I'm in my later 40's. I've had it. I can't imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this anymore. I can honestly say I've never felt content, or a day without anxiety for as long as I can remember. Okay, maybe there is a few good times in there, but a whole day? Maybe.
I know I'm not helping anyone here. By typing this, I just feed into more negativity. I can't hlep it right now. I'm soooo tired. I don't know how to go on. I have no choice, my son can't be without me, he will end up with his sick creep of a dad.
Why do I only get fleeting moments of seemingly being able to cope? I wish a doctor had never prescribed me anti anxiety meds. More than 20 years of using them, and all they are good for is to keep me slightly okay for a few hours after I take them. I'm trying to stop, for years already. I was up to 10 mg for a month or so, so now I'm back to 5 (diazepam) at night. It does nothing to help. I feel horrible all day long, and last night I swear, my thoughts don't get a rest. This is crazy, I have a song in my head repeating when i so called " go to sleep" which I say because, the damn song is still in my head 6 hours later when i "wake up'......I'm so sick of this so called life. I hate looking around me around the building here, or anywhere out with people, who look normal and like they are just okay. I'd love to be just okay. Just stop putting me in this hell. Pain. Painful emotions, painful body. I had to vent. I'm sorry I'm no help here. I need some sort of help, but after all these years I feel like there is nothing that will change.
I'm just too stupid and sensitive for this

[MarkNoo11]

Can you change your therapist. If the therapist you have in not working go get a different therapist.

thanks for replying MarkNoo11,
I don't have a therapist. Here where I live, that would be something I'd have to pay for and I can't. I have a psychiatrist, but I can't see him for another 3 weeks or so. I've had him for years, but there isn't much success. I've tried anti depressants and they wind me up. Apparently I'm bipolar, I guess. I say that because I don't get any mania like things happening for years. I do get a few days here and there where I have a little more energy. But not feeling content or happy. Just low, depressed..

It's life. And when I look at it, I know there is much worse that has happened to other people. I should be grateful. But there is so much pain. I can't get rid of it. I know that I could go buy some beer and feel a little numb for a while. But alcohol only causes me to do impulsive stupid things, which have ruined my life.
I know how I could feel a little better. Just ask for a higher dose of benzos. But then I'd be back on the same thing, just needing more and more. And I hate needing pills. I'm just sitting here venting and it somehow helps, but not really. I know there is someone out there that must be feeling ever so horrible too. It doesn't make me feel more like I'm not totally alone. We come in this life alone, we go out alone, we are always alone. Especially me. I don't think I'm a horrible person, but I don't have anyone near me that I could just go knock on their door and talk with.

Part of this makes no sense. I left a horrible husband. I should be glad he's gone. But he had to tell me yesterday, that his new gf is so awesome. She "has her **** together, she has a job, she owns her own home, she has a clean home", and he made sure I knew he was having sex with her. This shouldn't bother me. It's the putting me back in my mind, where he used to call me the most horrible names in the book, that has gotten me right back there. I feel hopeless and useless.

I started seeing someone, he acted like he really liked me, and that he would be back he said, again and again. In other words, I could count on him as a friend. He just stopped responding on Friday. No explanation. I guess he just decided I wasn't worth it.

I was okay as long as I thought I had someone in my life. I know a man can't fix my problems, but I felt less lonely. I felt wanted, really wanted, for the first time in almost 20 years of hell with the ex. I even tried fixing my marriage and that was so stupid of me. He was abusive. I should have left him, but he made me feel like I was worth nothing to anyone, but he kept acting like he was my only hope.

I fell apart, just because he had to smile yesterday at me, and I was near tears. He loved telling me how much better she is. He shouldn't be able to make me feel so horrible but he has.

I can't take this crappy life I led. There's no way to explain it, but there is nothing but embarrassments in my past, and failures.

My tinnitus is driving me nuts, it's so much worse. I know I shouldn't be blaring music in my ears but i don't care anymore. I can't eat, sleep...everythign hurts

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

I hate looking around me around the building here, or anywhere out with people, who look normal and like they are just okay. I'd love to be just okay. Just stop putting me in this hell. Pain. Painful emotions, painful body.

You would be surprised at how many people are really not ok. Many of the people you are looking at are probably struggling with something, even when they appear to be normal (whatever that really means).

I'm not saying this to invalidate your pain, but just to let you know that you are not alone. A lot of people suffer silently. This forum is a collection of people who want to share and explore their pain, with the hope of maybe helping each other. However, in that respect, this forum is the exception, rather than the rule. Most people tend to suffer in silence, because of the fear of not appearing normal. You are brave though, because you don't hide your pain and try to be supportive of others in pain.

I like this quote:

“I think that we're all mentally ill. Those of us outside the asylums only hide it a little better - and maybe not all that much better after all.” - Stephen King

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

I can't take this crappy life I led. There's no way to explain it, but there is nothing but embarrassments in my past, and failures.

My tinnitus is driving me nuts, it's so much worse. I know I shouldn't be blaring music in my ears but i don't care anymore. I can't eat, sleep...everythign hurts

This sounds like how I feel at times. I feel like my life is full of embarrassments and failures too. However, there is still time for us to experience some fulfillment and have some successes. It is never too late, until we are gone from this planet.

I have tinnitus too, and it drives me crazy at times too. I hate being in complete silence now, because then I just hear that never ending ringing.

Originally Posted by DeepSoul

This sounds like how I feel at times. I feel like my life is full of embarrassments and failures too. However, there is still time for us to experience some fulfillment and have some successes. It is never too late, until we are gone from this planet.

