[aprillynn197]

Tryin to stay focused on positive emotions

[mulan]

I am starting to feel tired as I used to feel. I hate it, I don't want to step Jack.
I think it's because of my usual trigger, the one I can link to every phase of my life I got worse...social trigger...trying to comunicate when I am very shy and insecure (and maybe avoident) and the much longer I talk the most anxious I get. At first I am OK, but the little insecurities all together make me feel bad at the end.
For many reasons my social life makes me feel sad, anxious, unwanted, uncaple of anything. In the end I AM sure I am not supose to have a rewarding social life and that my personality, my abilities, my illness will never let me thrive in social life, what brings me down.

And I wonder once again, how mentaly hill people can date?
I can't, I never could, and I don't have the capacities needed for that. There are somedays I am almost not capable of having a conversation. I was a dreamer, a romantic dreamer and this thought hurts me as well.
Even I know I would get bored with the obligation of having to date someone, even I know I would have sometimes to pretend I liked him whenever my fealings would vanish (which they do). And I am certain I would at some point forget about his existence, wich is terrible...

I suffer with the instability of not having someone realy close at school, so I have to be constantly making myself to people I am not confortsble with. It's terrifying, I feel so insecure.

[Nammu]

I think my back is finally getting stronger. Went to the Post office 3 days ago and there was a long, long line, one person working and I was able to stand until I got to the counter. It took a day to recover but hey, I was able to do it! I left the house today too, twice in one week with no appointments I had to keep, just me getting out. This is a great improvement for me.

[tigerlily84]

I met up with my best friend and her older brother yesterday to go eat and then we saw Gone Girl. It's been a while since I've been to the movies; this one was very good. I was happy to see them both. They both have their masters degrees and teach at the university level, so it can be difficult to talk to them sometimes. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it, it seems. I feel pathetic next to my friend. I'm jealous, I'll admit it. I want to have my life together like they do.

Today there's supposed to be a family get together at my dad's house and I feel horrible. I almost feel like that's too much social interaction. I mean I held it together yesterday with my friend. But I'm always judged by various family members, and I can't take it. I'm always on edge around them and I feel like I'm barely keeping it together as it is. I wish I could afford to go to therapy again, I have a lot on my mind.

[TheOriginalMe]

I'm worrying, worry, worry, worry, but I am not in that horrible state of anxiety where I want to do anything stupid. The tinnitus went overnight, thankfully.

[Shriveled Muse]

I can't tell if I'm being lazy or being depressed again... A few days ago it was very clear that I was depressed but not the lines are blurred and I can't tell anymore...

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

After posting a lot on the forums I seem to have gotten a lift from depression this afternoon. I forced myself but was able to cook up a really wonderful dinner of turkey meatballs and spaghetti with homemade tomato sauce! It was delicious.

Sometimes I amaze myself with how well my efforts turn out in the kitchen. I am a food network junkie!

[ForeverLonelyGirl]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

I met up with my best friend and her older brother yesterday to go eat and then we saw Gone Girl. It's been a while since I've been to the movies; this one was very good. I was happy to see them both. They both have their masters degrees and teach at the university level, so it can be difficult to talk to them sometimes. I know I shouldn't compare, but I can't help it, it seems. I feel pathetic next to my friend. I'm jealous, I'll admit it. I want to have my life together like they do.

Today there's supposed to be a family get together at my dad's house and I feel horrible. I almost feel like that's too much social interaction. I mean I held it together yesterday with my friend. But I'm always judged by various family members, and I can't take it. I'm always on edge around them and I feel like I'm barely keeping it together as it is. I wish I could afford to go to therapy again, I have a lot on my mind.

Tigerlily, We do get in trouble when we compare ourselves to others. I should be proud and hold my head up high, after all I have been through, I still have my RN license and managed to work 20 years with many mental health obstacles. You know that everyone's life is not as charmed as it appears to be on the outside.

[Rose76]

I'm not doing too good past few days. I feel pretty confident it will pass.

[Bark]

I love this! Woohoo! Finally!

I felt it coming on last night but I had an assignment and I couldn't really focus and write and I slipped back down and then I had to take my night med.

This morning was blah.

But now woohoo!

I was wondering whether the increased dose would do this. Haven't felt like this in a while.

But, funnily enough, the fatigue is still there. I'm still tired! I just want to stay awake and do stuff. Why did my roommate have to sleep early....

