated some days in advance, can't sleep and find myself tearful at odd times. I've never found a way to prevent the feeling from coming if the death was especially unexpected and tragic, as Lulu's death was for you. You sound like an extremely loving person.

This is what has worked for me: As the feelings come, and I find myself sinking down or getting agitated, I remind myself that this feeling WILL pass. Maybe it won't pass forever, but the intensity will lessen for weeks or even months at a time. And then I tell myself that if it comes back, I WILL be able to stand it. I wont' like it, but I can stand. The intensity of the pain seems to be proportional to the intensity of the love and the tragedy of the early death.

I remind myself, gently, very gently, that I'm grieving because I loved, and I'm fortunate enough to have other people around me to love, people who need me.

My deceased loved one's would have kicked my behind halfway around the world and back again if they saw me refusing to live. They'd want me to grieve and go on. And I know that's true. They loved me and they wouldn't want me to suffer forever.

Lulu may have been too young to communicate complex thoughts but she would have felt your love and presence. No one who loves us would want us to grieve for too long.

Unfortunately, life sometimes does not give us time to set aside to grieve. We have to grieve as we continue with everyday life. When the anniversaries hit, I feel the sorrow with deep intensity and it helps to remind myself to let it wash through me and leave. It's a sign of how much I loved and was loved back. If I look at it that way, the sorrow becomes bittersweet rather than just bitter.

I hope you will be gentle with yourself during this difficult time. Your husband will be home soon and I hope he will help relieve some of the load on your shoulders.

Please remember to eat and stay hydrated, especially as the day of your husband's return approaches. If you can muster the energy or get help, clean up the house, have some food available and take the time to clean up and make yourself and your two kids presentable. Why? Things will go better if you don't scare your husband the minute he walks through the door. Remember to breathe. I hope you and your husband will be able to talk and he will help take over some of the responsibilities weighing on you.

I will light a candle for Lulu tonight and remember how much you loved her. Perhaps others here at PsychCentral will do the same, remembering her with you. Her life mattered and so did your love. That's a very special thing. It's worth celebrating. This pain will lessen ... maybe always be there, but it will lessen in time. The more we love, the more we suffer. And then we go on. That idea has helped me through the darkest hours of my life.

I will think of you with greatest respect.

It remimds us of how much they loved you and how much you have loved, i like that line. i will pray for you and everyone in the situation with you and hopefully you can breath better and ease the pain.

Welcome! It's no wonder you're exhausted. Do you have any kind of therapeutic support?

I admire you