Keep getting hit while I am down

So I keep getting hit while I am down.....I was just recovering from the last asthma attack, getting back up to my usual level of fitness (40 minute swims of 2-3000m each -3 days a week) when I got a concussion. I was laid flat for two weeks, could not do anything, really down for a month. I took this last week off to rest and start exercising again. I swam twice for about 10 minutes...max a 500m swim, slow. I've been laid out flat for 3 days each time.

How can I possibly get back to fitness if I am laid flat from a 10 minute swim (when I am not working) for 3 days? I go back to work tomorrow and can't afford that level of fatigue during my workday.

This keeps happening. I've had over 20 medical/family leaves in the last 4 years. For silly things like both parents having cancer at the same time, pneumonia, pulmonary embolisms, severe uncontrollable adult onset asthma that knocked me on my *** for 2 weeks at a time (at one point I was down for 6 weeks, because I would recover and then have another). Severe blood loss. Blood transfusions. 2 wrist injuries, a concussion, a knee injury, injuries to fingers on both hands at the same time. Depression, Anxiety, PMDD, Caregiver exhaustion. There's probably other stuff.

I've used up FMLA, Sick time, vacation time, donated time and other resources 2-3 times over. I use my sick time faster than I can accrue it.

I just can't do this anymore. I can't recondition so that I can exercise at recommended levels, only to be struck down yet again. And then struck down again after recovering.

I am tired of spending all my time trying to get better. Something is badly wrong with my life because this is not normal. I don't go out anymore because why bother? I'll get in the habit of living freely and then it will be that much more difficult to manage when I get hit again.

At one point I took that Rahe-HOlmes scale and my score was over 600. At 300 they say that you are at high-very high risk of illness or injury. Today, I am at 453. These things seem to hit every 2-4 months. It's been a month since the concussion, and so another month or so before the next thing.

Honestly, I don't even want to stop for this **** anymore. I mean, if it's just one thing after another regardless of what I do, then why stop for it anymore? Even in zombie movies they get to the point where they don't stop for the zombies anymore, they just mow them down.

Because of all the things that have happened, my fences have fallen down, my lawns are gone, my carpets are crap (because I tipped past the point of trying to keep them clean), the house is cluttered with crap. I look at all of it, and I don't have the energy to deal with it. There's too much of it, everywhere I look there's yet another pile of crap that needs to be gone through. I am about ready to just throw it all out wholesale, but can't even do that because there could be something important in it.

I was doing pretty well. I thought that I had weathered this time okay. except that now I think I am depressed again. It's not going away. No matter how hard I try.

Hello and good evening Bigblackdog. I really feel for you, having so many things stacked up against you ~ ~ darling, anybody would crumble and fall by the wayside. However, now you're with us at Psych Central, use the site to maybe start a journal or such as the like, so that both you and us (or your friends) can follow your progress. I know you'll have to start with what I'd call ''baby steps'' and see how you go. I have to admit though, that you really have had it pretty rough BUT, please please don't let it beat you (easy for me to say I know). Lets hope that just one positive thing can lead to a few more positives. How about we say that you've been at rock bottom and now it's the way forward, hard as it is. I will think of you and visit you to see how things are going. I send you HUGS and more than that besides. XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Bigblackdog, I'm with Waggiedog, try taking "baby steps" in your recovery. Good grief what a rotten string of events!

side note - a concussion can cause or contribute to depression

I have always found house cleaning to be of the most benefit when I feel my world is crashing down, even if I can't clean often I do as much as possible. I pick one small area like my desk and make sure it is spotless and if I still feel okay I move to another spot.

I find that a clean house invigorates me mentally and slows down my speeding brain.

I was doing really well. No depression, but a great deal of anxiety around 'resting' and the restrictions. I am so tired of being told to rest. I have been resting for 4 fricking years. I want to have life. Being told to rest is like a curse now.

But the not being able to exercise when I otherwise feel okay just sucks. Exercise is a big part of managing symptoms of depression for me and I keep getting hit with things that physically keep my from exercising.

Little stuff, like not being able to breathe. Not being able to stay awake long enough to do anything. Being exhausted when I have done nothing to exhaust me.

It's that it keeps happening, that I keep getting past one thing, only to hit another......like you're climbing out of a well, it takes a long time and your arms can't take anymore, and someone drops the bucket on you, knocking you down to the bottom again. Every time.

HOnestly, I am beyond thinking things will get better. Because everytime I even think that, I get hit with the damn bucket again. For three years, I got to the new year and thought, okay, past all that, next year will be better. Then Dad had a recurrence on Jan 11 2012. Then I wound up in IOP on Jan 15 2013. I had a bad asthma attack on Feb 8 2014 and out for two weeks. AGain in April, June. Concussion in August. At this point, having hope seems to itself be the thing that triggers another event. This last time I did not take leave because I am tired of the paperwork. The paperwork is the insult to injury.

Well, according to the Holmes-Rahe scale, things have improved. I am now at 449. Down 4 points.

I am so sorry to read all this. It seems when it rains it pours and you're experiencing a downright flood from continuous downpours!

I understand how completely exhausting that is. Long term stress and exhaustion eventually lead to depression, not to mention effects from illness and meds.

I feel for you and hope you find several forms of respite soon.

kd

I'm sorry you're not in a good place right now.

Wishing you light and healing.

I too wish you healing and light

I hit rock bottom today, walked off of work on a FMLA covered absence, and then in a moment of clarity made arrangements to go to a group session.....the moderators/facilitators are recommending IOP for me.

They will be talking to my pdoc about the referral.

I feel calmer on this than I have in awhile. Like admitting that I am not functioning properly has calmed the churn'd seas. I think that's a good sign