[TheOriginalMe]

Was on the point of going to A&E today, very scared when I realised that my thoughts were simply about the finality of death and not about the loved ones I would leave behind. I got some diazepam from my GP today, hopefully that will calm the anxiety enough for me to manage the sui thoughts.

I finally got a pdoc appt, can't quite believe it, 12 days to wait.

I just hate life

Need to correct myself, that was so negative and I'm just exhausted.

Ups are I have a very good friend here and I do know that things can change. I also appreciate being heard and having a place to come to that is safe to share my feelings and thoughts.

I know I've been told in therapy, that feelings and thoughts are just that, they aren't facts. I just don't get why that should help knowing that, I can't just change how I'm feeling because I know it isn't a fact. And most of my painful feelings are because of facts in the past. But all we have is right now. So breathe in and out....keep going. Hugs all.

[waterknob1234]

I was away for a bit. I was so busy and did not have much access to my computer. I went to visit my son this past weekend. It always lifts my spirits to visit my son who lives 5 hours away. I am very tired from an extremely busy day at work. For some unknown reason the depression is not as bad right now. For that I am thankful. The doctor changed my migraine headache medicine from Topamax to amitriptyline. The amitriptyline helps the migraines much better than the Topamax did.

[tigerlily84]

Skipped work today. I was so anxious last night that I hardly slept. I kept waking up every half hour it seemed. At 4am I gave up and put the coffee on. Even though I left early, the combination of fog and traffic made it impossible to even try to get there without getting into an accident, which put me even more on edge. So I turned around and went home. Oh well. I completed the online assessment the recruiter wanted me to do (and I passed, yay) so she said she'll be in touch with me. I'm hoping I will get this job. I need a change.

[Rose76]

I've slipped down and need to get up.

[aprillynn197]

Today is no different than yesterday. Same misery. Doing nothing. Wondering whats the point for anything. I am so unhappy with myself.

[regretful]

Nothing much has changed...I got myself into this mess...Wake up depressed and nauseous; sad and angry. Regretting the terrible decisions that I've made in my life. This is no way to live.

[maddnessreturns]

I'm so exhausted and can't seem to function today. I can hardly even focus enough to drive. I can't go to my eating disorder outpatient appts today because they are an hour away and I'm just so out of it.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[aprillynn197]

@regretful I am feeling the same way. It isnt any way to live.

[Bark]

Tired. I managed to get up in the morning. And was feeling okay. By evening, meh. I had a nap. I want to go back to sleep. Feeling a bit irritable. And don't feel like working on assignments to submit.

It's either tiredness or depression. Or both. And today it feels like both.

[Rose76]

I'm stuck in the mud . . . . . tired of feeling like every move I make is a struggle.

Tired of all the bull**** drama. Parents got into it major last night, of course they were both drunk. Mom ended up leaving in tears and going to my Aunt's house for the night. She still hasn't come back. I got a call from her earlier, she sounded really drunk and like she might start crying. I asked her if she had been drinking. She said no, but I could tell. I asked her if she was coming back. She said she didn't know. I begged her to please come home. She said she'd get a ride back from my Aunt after she gets off work. We'll see. In the meantime, my dad's gonna be home from work in less than an hour. Guess who gets to explain to him why Mom still isn't home? So now I have to scramble for the right words to say. I'll have to tell him about the phone call and all that. However, since he'll be sober, I am also going to make it very clear to him that I cannot handle living in this drama anymore. It's been just me and my cat here for most of the day, and it's the best time I've had all month, being alone in the quiet. Of course, if Mom does come back home, her being drunk will mean the first thing she'll do upon walking through the door will be to start yelling at my dad. I better get ready to wade through some serious ****.

[TheOriginalMe]

The diazepam certainly helped the anxiety, so much so that when I made a mistake at work I laughed it off - "oh silly me, what am I like?" It was an empty laugh for me, but my colleagues enjoyed the diversion, no-one was mean, mostly they were sympathetic.

Now the diazepam has worn off and I'm irritable and tired. The anxiety and sui thoughts are not troubling me so much and I think I will wait a bit longer before taking another dose.

A much more positive day, overall.

[tigerlily84]

Today was a mixed bag. I went to work today and had to go through this training that took about 4 hours. I had a hard time with it because for some reason it took me forever to focus. I saw my pdoc after work and I'm getting a med increase. I'll see how I do on it, I guess. And now there's issues with my bank card.... great. I'm hoping tomorrow will be better.