[regretful]

I suppose that the best way to describe today would be "blah"...I'm not sick, I'm not smiling, I'm not crying...I'm mildly angry, low-level sad, and terribly bored. This, I fear, is the best effect that an anti-depressant can have for me...It makes me feel "nothing" ... On the positive side of things, I think my job interview went well.

of course they drank again last night and fought - again.
don't know what's gonna happen today....

[Rose76]

I'm okay at the moment. That's kind of the most I hope for right now.

[TheLastChapter]

Confronted my best friend today. I still do not know if she is really telling me the truth or not. But as of right now she says that she is sorry that she has been so crappy. We picked up right where we left off but I still feel like something is wrong. I think she is moving too quickly in her new relationship. But today I just feel tired and sick. I am trying not to worry or think about how I truely feel.

[aprillynn197]

Nothing is changing for the better. It just keeps gettin worse.

[tokiwartooth]

I've got a thing on my chest that I can't tell whether it's ringworm or Lyme disease. It looks like a bullseye but the red outer edge is raised, which makes me think ringworm, but it doesn't itch, it isn't sore, and there's this little red dot in the center, which makes me think Lyme disease. It's not blistered, it's not scaly, it's not dry or wet, it just feels like skin. But I'm going to the doctor on Friday to have them check it out. I swear, if it's Lyme disease I don't know what I'll do. If it's ringworm, how in the heck did I get it? My cat is indoors, so I wonder if fleas could bring it. If not, it's either from the water I sample at the plant here, or something I've touched unknowingly. Either way, it sucks.

[tigerlily84]

Regretful, I feel the same way... I feel nothing. It's weird, but I guess it means that the medicine is working. I used to feel this overwhelming anxiety about work, about how my family and friends see me, what to say or not say, etc. Just this constant fear of being fired, failing at anything, or being humiliated. I just feel this overwhelming apathy now. I used to care too much and now I don't care at all. A healthy sense of fear isn't a bad thing, but now I don't have that anymore. I think the fear kept me in line, sort of, but it also kept me frozen in a place I didn't want to be in. So this lack of fear feels strange, because that has always been the driving force for everything.

Usually when I experience apathy, it's a warning that I'm about to spiral into depression. I don't think it's exactly that, because this feels different. How is it different, I have no idea, but it is somehow. So I'm a little apprehensive about this. I guess I'm still reevaluating, because I'm still using the model of my goals at age 20 and I feel like I'm a different person now. I'm slowly taking steps.. and even if they're baby steps, I think the important thing is that I'm taking them. Good or bad, it's better than staying where I've been.

Also, regretful: I'm glad that the interview went well! I'm keeping my fingers crossed for you!

[flewby]

not getting enough sleep feeling numb and just trapped in a void.

[seeminglyreal]

God, I feel so alone. I crave touch and contact but I guess I'm just not meant to have any of that.

[angelene]

I'd like to go back to bed.

[aprillynn197]

Id like to be normal for one minute.

[TheOriginalMe]

Not good. Thinking about si again. When I have any emotion at all, it is anger and I seem to want to turn that on myself.

I must make the list of all the things my boss hasn't done that he is supposed to do to help me. The most important is the risk assessment, I keep telling him what triggers me, but he never listens.

[Frost287]

Another good thing successfully ruined. Back to square one, don't think I'm ready for another game.

So my dad has feelings after all, according to my mom he was crying earlier. I'm feeling sad and lonely, listening to a certain song again and again. I ate dinner late this evening, suddenly felt so low, nearly cried in bowl of chilli. Held it back, though. Always holding it back.

[hope2010]

I am sick, joints pain all over my body, my primary doctor and my Oncologist set an appointment for next Monday with a Rheumatologist.
Mean time I am just suffering, my depression worse too, am in a really bad place most of the time, few hours a day am a little better, I can't even write here or use my computer because is another trigger for more joints pain.

[Nammu]

There seems to be a really strong connection between sleep and bad days for me. I didn't sleep much last night and today I'm very irritable and can't think of any words for the games...just drawing blanks. I find myself just staring at nothing and of course the amount of pain I'm in goes up. Im starting to get very selfish about getting enough sleep. All these years I've been so proud of how little sleep I thought I needed. I would go days will only a couple hours sleep and think it was some kind of achievement. Now I'm realizing that the lack of sleep most likely has contributed greatly to my mental health, or lack of mental health.

