[conswell]

I'm somewhat new to this site and I posted this in Coping with Emotions when it should've been posted here. I've been diagnosed with major depressive disorder.

I'm a 34 year old college graduate (Master's degree). I have no children or significant other. I have a pretty good job that has me working part time hours for full time pay. With all these blessings, I still feel like my existence is absolutely pathetic and worthless. I don't have many friends because I've pushed most of them away with my mood swings and anger and the friends I do have are busy with their own lives and children. I feel so lonely ALL of the time. I long for someone to share my life with and the more I realize that it's probably never going to happen - the worse off I feel. I spent too much time watching TV and I have no life. I think about suicide all the time but I don't really want to do it to myself - it's more like I wish I'd die in an accident so my parents and family wouldn't be as hurt as they would be if I had taken my own life. Each night I lie in bed and think about writing my final letters but I never end up doing it, which may be a good sign I suppose.

I'm very tired of feeling this way - hopeless about the future and about my existence. It's all very exhausting. How I long to be a carefree child again sometimes.

A part of me thinks that if I had a husband or children, I wouldn't be so lonely, and would have a purpose and some meaning in my life. I don't even have a pet and I don't think I want one.

I'm even considering buying a house but my depressed self tells me, "what do you need a house for? It's just your lonely self that's going to be living in it!"

I'm currently on Pristiq, 50 mg, but the more I research, the more I want off this and all drugs. I feel like the drug is making me lose my memory. Anyone have experience getting off Pristiq? It's a hard medication to taper off of because the pill only comes in 50 & 100 mg's.

Thanks for reading.

[Altered Moment]

I know how you feel. I have often prayed I would wake up dead and not have to do it myself. Or that I would get in a fatal accident and it would not be my fault. Or even to get a fatal fast acting disease. In my experience it can be a very debilitating, lonely, horrendous disease.

You may think about therapy. And you may check out this section.
Other Treatments - Forums at Psych Central

I have come off of Pristiq and many others without any problems. I am very lucky when it comes to side effects and withdrawal symptoms though. I don't even get withdrawal when I quit caffeine.

[Curupira]

Ugh, I hate playing side effect roulette. Best advice on that is be as open and honest with you doc about your side effects and what parts of your personhood you are not willing to compromise on.

As to the rest of it, I feel you there as well. Depression is a real jerk and bully, he saps you of everything you have and makes you feel like nothing is ever good enough. I am also amazed at the cognitive dissonance I live with. I have a wonderful life but there are times when just getting out of bed feels like a wasted effort.

Best I can say is keep fighting kick that jerk in the nuts it will slow him down for a little bit. I have actually told mine to f**** off before

[wildflower120]

I can completely relate to your feelings. I’m 36, no kids and no boyfriend. I was married in my early 20’s, but only for a year. That year was very stressful. I work with a lot of married women with kids, and their very lonely, some of their husbands are emotionally abusive and cheat on them. I look at them and think if that’s the “American Dream” they can keep it. But deep down I would like a significant other to spend time with or just a close friend to laugh and talk with.

[Fuzzybear]