I have tinnitus too, and it drives me crazy at times too. I hate being in complete silence now, because then I just hear that never ending ringing.

Thank you, it helps me to know that someone understands me. The tinnitus is getting worse, I've had it for a long time. I'm sorry you have it too. It is maddening. I usually am good at ignoring or just being used to it. Silence is unbearable. There has to be something to listen to.

I feel better already. I don't start too many threads because I don't think I should be looking for too much attention. But it's amazing me, how much less lonely I feel just by seeing those hugs under my thread and these replies. It's just so nice to have someone respond and talk to me. I hope when I'm doing better I will be able to help someone here.

[monkeybruv]

Maybe you need different meds? Like an ssri or something with a long half-life and subtler effects rather than temporary relief?

[monkeybruv]

ps - if your ex really loved his new girlfriend he wouldn't need you to validate their relationship, he'd be in his own happy world with her, not worrying about what you thought. ignore his childish games. he lost you and he's not going to like having to give up control over your emotions and self-esteem so the best thing you can do is recognise that he's clearly insecure to need to feed off bringing people down and smile because you're above that.

[Onward2wards]

((((( needarealitycheck )))))

If his awesome new gf has her life together now, she may not once she has to put up with his dark side for a time!

Deepside is right about a lot of people looking okay but beneath the facade they feel terrible. I've been surprised at that myself, many times, when I open up to people who seem like all is sunshine and roses.

[PoorPrincess]

I hear ya, Reality,

Different boat I'm in, but the same stuff suffocating the life out of me.
It's a lousy deal. There is physical pain, then there is the pain of existence.
I can relate to the pain and anguish you live with. I'm at my wits end. Another forum highly suggested to my attention Clair Weeks' book Hope and Healing for Your Nerves. I just read a few online reviews and I was mildly interested. (Of course, this malaise has robbed be of all capability to sit/to read a book.) Perhaps it may be of some even small help to you, dear Reality. Hang in there, 'cause you really are worth it ... even though we do not know that of ourselves now, we will know it again. We've got to daily affirm something, right? Keep us posted here. We care.

[yumi]

You're not alone in feeling this way. I just wanted to give you a hug. Wish I could in real life, but over the internet will have to do.

Thank you people for talking to me. I like what was said about the ex, it makes sense. He doesn't want to give up control over my self esteem. That is true. He is hateful and hurtful, and now if he's happy it doesn't matter, he still wants me to feel like crap.
I know I won't make any sense, I'm just so lonely tonight. I've felt horrible today. This noise in my head, this tinnitus, is terrible for some reason. I've done a good job for many years ignoring it. I don't think I get a good sleep any more for a long time.
I know there are others suffering here too, but right now I feel like if anyone could jump inside me, know my life and feelings, they would wonder how I'm still here. I'm not exaggerating. I'm sick of things. It's not that I don't appreciate all the encouragement, all these great people here. I just can't take the pain. But I know there is nothing to do but keep being here. My head is screaming. Who can live with this? I wish my family (what little I have left) could really know what it's like to have lived my life. I don't think they could understand. I can't take much more.
I'm a terrible mother anyways. I really am. I love my kids very much, but the way I feel I a m no good to them. I don't see myself helping them anymore. I'm just in a hopeless state and this is useless even saying anything. I can't live without some kind of relief right now, and there's nothing going to make me feel better. Nothing. If you could hear what I hear, feel what I feel, live what I lived, you'd be going batty too. sorry for this vent

[Rose76]

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

I don't know how to go on. I have no choice, my son can't be without me, he will end up with his sick creep of a dad.

Remember those words? Pretty smart thinking.

Was a long time since I wrote this, I feel somewhat ashamed of how my last post sounded, but I guess it is how I felt.
Funny how long it is taking me to get over someone who didn't love me. My counselor said my son is who is saving me right now. I know what she means, I haven't got a choice. Thanks Rose for reminding me of everything... it is easy to forget and it was good to read those replies again....thanks all

[vital]

Originally Posted by needarealitycheck

I'm in my later 40's. I've had it. I can't imagine living the rest of my life feeling like this anymore. I can honestly say I've never felt content, or a day without anxiety for as long as I can remember. Okay, maybe there is a few good times in there, but a whole day? Maybe.
I know I'm not helping anyone here. By typing this, I just feed into more negativity. I can't hlep it right now. I'm soooo tired. I don't know how to go on. I have no choice, my son can't be without me, he will end up with his sick creep of a dad.
Why do I only get fleeting moments of seemingly being able to cope? I wish a doctor had never prescribed me anti anxiety meds. More than 20 years of using them, and all they are good for is to keep me slightly okay for a few hours after I take them. I'm trying to stop, for years already. I was up to 10 mg for a month or so, so now I'm back to 5 (diazepam) at night. It does nothing to help. I feel horrible all day long, and last night I swear, my thoughts don't get a rest. This is crazy, I have a song in my head repeating when i so called " go to sleep" which I say because, the damn song is still in my head 6 hours later when i "wake up'......I'm so sick of this so called life. I hate looking around me around the building here, or anywhere out with people, who look normal and like they are just okay. I'd love to be just okay. Just stop putting me in this hell. Pain. Painful emotions, painful body. I had to vent. I'm sorry I'm no help here. I need some sort of help, but after all these years I feel like there is nothing that will change.
I'm just too stupid and sensitive for this

Have you seen a medical doctor? There are physical problems that can cause depression (hypothyroidism for example).