[tigerlily84]

I have family visiting from another country and they want to see me. I want to go, but I'm having such a hard time leaving the house lately. Not going would be extremely rude, because I haven't seen them in years.

The trouble is, it's difficult talking on the phone or even texting anyone back lately, which irritates people. Sometimes I just can't talk, not even by text. Seeing people in person just reminds me just how difficult it is to interact with people. It's like I've forgotten how to be a human being. I've been isolating for the past few months, really, which is why several of my family members have been concerned. I don't want an inquisition, which I know that I'll get. I don't want to talk about depression and anxiety because they aren't the most understanding bunch regarding that stuff. So in their eyes there's no "reason" for me to be acting this way.

I also want to say, that I realize how lucky I am to have a family that loves me. I am in no way saying that I don't want them around, nor do I want to seem ungrateful. But they seem to lack boundaries. When I tell them to back off that makes it worse, so I usually end up giving in and going to see them even when I don't want to. Sometimes it does help my mood to see them, but for a while now, it just brings me down. I feel guilty but I don't know how to explain without telling them about my issues.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with family and friends in the midst of a depressive episode?

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

I have family visiting from another country and they want to see me. I want to go, but I'm having such a hard time leaving the house lately. Not going would be extremely rude, because I haven't seen them in years.

The trouble is, it's difficult talking on the phone or even texting anyone back lately, which irritates people. Sometimes I just can't talk, not even by text. Seeing people in person just reminds me just how difficult it is to interact with people. It's like I've forgotten how to be a human being. I've been isolating for the past few months, really, which is why several of my family members have been concerned. I don't want an inquisition, which I know that I'll get. I don't want to talk about depression and anxiety because they aren't the most understanding bunch regarding that stuff. So in their eyes there's no "reason" for me to be acting this way.

I also want to say, that I realize how lucky I am to have a family that loves me. I am in no way saying that I don't want them around, nor do I want to seem ungrateful. But they seem to lack boundaries. When I tell them to back off that makes it worse, so I usually end up giving in and going to see them even when I don't want to. Sometimes it does help my mood to see them, but for a while now, it just brings me down. I feel guilty but I don't know how to explain without telling them about my issues.

Does anyone have any advice on how to deal with family and friends in the midst of a depressive episode?

Hello tigerlily: Since I don't have family or friends at this point, I'm probably not the best person to be replying to your post. But you mention you've been isolating for a while now. I keep pretty-much to myself as well. And, what I know is, the more time I spend by myself, at home, the more difficult it becomes to get back out when I need to.

It's unfortunate your family is here now while you've been isolating. The ideal thing would be to start getting out a bit at a time, prior to their arrival, & build up so you were ready when they did arrive. There may not be time for this now. But could you perhaps venture out a couple of times before seeing them, just to get your sea legs, so to speak?

On occasions when I do have to go out & be amongst acquaintances, one thing I always do is to look as good as an old geezer like me can look. I find, if I'm well-dressed, my hair looks good, etc. people tend to not dwell on my mental or emotional state.

Also, before the event, I try to focus on the positive aspects... the ways in which I know I'll enjoy the experience once I get there. In other words, you might say, I psych myself up. (Once you get there smile & hug allot.)

I also work at trying to inject humor into the conversation wherever possible. I was once told, by a friend who was active in local theater, that I was a bit of a "quick study". In other words, she thought I was good at coming up quickly with things to say. I don't know if that was really true. But I do look for opportunities to make a joke, or a funny comment, mostly about myself (not self-deprecating.) It lightens the atmosphere &, here again, helps keep peoples' minds (& the conversation) off of things I'd rather not discuss.

Beyond that, I just steel myself against the inevitability of the experience & try to breathe deeply. I know it's going to happen, there's nothing I can do about it, so I just grit my teeth & show up.

Oh... the other thing that might help is to think, ahead of time, about the questions you know you're going to get & to come up with some responses you're comfortable with. Think of it as a job interview type situation. After a while, when one is interviewing for jobs, one gets to know what questions will be asked. So you can develop effective responses to them & practice delivering your lines.

My best wishes with regard to your reunion...

[tigerlily84]

Skeezyks, thank you for your kind reply. Other than my family, I can only count one person as a friend, and I see her perhaps once or twice a year.

You raise some very good points about keeping up appearances regarding looking good. Showing up disheveled will only provoke more questions that I won't be able to answer. Without realizing it, I did the same things previously when I eventually met up with my family after a long period of "hibernation." I don't know that I'm as gifted as you are in coming up with things to say. I tend to just stare ahead blankly, like an idiot. But having some answers readily available will definitely be helpful. Now I just have to think about how to answer when I'm asked why I haven't been answering their phone calls...

"Oh, I just get involved with other things & I forget..."

"That darn (phone / answering machine / service.) I don't know what's going on. I seem to miss allot of calls..."

"Oh... did you call?"



There's a gambit in the sales biz you might try, if you feel up to it. The technique is: first someone asks a question you don't really want to get into. You reply with some general answer such as: "Oh... did you call?" Then immediately ask them a question on some other topic, such as: "Say that reminds me, did you happen to see that (movie / TV program / presidential address / etc.) the other night? What did you think..."

When someone else asks you a question, they take control of the conversation. But by doing what I've described above, you deflect their question & take back control of the conversation. This takes a bit of practice. But where better to practice it than when you see your family, since you're probably going to have to see them anyway. And, really, you'd like to if you could just avoid the interrogations.

