I had everything, I fear I may have lost it all.

Why did I take for granted the things that I should have been more grateful for? Why am I such a pale shadow of my former self? Even though I resemble the same person I was many years ago, what I see now is a hollow, lifeless, unhealthy, unhappy, unattractive shadow of my former self.

I was praised and loved, I was told I was 'beautiful', I never really liked it at the time, I hated it, it made me feel alienated, I was remarkable, unique and special, but I hated it because the jealous and spiteful people around me made me feel awful for being 'remarkable'. I spent so much of time praying so that one day I could be 'unremarkable'

..... and it happened, it was all my fault, I didn't take good care of myself because the people around me made me hate my looks, I've transformed into something that lacks all it's former glory. Things aren't any different now, back then I was sick of all the praise, now I'm sick of all the ridicule. Praise felt a lot better than ridicule

Hurtful words have been said to me recently, my aunt said 'you look nothing like you once did', with a smirk on her face ; she had no intention of hiding it either. My mom says 'someone put a curse on you, son'. I can't believe what has happened to me, neither can the people around me, some are sad about it, others express their glee, since putting someone else down makes a lot of people feel better about themselves.

I've always been the same person at heart, that's what hurts me the most.

[regretful]

I know what you mean about regret...not about "beauty", but about work...I had it all, then I quit a job that I enjoyed...I'm filled with regret about that. I hope that things improve for you

[TheOriginalMe]

Many years ago I destroyed my appearance because I thought I was ugly. It doesn't make much sense to me now, but it is too late and I'll never get back what I destroyed. I thought I was protecting myself from being hurt, but in reality I was just hurting myself. No one ever really said anything about how I'd changed, I guess everyone just put it down to depression.

I hope you can find a way to live more comfortably with yourself and not be hurt by other people's comments.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity it's not your fault
If people were tearing apart your self esteem, your self respect, your motivation, your self worth and add to that depression...........it's not your fault, and it's completely understandable how you might have "let things go". But none of that makes you matter any the less.
So now I want you to be looking in the mirror and seeing that "same person at heart", because that's the person who matters, you!!!
Doesn't matter at all what you look like, there's been reasons for that anyway. Now that person deserves support, deserves acceptance, deserves to be valued, right??!!
So hurtful words........negative comments..........you don't deserve them, don't accept them, they're based on ignorance right? They're not based on who you are.
So if they want to come up with **** well that's their problem, why should it be yours just because they have no idea about your true worth.
So remember that's them........there are going to be people who aren't going to make you feel bad, who aren't going to make you feel even worse about yourself, who are going to be there for you.
And I don't know what you look like, I don't care what you look like but I can tell you that you are still "remarkable, unique and special".
So that person in the mirror, well maybe what they really need is to feel better about themselves, some support, some help with the depression, hey??
Maybe/probably they'll/you'll look better afterwards.......but that's the least of it, hey??
What matters is the way you're feeling, and you do deserve better.
And if you want to start with us in the support............here for you
Alison

[Idiot17]

I've often thought of destroying my current appearance and giving up the job I enjoy (most times) thinking that then life will be simpler and easier, no more haters.
(((((Brokenentity)))))

I'm surrounded by people who feel better about themselves because I'm miserable now, it seems there are people who just love seeing others fall. I'm going home tomorrow, and wonder how my mom will react, haven't seen her in 3 months.

I just can't sit here doing nothing, I'd sink even deeper, I need to take better care of myself. I'm my worst critic when it comes to my own appearance.

It just amazes and saddens me as to how the times have changed for me.

[Frankbtl]

Hi brokenentity,

Other than the obvious thoughts about "people who just love seeing others fall" you know I tend to "feel sorry" for people like that, if you know what I mean.
To get pleasure out of something like that..........!! To not actually get to see, understand and really care............to exclude people because of/despite.........and just because someone's struggling doesn't mean that they aren't still someone amazing, yet to miss out on all of that................to be lacking recognition of someones worth/value...........
Anyway I could go on, but maybe you could turn your view just a little around on how you're seeing them??? Just a little??? Afterall, however you're feeling, I'd say that there's a lot more wrong with them than with you

Really hope things go OK/not so bad with your mum, but regardless maybe just try to get something/anything from being away, hey??
And don't forget we're here too if you're struggling at any time

And self care...........you're probably thinking "I should be doing this......I should that.........I should be doing the other............"???? But honestly just start really small, that's absolutely fine..........and however long it takes to...........it doesn't matter. Just try to do the odd small thing for yourself/to make you feel just a little better, it all counts. Not so tough on yourself, OK????!!!!!
And not so much about your appearance to others being the main purpose of self care (because you know there's a whole lot more to you than the way you look!! ) maybe make it a little more about what makes you/yourself feel better???

And anyway..........."It just amazes and saddens me as to how the times have changed for me"
..........you might have looked different then but since then you'll have grown, you'll have matured (in a good way!!! ), you'll have new/more insight, you'll have had experiences you'll have learned from (good and bad), you'll have met more people and learned from them, you'll have learned more about yourself (including things you do/don't like)..............
So yes, times have changed, but they will have changed in positive ways as well.

And hey, times have changed, you've found us!!!
We like you for who you are!! That's got to be a positive, right??



Alison