[tealBumblebee]

I've been in a bit of a depressed spell the last few weeks, but this past 7 days or so things have been good. I woke up on Friday in a generally good mood but I felt like I could have cried at any given moment. I have no reason, but I woke up and just felt it.

Today, I woke up feeling a bit crappy both physically and mentally. I'm not a sick person, but i've been tired and achy for the last two weeks or so. I almost want to go to the doctor (I do have a history of light anemia) but ever since my obgyn put depression/self injury in my chart I almost don't trust anyone to take me seriously.

I've wanted to cry since I woke up this morning. I pushed through it but it was there. I came home from church and watched the news and saw the little boy protesting the Ferguson chaos by holding a *free hugs* sign and I looked up the story and just started bawling. I cried so hard my head and throat hurt and I'm still teary eyed over it.

Then, I've been a bit on a Jesus Loves Me kick and trying to really get to know God (my own personal belief). Reading the bible made me feel like humans, in general, or a sucky group of people. It flat out said that God regretted making us and I look at the world today and don't much blame him.

Went on to do some random googling, and pretty much read that not only do humans suck but human females are worth even less than a human man. And it's not that I want to be "over" a man - truth be told, I don't want to be over anybody. I can barely care for myself. But to be told that I'm worth half of a man? T and I have been working on self worth (she's mentioned that this is the underlying reason for my suicidality) and now i'm being told that i'm unworthy - I just don't know what to believe or how to deal anymore. So I went to the bathroom and sat on the floor bawling again, because i'm just this unworthy piece of life that God never really liked in the first place.

Also, It's not a big secret that females get their cycle so i'm not going to tip toe around the issue. I'm on mine. While I do sometimes get a bit weepy, I wouldn't flat out say that I have PMDD - I really don't think I do. I just...don't know whats wrong with me. I feel like such a freak of nature right now.

[healingme4me]

Not sure which version or translation you've been reading, certainly not how mine's worded.

One can find things anywhere to support things, that might not be entirely factual.

I had this clerk, once not sure if she was serious, her impression, whatnot, tell me to my face that I'm such a b****. Whether true or not, on the whole I'm kind and caring, and certainly loveable. Guess, I'm saying, don't make other people's perceptions your reality.

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[tealBumblebee]

Thanks for replying.

I've tried not to take all the biblical stuff in because I haven't read it in context but my mother has always said that women are basically second to men in everything (which is what made me look it up). However, the human sucking in general I actually read in Genesis (as far as i've gotten, KJV) and it said the Lord regretted making us and I mean, we're really not any better than the humans then.

I was at the store the other day and people were like cussing about some others walking slowly in front of them. And at work, (i work at a hospital) people are so cruel and unsympathetic to the patients and they do test you but people don't even TRY to be kind anymore. I am no better than them, because just as they have flaws in that area I have flaws in areas of my own.

I try to "be the change I wish to see" but all I hear is "oh teal, you're so sweet/nice/caring yada yada" - what I don't see is change.

What I really want to do is stop crying. I want to know that everything is going to be okay. I don't want to be this sad mess. I'm trying to remain hopeful but days like this, its so so hard.

[Idiot17]

I don't really have much left to say except ((((((teal))))Stay well.

[tealBumblebee]

I so want to email T, but I don't want to bother her last day of her thanksgiving holiday.

[Curupira]

I am sorry you are going through a hard time. Hormonal fluctuations can definitely mess with the mind, but if it makes you feel better men have them as well, they just don't have such visible evidence of it. For a lot of women the hormonal swings can be worse when they are younger and get better with age. That was true for me. If you are dealing with a chemical imbalance hormonal shifts can impact that

As to faith. I don't want to lecture or preach. But I will say this my own relationship with faith is tempestuous. I have found that I have more difficulty with believers than belief. If your faith is a defining factor for you then give yourself a chance to discover your God in whatever way he/she presents themselves to you.

[Idiot17]

It's about you. Go ahead and email her, either she'll read it on her last holiday day or she'll wait but you should do it for yourself. She can take care of herself.

[tealBumblebee]

Originally Posted by Idiot17

It's about you. Go ahead and email her, either she'll read it on her last holiday day or she'll wait but you should do it for yourself. She can take care of herself.

She can, but I know that she cares about me enough to read it as soon as she gets it and reply to it then as well. I can't bring myself to do it. I'm not suicidal or anything, just can't stop crying. Tears never hurt anyone so i'll be alright. I will just try to sleep I guess. Work in the am.

[tealBumblebee]

Thank you all for listening to me whine/cry. I try not to post these kind of posts because I don't want to be an attention seeker but I couldn't hold it back anymore tonight.

[Idiot17]

I can totally understand trying not to be an attention seeker, I too try not to post and think many times before posting any threads.
But I don't see you here trying to get attention yet someone in dire need of convincing and help to see what best to do.
Think about yourself, for once in your life put yourself as priority. She can tell whether you are suicidal or not and being a therapist she can decide whether to wait to respond till tomorrow or respond to you now.
You need her now, you have someone you can contact. Do so. Show you did yours and then the rest remains in her hands. She's the processional she's the one that can make these decisions.
((((((Teal)))))