[regretful]

Today, still depressed, but there's a brief ray of hope that has shone through. I hope that it lasts.

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

[tigersassy]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

I care. I know what it's like. Hugs

Originally Posted by tigersassy

I care. I know what it's like. Hugs

Thank you so much...this really means a lot to me.
I just have so much unprocessed grief and sadness...it hits me so hard sometimes.
I can look at anything and be saddened by it.

[regretful]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

Another one here who reads these posts and cares...I harbor hope that all of us will feel some relief from this depression at some point.

Originally Posted by regretful

Another one here who reads these posts and cares...I harbor hope that all of us will feel some relief from this depression at some point.

Thank you so much...
That's all that's keeping me here at this point...the hope that someday I won't feel so bad.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by Bark

New thread!

As usual, I'm tired. And it doesn't get any better on the weekends. I want to feel rested for once....

I sleep enough but the only thing that helped my grinding fatigue was the Ritalin that was added to my new antidepressant.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

More clouds and rain again today....ah, hell, why am I even posting this?? No one gives a ****.

I don't like the clouds and rain but I really hate snow and dread winter weather. It's harder to keep positive when the weather is bad.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by Brintel

I sleep enough but the only thing that helped my grinding fatigue was the Ritalin that was added to my new antidepressant.

I've told my psychiatrist about it countless times. Today I spoke to a nurse to see if she could speak to him about it. I highly doubt he'll prescribe me a stimulant, but I'm hoping he has a better suggestion than drinking caffeine.

I ought to sleep now. Get around nine hours. Should be okay. (Then again I slept 6.5 hours last night, so maybe not.) The annoying thing is that often I feel like I have a bit more energy at bedtime. So I might be exhausted at 7 PM, but wanting to stay up a bit longer at 11 PM (like today). I am tired now, but I have some energy... and a bit of laziness. Must brush teeth....

I'm feeling worse after my 5th ECT than I did before it! Not sure what's going on, but I'm definitely worse, if that's even possible.

[tigerlily84]

Today was a bit better. Since I have less to do at work, and I'm not on the special resource line for people to ask me questions I can concentrate on simply doing my job. It's been pretty slow so I'm glad for that. I also gave one of my shifts away so I'll have tomorrow off. I don't really care about making less money at this point, it's really just about what I can handle.

[mulan]

I'm worried about a friend who is ill. I am just hopping he gets better and recovers totaly. It's a very serious illness and he is young as I. He deserves to get better.

[hope2010]

Originally Posted by ShyPoetGirl

Thank you so much...
That's all that's keeping me here at this point...the hope that someday I won't feel so bad.

I feel the same, and I do care, maybe sometime we are all so tired and sick that seems like no body cares, but not here, not in this thread, was a long hard day, a lot of financial issues, a lot of high anxiety. I am taking charge of what is happening, am fighting.

There have to be a way to feel better, to get well, there is always hope.

I don't feel like I'm depressed anymore. After a year and 2 months of depression, I feel like I started to go into hypomania yesterday. I feel like I have ants in my pants, can't sit still like I used to. I'm calling my pdoc - - whom I just saw yesterday - - to request a mood stabilizer. I guess I'd rather have this over depression, but this is uncomfortable. I don't like it. I don't work and I don't have enough to keep me busy.

[aprillynn197]

Miserable with so much sadness in my heart.

[SnailLover]

Not a good day. Tired of being unemployed and blatantly discriminated against.

[Brintel]

Originally Posted by regretful

It's a new thread, so I thought I'd check in again. I just had this thought that it has been a long time since I've laughed about anything. Depression is the worst illness. It's robbed me of everything that I used to enjoy.

I have the same thought--long time since I've laughed about anything. Not many real smiles, either. I can't read much anymore either, like a novel--can't concentrate well-- and I used to love that more than anything else.
Another thing now that makes me sad is that when I dream at night, in my dreams I'm normal again, not depressed, and I feel so wistful about it when I wake up. Depression is the worst illness, for sure. I wish recovery for us all.

[regretful]

Ebbing and flowing...I'm a bit lighter in my mood at times, but when I walk into this office a pall is cast over me. I'm hoping for a return to a career that I used to have, and if that were to come to fruition, this depression would instantly remit.

[Bark]

Thunderstorm... when you're suffering through a drought, rain is amazing. I love storms when they don't last more than a few days. At least a few days of a break in between.

Broke down in therapy; not crying, and not to any trigger I can think of. But I started shutting down physically, keeping my head down with my eyes closed and stuttering, and just becoming really slow. It's happened before, and every time it happens I tell myself I'm acting. My therapist actually said she'd call me later to check on me, and she did. That was real nice of her.

