Extremely low

Feeling extremely down today. I feel like if I let myself cry and be sad, I will seriously think of suicide and I believe thoughts of it are very bad even though it isn't the action. Thoughts can lead to action.
My parents are fighting right now which doesn't happen often. My stepdad is in a bad mood for some reason (I think he gets like this when he's stressed or is feeling hungry) but he gave my mom an attitude and I backed her up.
Anyways, if you read my last topic I posted it's titled "The truth". The title doesn't have to do with the post because I changed the post but yeah. These last few days have been very rough.
I try very very hard to think positive. I feel like if I don't, I will feel suicidal and that scares me very much. I don't want to worry my family but I honestly can't help that I feel this way. They don't know I feel suicidal. I have an Asian family so it's not common to deal with topics like these. They know about therapy but yeah.
I go to therapy once every 2 weeks because my mom wanted that and plus it's costly so this is better than none at all.
I just feel like overwhelming sadness.
I was always confused on if I had depression or not because it's not hard for me to be positive when something wonderful happens. But when sadness does come to me, it's terrible. The sadness gets worse and worse not better and lighter.
I pray to God because I feel like (even though I am iffy about him I am TRYING) he is the only one who can save me. No one else can except for him. He is the symbol of Hope.
Whenever I have negative thoughts like self hate or depression, I've recently tried to think of it like this: God wants me to have positive thoughts, Satan is trying to make me stray away from believing in God and wants me to feel depressed, sad, anxious, have fear, feel paralyzed with sadness, and other negative emotions. So when I am feeling this way, I feel like I should not listen to Satan's voice but more of God's voice telling me there IS hope. And that he loves me very much. And that I can do this. It really helps me feel hopeful.
That is the only way I can stop myself in my negative tracks but today, I've sort of let that thought go and allowed myself to be sad because being positive all the time is exhausting.

I really don't know what to do. I know no one is a trained professional here so I guess I'm just looking for kind words, advice, stories, etc.

How I'm feeling:
I feel like the person I am is not right. If I wanna drink, it's not right even though other kids my age do it. I'm 18. I don't even drink a lot and even compared to other people I don't, trust me.
I just feel devastated that I am the one being wronged. I feel like my thoughts aren't the same as everyone else. I like different things, I talk about different things, and sometimes I don't get other schoolmates' humor. I try to laugh along or something. I am not socially awkward but I feel like when I'm in a place where no one is talking to me, I just want to be to myself and go on my phone. But now, I feel enormous pressure to be outgoing and not be to myself and talk to other people even though I'm not that type of person. I just felt like in the past, people have judged me for being quiet so now it's like I NEED to be outgoing and be fearless in order for things to run smoothly, it sucks.

I feel enormous pressure in my singing group that I need to have the same humor as them and talk about the same things as them and react to things the same as them. It also doesn't help that I am the only Asian in the group too. There is a girl who is half but I get a niche she isn't too fond of me.
I feel frustration. I don't understand why some people don't like me. I know the whole saying about Not everyone is gonna like you and I get that. But it affects me because I try to not create drama. I try to create peaceful friendships. I never like to fight. And I try to be nice to people. I don't try to harm people. So it just is weird for someone to dislike me.

Another thing. Like I said, I never used to stand up for myself. I was quiet like I said before. I was a doormat to people back in the day. I was hurt badly. I was treated poorly by "best friends". Now, I try to be more tough. I try to stand up for myself. I make myself be outgoing so that people won't think I am quiet and think I don't have anything to offer. My sister was also quiet but she made herself outgoing like I do.
The thing is now, I developed social anxiety and I get scared to speak up even though I speak up. I basically am afraid of speaking my mind while I am speaking my mind. I am afraid of putting myself out there but I do it anyway because the saying "If you never try, you'll never know" and "YOLO" and "Be yourself" has been engraved into my mind.
I basically am uncomfortable for being outgoing but I do it anyway because I feel like maybe I will REGRET not saying how I feel as an old woman.
It is painful to be someone I'm not. The thing is I WANT to be outgoing. But I don't feel good about it. I hope that makes sense.

I also feel like I am lying to people about who I really am. In class, I volunteer because I like volunteering but when the teacher wants someone to say an answer, I feel pressure to because no one else is doing it. (And also the pressure about being speaking your mind and being fearless) I feel like me doing this will make it easier for me to speak or act (I like acting) in the future. It'll be less of a struggle for me to talk and I will develop being genuinely fearless when I speak.

