I don't know

I don't know why I'm alive i.e, why I'm doing what I do. I have no enthusiasm for what I'm studying, When I graduate, and find myself a job, I certainly don't see myself doing it everyday for a living. I had dreams, aspirations and goals, I seem to have forgotten them thanks to my depression.

Now I'm like an empty, hollow shell, a shadow of my former self, I am like a living spectre, phantom. My life is like a videotape stuck on repeat, I do the same things everyday, not questioning why...... wait... infact, I do question why, but I know it's ultimately pointless. I am not happy at all, there's some kind of mental block in my head that's preventing me from imagining my future, what will I do when I grow up? relationships? family? I just don't want to think about them. If time stopped, I wouldn't know because it would make no difference. There's a voice in my head that asks "Why the hell should I be happy, what have I done to deserve happiness?"

Every time my mom calls me , she asks me how I'm doing, I tell her "well, I'm still alive".

In a few days, I'll post another thread on here, and the cycle continues, as soon as I go offline, I turn into a zombie.

Great description.

Depression can draw a thick veil over both the future and the past.

So sorry to hear how you feel? Are you seeing a pdoc and a therapist. I just came off of a two year depression. It DOES end.

Haven't seen a therapist since may, I'm kind of overwhelmed with stuff, and I'm kind of in debt right now, so can't afford it too.

My life is just so flippin monotonous too. Nothing different ever happens. No progress whatsoever, it's like watching the same movie over and over again, you learn every quirk, every bit of dialogue, you master it, but you're bored as all hell, and you want something to change.

Hi brokenentity, well I think you've "nailed it" with "I had dreams, aspirations and goals, I seem to have forgotten them thanks to my depression".
This doesn't need to be all you can be/all you will be. It is the depression talking and while sometimes there's nothing realer than the way you're feeling, that doesn't mean to say that things can't change.
And I know change/making it through to the "other side" really isn't easy, and it might take time before you're able to do that with support..........but decisions about the future........well no rush to dive into them anyway, hey??
First thing first is you, and you gradually feeling better. One step at a time..........bit by bit.
And if there are any things you are able to do, considering how you're feeling, e.g. just including one extra activity a week, doing something (however small) just for you/something that helps just a little once a day.....once a week..........
And maybe talk a bit more to people about how you're feeling..........???
And definitely talk to us!!!
Alison