Feeling better now. She told me to watch a movie, and I might, or at least surf the web and take it easy. I have to study, but I think I should take it easy. Maybe all that studying for the exam affected me?

The nurse got back to me: we're going to try increasing the dose of the med that makes me sleep. Yay. Although I have read that at higher doses it works less as a sleep aid; then again, it's still a low dose. Still every other day. We'll see what happens. I start tonight. I'd better be able to wake up for class tomorrow....

[TheLastChapter]

Gosh today has sucked. It started out well, I got to talk to my long distance boyfriend. It was so nice to hear from him. But then I went to class. I found out that at the rate im going, if it was a year class I would be able to pass it. But since I have dug such a deep hole, there will be no coming back to pass it this semester. I do not know why the decision to drop it is so hard for me. I guess I have never been in a situation where I have comepletely failed (which is not only a huge stressor that I have avoided for years, it is a major fear of mine). It is amazing to me how quickly my mood can change with such a small stressor. It just kind of ruined my day. Ready for bed.

Finally, after almost a straight week of nothing but clouds & rain, the sun is back out & shining. I've looked @ the forecast & tomorrow & Friday will be all rain again, so I'm trying trying trying to enjoy this little slice of nice weather while it lasts. But I'm feeling so down, I can't seem to lift my spirits at all. It's been like this for so long now I'm beginning to think I'll never feel okay again. Last night my parents drank & fought, all the usual bull****. I felt so bad... They actually didn't drink on Monday, but I knew they would drink yesterday, 'cause never am I lucky twice in a row. I'm not expecting to be lucky tonight, either. Hopes aren't high.

[Bark]

Originally Posted by TheLastChapter

Gosh today has sucked. It started out well, I got to talk to my long distance boyfriend. It was so nice to hear from him. But then I went to class. I found out that at the rate im going, if it was a year class I would be able to pass it. But since I have dug such a deep hole, there will be no coming back to pass it this semester. I do not know why the decision to drop it is so hard for me. I guess I have never been in a situation where I have comepletely failed (which is not only a huge stressor that I have avoided for years, it is a major fear of mine). It is amazing to me how quickly my mood can change with such a small stressor. It just kind of ruined my day. Ready for bed.

I used to be an A and B+ student. Starting highschool I slipped, even failed during trimesters, but never the class.

When I went to college, the first semester I failed three courses I think. I had to see a counsellor (other than the one I was seeing, who frankly was not much help). Asked how I was, said I was fine, and he said to withdraw from a course if I was going to fail. I took three courses I think. Failed two. So I basically flunked out of college.

Now I'm at a different institution, and after doing quite well I again got in a rut and failed two courses.

I guess what I'm saying is, it hit me hard before. It was tough. I felt like an absolute failure. I wouldn't call it a small stressor; that's almost like saying it's insignificant. Which it isn't. I still struggle. But now I understand that, with my problems, sometimes I will slip and fall, but better on a mattress than on the floor. I've started thinking about withdrawing from one of my courses... I'm worried about it. I'm only taking three courses! But I tell myself: take it easy on yourself. If you can't handle it, admit it. Because that's much easier than suffering through. You haven't completely failed: you've just realized that you can't finish the course. And that's okay. There's always next semester. And so what if you take more time to graduate than other people because you're taking fewer courses? That's fine, too. I will admit, though, I still very much struggle with it. It's hard to be kind to yourself, I find.

Typing is so much more comfortable on a computer... maybe I spoke too much or didn't make sense. Sorry.

[waterknob1234]

Hopeful today. No I did not get my dream job. My life situation has not changed. Tomorrow everything might unravel. But for the last two days life has been pretty decent for a change. Everything is calm. I hope it lasts.

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by Bark

If you can't handle it, admit it. Because that's much easier than suffering through. You haven't completely failed: you've just realized that you can't finish the course. And that's okay.

If you don't mind, I'm going to take this advice also and apply it to my job and the little everyday stresses (such as dealing with family/friends/people in general) that drive me crazy. I learned this the hard way, and I kept trying to prove to myself that I could do it, that I could manage. And now I'm picking up the pieces because I realized that I can't. It sucks. And it's humbling, and almost freeing in a way, now that I've realized this. I don't want to pretend to be okay anymore, because I'm not. I'm not that great of an actress anyway.

[UnderRugSwept]

I think I am the only person (or, one of very few) who is depressed and is never, ever up? It doesn't vary. It's all the same. I never knew until I saw this thread that others felt differently than I do. I mean, I am GLAD that other people don't always feel as down as I do...I just thought depressed meant always depressed. Maybe it's b/c I have MDD? Idk.