I also feel like me changing is upsetting people. Like in my topic that I last posted, I talked about me trying to socialize with people in my singing group. I talked to 2 older guys about me hearing about partying on a singing trip and how it sounds like fun. I told them that I heard about what happened (and it wasn't about them) on the trips. They said Yeah you're so invited to party with us. Then yesterday, at our performance, we were all in a room. And I hear one of the older guys talking to his girl/guy friends about me knowing all this information and how I shouldn't get too crazy with partying. (I even told them that another guy told me stuff about the trips. They don't even know me at all. How do they know I go crazy? I don't...) They were saying this right behind my back secretly whispering and thought I couldn't hear it.
Then one of the girls said I remember floor length dresses in highschool (with a dissatisfying look in her face) and I was wearing a floor length dress because I didn't buy a shorter dress yet for my new class.

This situation (yesterday) is what brought me down yesterday and today. I felt extremely depressed.
I felt down because I thought, why do they not like me? I mean why did they talk crap about me knowing information and about partying on the trip. Is that so bad? I didn't think it was bad at all. Why did that girl make me feel bad about me wearing a floor length dress? And let me just say the dress was very flattering on me so maybe she was jealous? May I mention the people talking crap is way older than I am.

Now I'm afraid that one of then might find this post somehow. I am afraid she will read this.
I am also afraid the older kids in the group might tell my teacher about knowing I drink at 18 because they are close to her.
I am afraid she might talk to me about it and I am just fearful.
I feel depressed. And scared. And unsupported. And alone. I feel bad about being me.
*deep breath*

Just spoke to my therapist on the phone because I emailed her. I feel better. She told me I didn't need to listen to them or what they thought of me. They were being immature.
She also said I needed a safely plan just invade I feel low again because my parents aren't someone I want to tell and they won't like what I tell them so yeah.

I'm glad you are feeling a bit better after speaking with your therapist.
Personal Opinion: This is good, this is valuable. You are entirely correct - forced positivity is draining. Allowing yourself to be sad is salutary.

Other opinions exist, and you are experiencing depression in a particular cultural environment. Nevertheless, I hope you can find ways of not adding guilt to the psychic burdens you are already carrying.

Can you talk more about depression in a particular cultural environment? And adding guilt to the psychic burdens? Sorry I sort of understand but a little confused.

Thanks for the reply btw, I really appreciate it.
Yes my therapist called me because I emailed her saying I needed help. She said if things get very bad I would need to call 911 so an ambulance can come get me. I just don't want to scare my parents if I do do that. Ugh

I would be glad to talk about my depression in a particular cultural environment. Right now I don't have time but I have been thinking about it and could write a lot. I will try tonight.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I just wanted to know what it was about. It doesn't need to be a whole story...

In a nutshell it is about cultural expectations that some of us can't live up to and are therefore shamed. And we shame ourselves for not living up to them or for having a really hard time living up to them. The pressures can be enormous and cause much conflict within us.

Yup I agree with that. I can relate to that very much. I think to help us, we need to love who we are and accept who we are. It's hard but once we do, other cultures won't upset our self esteem and etc.

Wise words.

Often when we are young we don't realize that we actually have a choice in what values, views, spiritual beliefs, cultural norms, etc., that we choose to adopt. They might fit our culture or not, some will, some won't. Its our life.

Also we can honestly assess our strengths and limitations and figure out how to work with what we have.

This is not easy to sort out and can take years and is subject to change. Knowing it is empowering though.

Zinco14532323 has well addressed much of what I meant. (Thank you, Zinco.)

Your parents raised you in certain ways; you are now interacting with young people whose parents raised them in ways different from what you knew in your early life. There's great potential for unintentional miscommunication.

Also, you are greatly concerned about how your depression may affect or be understood by your parents. On the background of your upbringing, you may feel bad for feeling bad. You are suffering with depression, and you may feel guilty for suffering with depression.

This is what I meant by adding guilt.

Try - it's not easy - to allow yourself to simply be sad or depressed without piling guilt on top of that sadness. One way to try is by acknowledging the feelings and thoughts without fighting them, and then relax and let the thoughts go. If the thoughts return, let them return; say "hello," relax and let them go again.

Over time the thoughts and feelings may not visit so often.

I'm glad you are in a singing group. I wish you success and as much joy as you can handle.