[dandylin]

I have learned to psych myself up before these things. I think of questions that I can ask the people I have to deal with that keeps the conversation away from me and makes the people involved feel like I am engaged. Sometimes it actually works and I become involved in a full fledged conversation
I don't like the idea of tricking myself into engagement, but I know it's necessary to keep people at bay

[Shriveled Muse]

For me, for sure I know it's one of the worst methods around but it completely deflects all suspicion and no one asks "those" questions so I use it as a last resort. I basically act my way through it, acting as a happy person and consequently bottling up my emotions for that evening. I try to say things that most people have said already so that I remain in the shadows. Just merely acting happy will ensure that your expression and atmosphere that you give off aren't "out of the ordinary". For sure bottling up your emotions is no good, which is why I only use it in a pinch.

Good luck!

[tigerlily84]

Thank you once again for your thoughtful replies! I appreciate your feedback so much and it helps to know that I'm not an ungrateful jerk.

Skeezyks, I'm not much of a sales person but I'll definitely have to "sell it" in terms of projecting a happy go lucky attitude. I'm good at deflecting and changing the subject, so that's something at least. I've noticed that people like to talk about themselves. I've already used up the "Oh did you call?" and the "I'm not sure what's going on with my cell service" excuses in the past year lol. I think I met the quota on the number of times those excuses can be considered acceptable. I also use the "I have a migraine" and "I'm sick" excuses quite often. I do suffer from migraines and I tend to get sick often, but I think they know something is up. I'll do my best to utilize the "getting involved in other things and forgetting" scenario you've described, because that's closer to the truth. Thank you for your suggestions!

dandylin: I have a tendency to psych myself up for these things as well. I used to rely on alcohol to do it, but I usually wind up making a fool of myself. Kind of the opposite of laying low, lol. I'll need to come up with "talking points" or something. I feel like an idiot for having to do that, but you have to do what you have to do, right?

Shriveled Muse, I know exactly what you mean. Sometimes you really do have to fake it till you make it. Sometimes it works, but sometimes it doesn't. I've been bottling my emotions for years so it's unfortunately second nature to me. I've been doing it for so long that I've become numb, which is probably worse. I don't know how to connect anymore. Like you, I simply want to fit in and not attract any attention to myself by bursting into tears or something equally humiliating.

The questions that I hate are: "so what's new with you?" or "are you dating anyone?" and my favorite, "when are you gonna get married, you're already an old maid!" Yup. There's absolutely nothing "new" with me, or at least nothing worth talking about, and I haven't dated anyone in years. I'm a boring person, as my stepmother loves to tell me. I know I'm not the only woman be asked the marriage question in particular, but seriously to my family being 30 and unmarried is apparently a fate worse than death. I have an aunt that's starting to send me annoying texts about "this great guy" she wants me to meet. How can I date anyone if I can't even hold a conversation without being fake? When I tell her that I'm not interested, she tells everyone else (and I mean everyone) to try to guilt trip me. Not gonna budge on that one though. If I want to die alone (my stepmom's words) that's my business. So what if I do? lol sorry for going on a rant there!

The interesting thing is that when I'm not depressed and anxious, I'm a pretty easy going person and I enjoy making people laugh. So I guess I'll just go for making them laugh and hope to god that they don't ask me any personal questions that I haven't prepared myself for. You would think I was going into battle or something...

[badcloud]

"I've noticed that people like to talk about themselves."

That's the ticket.

Have short answers... what's new "oh, same same. what are the kids up to? what has mary decided to study? blah blah blah"

when are you getting married "oh, next week. did you guys go to the beach/lake/mountains this summer?"

[TheLastChapter]

I have found that deep breathing really helps me going into a simular situations. I focus more on my breathing than my anxiety and on my worries about questions. And if you dont feel comfortable with a question, maybe just very politely say that you do not feel like discussing your health with anyone at the moment. I have noticed that if I say something like that my family usually leaves it at that. I make it clear that there is no way that I will be discussing anything of that nature with them. Also just beat around the bush and come up with something else to talk about.

[tigerlily84]

I am trying to emerge from my time of isolating myself, meaning family get togethers and having coffee with friends. A few years ago, my dad showed up at my apartment unannounced (which I hate) because I couldn't talk to anyone over the phone for some reason. I was in the middle of a very severe depressive episode that led to a sui attempt. No one knew this. I get that he showed up out of concern for me, which is why I feel guilty for being angry. But I felt like I HAD to tell him about my depression (not the attempt) and I resent him for that. I don't like to be rushed, and I am very careful in who I reveal my MI to. He doesn't get it and is of the mind that one needs to pull themselves up by their bootstraps.

It's been a few years since then, and the depression has been present off and on since then. Well, I am now in another depressive episode where I am having difficulty talking to anyone. And he told my aunts and my stepmother about my depression. I feel hurt and betrayed by this. It wasn't his business to tell anyone, and now i have 4 people after me, telling me that I need to go have fun. (as if that will solve anything) Telling them to back off makes it worse. I don't get it... I'm not addicted to drugs or alcohol, I'm not in an abusive relationship. I don't need an intervention. I want them to go away. I feel consumed by anger, and what's worse is that I know that they only want to help me, so I feel guilty for feeling that way. And the thing is, I AM trying.

When I was younger I was never allowed to express any emotions. There were no boundaries either, so I am still learning how to say "no." I feel like all of that anger and resentment is bubbling up and I am going to explode any minute. And having all of them keep saying "be happy!!" like some insane cheerleader is making me even angrier. How do you say f*** off without being mean? haha I'm sorry but seriously that's how I feel right now.

Thank you for letting me vent.