[Shriveled Muse]

After how many months, or has it passed a year already, of a constant and terrible low, I finally feel okay. That's more that I could ask for. However. This state has been achieved by suppressing my feelings. I don't expect it to last long, but it's like a breath of fresh air after breathing polluted air for all this time. Also, feeling like this with this method will probably bring me a terrible crash later. Don't know if my current state is good or not.

[tigersassy]

Everything that can go wrong has gone wrong inn the past month or so. Now this morning my car won't start. How in the hell do I get to work? I have no one who can take me. And I can't get it fixed until tomorrow when I get paid. And even then I have to wait until the past store opens. My depression is killing me slowly. I just don't care anymore and wish I could fade out. Fml.

[waterknob1234]

Feeling good for the moment, but of course I am on vacation. I was so busy working 10 to 12 hour days recently that when I got home I was too tired to get on my computer. Having mild migraines. Best wishes and love to everybody.

[healingme4me]

I hardly check in here, but really should.
I'm reflecting far back, today. Cousin rivalry, I think it is. Perhaps sisterly rivalry, on my grandmother's end? Cousin in my case 18months older, but second generation. Before my sh time period, there were a couple times of feeling put in my place, so to speak, by cousin. There was taking me to a hs bball game, forced to not join her, and sit in the cafe area, where I made friends with strangers, and they found it incredulous. Then a road trip vacation, with my grandparents, to PA, entire ride I was reminded how young and immature I was. Then in hs, visited her in college, didn't bring me to a single party.
It was in college she'd received her dx. I learned all about genetics and that aspect. Then after my mom's passing, stayed at family camp, tired frustrated trying to get my boys to stop bouncing around the tent, aunt saying she 'wasn't impressed' ...
Dunno....stepmother offered any Sunday come for a visit and there's a new pool structure and we'd go for chinese buffet....

[seeminglyreal]

Littlest things triggering the most awful feelings today. I am so useless. I seem to be incapable of doing anything right.

I'm very tired and can't sleep much and dealing with pain. I also was a smoker since 14 yrs old, always quit in between for years at a time but go back when things stress me out. I haven't had one since yesterday first thing.... I'm getting very irritable and very tired, I'd love a coffee and smoke right now.
I don't want to waste money on it anymore, because it does add up and it takes away from money I should save for my son, since his dad is nothing but a deadbeat jerk (too nice of a word)...
I want to move and do things and I can't now. Somehow it puts things in perspective whicch has distracted me from all the other reasons to be depressed, but now |I'm getting antsy to do something. More like, wondering what life will be like with limited mobility.

This is a stupid time to quit smoking because my sister is coming and we don't get along. My sister in law is on the other hand is a beautiful non judgmental person, but she notices I always had my psychiatric breakdowns whenever my sister came to visit. She interfered in my life ever since before my first son was born. She makes it look like she has no mental problems, buloney, I almost feel sorry for her putting up a big show for the rest of the world at times, when underneath she can't be much happier, I can just tell.
She just makes me nervous, anxious, as soon as she gets a bossy tone although we've never fought physically (other than one memory), she has a very strong "I know everything and look down upon you" attitude. I usually just agree with her or keep quiet. Thank goodness she isn't staying long.

[tigerlily84]

Why is it that I want to cry when something good happens to me? Ugh.

I have been feeling hopeless. I've gotten to the point again where I am completely numb. No joy, no anger, no sadness, I feel nothing. Sometime I do not know how I am still functioning. I am in transition for counseling. I finally got in to see my new T only to discover that I can only get in to see her monthly. That is not quite frequent enough, so although I like her I need to start looking again but am having trouble finding the will to start. Couples counseling has also been rough as my wife has said that she cannot be with someone who cannot feel and express their emotions or someone that does not know who they are. I understand that completely, however that is mainly how I experience my depression so I'm not sure where that leaves us. I'm just...

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[breakmystride]

Feeling kind of panicky tonight. I want to go crying to someone and let it all out, but I don't have anyone to go to, and I'm not even sure I can put my feelings into words.