Another overcast, chilly day. Was actually feeling okay because I thought I would get to see my little cousin this afternoon and was looking forward to it. But then my aunt texted my mom and said she wouldn't make it today because her van won't start and the breaks in her truck are sticking. So I guess that's out. Now all I have to look forward this evening are my parents drinking. Here's to another week of absolutely nothing good happening to me.

It's the day after an ECT and, once again, I'm feeling a little bit better somehow. I just wish it would last. Last time it only lasted one day.

My husband is out of town until tomorrow mid-afternoon. I don't like being alone when I feel like this. At least I had lunch with a friend and went grocery shopping. Now it's on the couch/t.v. until I go to bed probably. Please, Lord, let ECT be my solution.

[TheOriginalMe]

I can't see any way out of this, apart from the final way, the way out that I always reject. It is so horrible thinking that I should end my life, it is like carrying a huge malignancy with me everywhere I go.

[phénix_zzz]

^ Your life is worth fighting for, it seriously is. Even with that huge malignancy feeling. I don't know what to say as my life is pretty bleak right now - but wanted you to know that you're not alone.

Today is heavy, hard, ridiculously difficult and full of ridiculous thoughts running in my head. I'm grounding myself on my couch with netflix and the cat. Because I don't feel like I can do anything constructive when my head is this friggin' destructive. Today is not a good day. Please, please, please let tomorrow be a better one.

[Clara22]

At the hospital

To Clara, I hope that you will get well soon.

For me today was another depression day for me. Maybe it's because of the high heat that will not seem to end. Still worried about my skin. And today I got rear ended by another car. It was the driver's fault. He was not paying attention and rammed into me. And because of the impact, I ended up hitting the SUV in front of me. We were stopped at an intersection with a red light. My car is in the garage now because of a broken radiator. So at the end of the day, I have no car.

[hope2010]

I m back at the hospital, yesterday my husband was hospitalized again with pneumonia, had surgery, today he is in pain, restless. Good thing he is in excellent care, will be a long week with pain and hopefully he will finally recovery in a months. I am very tired, the post chemo and radiation treatment still made me feel exhausted, chronic fatigue. My anxiety level is really high, am not well most of the time, am not depress I think am not, but chronic anxiety slowy putting down. I am coming back to our room to rest. All I want is to sleep for 12 hours ...

[lilypup]

Feel good today...went to church and came home and got dinner in the crock pot. Will watch football later. A little lonely for my husband who will not be home till 8 tonight.

Mom is drinking today...greeaaat.

Disappointed. After my 4th ECT on Friday morning, my mood was slightly elevated Saturday and the first half of today. Now I'm back to feeling very depressed and snarly again. I wonder if it's normal to feel temporarily better early on in ECT treatment . . .

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Mom is drinking today...greeaaat.

Scratch that, Mom and Dad...
Sunday used to be my break. What happened?

[TheOriginalMe]

I don't feel safe. No matter how bad the urges were before I thought I could cope, I felt safe. That changed at 2.12pm yesterday. There was a decision and although by 5.30pm I had delayed the decision, I know I can't hold out forever. I'm seeing my doctor today, I hope he can get me the right care. The thoughts are more or less constant, I can't sleep, this is bad.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I don't feel safe. No matter how bad the urges were before I thought I could cope, I felt safe. That changed at 2.12pm yesterday. There was a decision and although by 5.30pm I had delayed the decision, I know I can't hold out forever. I'm seeing my doctor today, I hope he can get me the right care. The thoughts are more or less constant, I can't sleep, this is bad.

Original, if you don't think you can hold out until then, please go to the A&E.

[Bark]

Had a nightmare about feeling so bad I was wondering whether to go to the ER. I saw someone who passed away who was dear to me because apparently he had received my text asking whether I should. I'm tired of these kinds of dreams. I want to rest when I'm asleep. I'm worried enough about my exam tomorrow that I managed to wake up. Hopefully I stay up.

In reality I'm doing fine. Really. Going back on a medication helped. And I'm back in dorms, where I won't be triggered as much by my family, whom I love, but for different reasons can really mess with my mood.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by Bark

New thread!

As usual, I'm tired. And it doesn't get any better on the weekends. I want to feel rested for once....

I can relate. I slept for almost twelve hours last night; went to bed at seven and got up at six for work. My doctor is treating me like a narcoleptic and put me on Ritalin. At least I don't sleep at my desk anymore. Hope you feel better soon.

Another overcast, rainy day, what is up with this? It seems like even nature wants me to be depressed - as if the whole fall season doesn't depress me enough. I wish we could at least get a little sunlight now and then, but nooo. Not only does it have to feel bleak, it has to look bleak also. Four straight days of cloudiness and rain. I feel like this pattern will never end, although I know it'll have to...eventually...

[regretful]

I'm stuck in a world of regret, shame and misery, and it is continuing my depression at an alarming rate. Medication is only effective in that I am not crying. It's only been 4 weeks on it. Back to the doc on Wed, and maybe an increase in dosage. But this is terrible.

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by TheOriginalMe

I don't feel safe. No matter how bad the urges were before I thought I could cope, I felt safe. That changed at 2.12pm yesterday. There was a decision and although by 5.30pm I had delayed the decision, I know I can't hold out forever. I'm seeing my doctor today, I hope he can get me the right care. The thoughts are more or less constant, I can't sleep, this is bad.

[Nammu]

Had a nightmare.
Driving in the country on a new road with my mother. It was somewhere in the north. Stopped at various places. Once going though a small town there were people in the lanes without cars standing at a light waiting to make a left turn to buy tickets...we went straight. Another place a cross between a small airport and a park with inside furniture outside. We were sitting where we couldn't see the river, so mom, she's 86, grabbed two upholstered chairs and dragged them closer. She fell and I was worried for her health, I don't want her to die, but, if I killed myself before she died it would kill her. So I'm just marking time, waiting.

I don't fit in with my generation at all. I should've been a teen in the early 90's.
I feel so isolated and alienated and lonely...

[JustTvTroping]

Happier and more complete then I've ever been so far. I'm learning a lot for both self discovery and to learn about the world around through the various educational fields of study (free textbooks are the best textbooks). As I continue to learn, my personal world and this world are slowly but surely integrating, making me feel even more complete and not so...out of place.

Just finished ECT treatment #5. My depression is the worst it's been in a long time today. Just feel God-awful. I hate this disease. It is unforgiving.

[tigerlily84]

I didn't sleep well. Yesterday the electric company conducted a scheduled power outage for something or other, but it was just annoying, because the power went out at about 10pm and lasted until 6am today. It was horribly hot and humid, and I couldn't sleep. I was terribly anxious today at work. I felt like running out of the building screaming. Sui ideation was high. Too many people, wanting one thing or another. And I had to ask my boss if I could do a bit less until I get into the swing of things. I'm not sure when that will be, but she agreed. I also gave one of my shifts away to a coworker. I felt better after that, at least.

[tigersassy]

Hope this depression is just hormonal. First full day off flow. This sucks. Having SI thoughts. Head hurts so bad. Want to crash and never get up again. What the f×÷! Is wrong with my brain? It's attacking me from the inside trying to make this life unbearable. Is starting to work. I've been crying most of the evening and was sobbing for a bit of it. Need to try to sleep. Eugh...

Sometimes you see something on TV that perfectly sums up your sadness, without any words, and suddenly you have to hurry out of the room so your mom won't see that it's made you start to cry because it's something that has nothing do with you, and she would think it's ridiculous for you to cry...yet what you've seen and heard has hit you so hard that you've spiraled into a crying episode, and the sadness is almost too big to swallow.