Fed up - what is going on??

Hello all,

I'm a new member here. I essentially joined out of sheer exasperation with what is going on in my head and my heart. I'm around 30 years old and going through massive depression and anxiety at the moment, or at least, the worst episode I have dealt with in my life.

Basically I walk around feeling like I have a great big hole inside of me. Massive. I feel like I've finally gotten to the stage where I can't cover it up anymore. Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs, relationships, porn... All of these things I've used to try and make myself feel better. I'm in a relationship now and all I want to do is run. I've given up alcohol and all the rest, and basically feel worse than ever.

I hate myself. This is really killer. Every time I meet someone, see a post of theirs on FB, talk with someone, look at someone... My mind runs through all the ways that they are better than me, that I am a pathetic loser who has wasted his time here on planet Earth. Even the smallest reminder that other people have lives shows me the myriad ways in which mine is deficient. I can't concentrate on anything, because everything makes me feel pathetic.

I don't get this either - I speak a few foreign languages fluently, I have masters degrees, I've travelled a lot... But everything I do seems to be of no value at all. Everything I do is tainted by my perfectionism - I can't stand the idea of doing anything, because nothing is ever good enough.

The only time I'm feeling OK is when I meditate - the physical pain and anguish doesn't go away, but at least that pleasant 'floaty' feeling makes it all bearable for a while or so. Other than that, it's just me and my ****** brain, all day long.

I've never seriously considered suicide as an actual option, but in the last few days my brain has been suggesting a jump off a bridge. This is starting to get a little scary. I've also been coming home from work just to cry uncontrollably and then go to sleep. Life sucks at this moment.

I've made the decision to leave my relationship, which is going to break my partner's heart, but all of this is just ridiculous. I don't even want to be with myself, let alone another person. They have no real idea about how I'm feeling, but are trying to help - which makes it feel all the worse for some reason.

I have basically no friends or family where I live, and spend a lot of time browsing pointless crap on the internet.

What is wrong with me?

But. The question is: If you've ever made the transition from hating to liking yourself, how the hell did you do it? I'll try anything at this stage, because I feel I've run completely out of options. I can't hack this anymore.

I too self medicated for a long time with drugs, alcohol, and other things. It is how I coped and buried things in order to function. Of course in the long run this stopped working. I was at an extreme emotional bottom. 20 years later with lots of hard work I can honestly say I love and accept myself and have a high self worth. I still deal with depression and anxiety. I haven't found the cure, but life is manageable and overall I do ok even though the depression has had a huge affect on my life. It got much worse after I got clean and sober. How I did it was meds and lots of therapy. Also lots of hard work in AA and Alanon. AA was for addiction but it helped me in so many ways. Didn't cure depression though.

I would keep meditating. Its a very good thing. Check out CBT, DBT, exercise, maybe meds. Lots of things you can do on your own or in therapy. A good support network is essential in my view. Start on the path with healthy things and not addictions.

not sure if I am the exact right person to give any advice. but I am going back and forth between hating myself and liking myself and my life right now. so I am aware if the possibility to change.
Of course this is none of my business but I would not recommend making a decision like breaking up when your depressed right now.
I am not myself when depressed. one day I was really shocked about myself not caring about my family anymore although I know I love them. depression does that. or I wanted to stay away from them because I felt I was only a burden. but it's not true. they care and they don't want me to stay away. they told me many times and when I am depressed I just cannot accept it. but when I am better I know that they really want me around no matter how bad I am.
there is a tendency to isolate when depressed but it makes things worse.
depression also causes not to care about oneself anymore and consider suicide.
when these ideas are in my mind I feel very indifferent about myself and basically annoyed by my own existence.
but it changes. it can change.

it isn't me who is thinking that in a way.
I always try to remember what I would like or think when I am okay and not depressed and be aware that it will be like this again.

I completely understand. I've been dealing with depression my whole life (I'm 40 now) and I'm really now just getting serious about getting help for it. This is the first time I've sat down with my therapist and told her almost everything that's happened in my life. I say almost because there's just a few things that I just couldn't even make myself speak the words. They just wouldn't seem to come out of my mouth. I tried to tell my husband yesterday, just to see if I could take the first step in beginning the healing process with these particular issues, but I just don't even know how to say the words. So, I understand how you feel. It's an impossible situation. To look into the mirror, and hate the person that is staring back at you. To feel no joy in your life. To feel like you're completely alone in the world. I feel like this also. Medication had helped me some, but I think the real help will only come from within me. I have to do the work, and I have to want to fix it. I don't think I've really wanted to fix it before now. I think that I was too busy being swallowed up by guilt, and disgust, and a bunch of other emotions that I shouldn't have felt, because those don't belong to me. They belong to the people that hurt me. You need to decide whether you are finally ready to put in the work to get yourself to a better place, or stay exactly where you are now. You don't deserve to be in this position though, you deserve to be happy. Tell yourself that, and believe it. YOU DESERVE TO BE HAPPY! And so do I. So, let's get ourselves happy, because it's aboutique damn time, isn't it? Now, I'm not going to lie to you, it's not going to be easy, and it's not going to happen overnight. You're going to have to really work hard with a therapist (you need to find a really great one) and let all those emotions out, and don't hold anything back! My therapist is a therapist that deals with patients with chronic pain, so she uses some different techniques. She teaches you some meditation, so you can learn how to control the pain without drugs when the pain is really bad. And she makes you a cd to use at home. I think that would be helpful for you if you can find a therapist that does the same kind of techniques. Look under pain management therapist. Hopefully this was somewhat helpful to you. Anytime you want to talk, I'm here for you Be well, friend.