Ramblings from a Newbie

I'm not one to "air my dirty laundry", especially online. On one hand, I don't want to talk because it doesn't do any good. I'm so sick of people, so sick of putting on a smile when I just want to cry and scream shut the ---- up! I'm so jumpy...the slightest thing sets me off. Doesn't help I work at a hospital and take public transportation. Most days it takes everything in my being not to snap. I guess the fear of embarrassment overpowers my need to have an emotional breakdown in public. My mother, bless her heart, who also suffers from depression tells me "This will pass." Really?! When? Tell me. Because I've watched you my whole life, tried to hold it together while you're "in your cave", made excuses, and tried to be understanding.

I'm really not sure what to say. I don't look anyone in the eye (never really have) unless I absolutely have to. I hate being approached...lashed out on some poor fella at the train stop tonight. Not proud of that. Thank goodness I have mace. This IS Chicago after all. I do just enough at work to not get fired, but in all honesty, I don't even really do my job anymore. I just sit there. Mindlessly browse the internet, walk around the building...just pass the time. I forget to eat. That sounds silly, I mean, how do you forget to eat? I don't think about it until my stomach growls and even then I don't want much.

The only thing I'm remotely interested in is finishing my associate's degree. I'm just a few courses shy of finishing and waiting for my next course to ship. So I'm reading The Divine Comedy. For fun. I throw myself into puzzles. Or sleep. Nothing super engaging.

My logical side tells me I have no reason to feel this way. Yes, life gets crappy, people have bad days. According to my mother, I'm not reacting to stress the way a "normal" person should, whatever that means. "You need better medication," she said. I take 75 mg of Effexor every night. Before that I was on Zoloft and tried to wean myself off just for poops and giggles. Bad idea. Don't recommend it. Doc gave me Xanax for the jitters and jumps but all it does is make me sleepy and I don't want to rely on that. And yes, I do see a therapist twice a month. I've told her some stuff but I still keep a lot inside...counterproductive right?

I'm open to ideas on how others get through this because quite honestly, I hate living this way. I hate myself for not being able to beat THIS, although I'm not really sure what THIS is anymore. Depression? Anxiety? Selfishness? I watch people everyday go through so much worse. I try so hard....and I'm exhausted.

Thanks for reading...

Hi there,

I'm only a newbie on here to, but I hear you...

The last year and a bit things had gotten really bad for me. It feels like a blur. All i clearly remember is just wanting it all to end. Today is the first time I've felt light in forever. I've started new medication and had a recent increase in dosage, honestly I did not have much hope that it would even make a difference. Don't get me wrong I still feel fragile and know it's probably just one day, but I'm so,so very thankful for it. I've remembered what it feels like to be alive again.

I don't know whether it will be helpful or just smell of cheese, but for me taking it day by day is the only way I've survived this long...the good days make it worth it and there is always the hope that maybe there will be more good ones than bad ones...the good days give me hope and the hope gives me the strength to carry on

All the best

Welcome to pc

You get so down on yourself for not being able to beat this, and yet you also mention that you let your therapist know so little about what you're facing. You're not alone with this, and there's no need to beat this alone either. Let your therapist in so she/he can really help. THAT's how you beat this.

And I'm not meaning to condemn you or put you down, that's not what I mean. Rather I want to encourage you to see the hope that's there. A lot of times, when we feel so down, the simplest things can pull us through. Many times it's all about focus. I often times put myself in situations where I set myself up to fail, then I blame myself for failing. Really, it makes perfect sense that I feel depressed! But beating myself up only makes me more depressed. Instead, I have to force myself to focus on what hope is there, even when I don't trust it or believe in it. Some may call that being naïve, I call it survival.

And it may be hard to let others in, but many times that's the only way we can get healing. It's hurts to be vulnerable, but we can't do this alone either. Nor do we have to.

I hope this gives you some encouragement. I hope it helps to know that you're not alone.