[Apathy83]

I am a 30-year old male from the Netherlands looking for answers to my questions. Hence I am here.

My user name is revealing? Am I apathetic? Or depressed?

My story:

I lost my job one year ago (end Dec 2013). This was a company restructure (my department went from 6 to 3 staff). For two months I stayed in my apartment (I was living in Paris at the moment) but then I decided to move on. Economy in France at the moment is really bad (unemployment at record levels) specially in my field. Then living in Paris is (rent-wise) over-expensive... not worth it.

So I went to Barcelona in march for 4 months to refresh my Spanish (and "do" something) and do an intensive course. It was very refreshing and good for my mind (learning a language). Great time.

Then in July (summertime) I decided to return to NL to stay at my parents'. I have some savings (about $20.000, not much) but I wanted to keep and focus on job hunting. And here I am!

I haven't found a job in this time. It should worry me but I just cope. I don't feel guilty or anything. My previous job was OK and prestigious, but I don't think it would make me really happy.

I have had interviews (after I returned in June) but jobs are very competitive. I also have been picky. I am 30, educated (I have a college and master grad) and I just need a job where I feel involved. My main drive is not really salary but something I like.

In September I had two interviews in the same week (last round) for two jobs I would love, where I was dinged and that was a turning point. One because they decided not to employ anyone (which is true at this day), and the second one because they decided to employ someone else with, honestly, a more suited CV to that position.

After September I have became very encloistered. I am now at my parents' which is a small town (I just train/fly for interviews). I rarely leave home; just don't feel the need now in winter. My friends leave in larger cities in NL or abroad. I have contact with some of them on a daily basis through email/facebook, and they understand my situation. Now it is winter and dark, so leaving home is more annoying. I don't have much contact with my parents either. It is sad to say, but I really ignore them to some extent. We live in a large house and they are retired but have a somehow active live outside (more than me).

What really worries me is that I have became somehow used and comfortable with this situation. I eat healthy and balanced, I sleep well, I go for a jogging, I look for jobs on Internet (some days with more enthusiasm that others) and I don't have "bad feelings". To some extent, I feel comfortable with myself (I had depression at 15-yo, so I know that terrible feeling).

But I can't continue with this situation forever! Life is something else. Am I just apathetic? Or is this some depression?

At the end of the day, I am just wondering whether this is a just a protective shield and I am "scared" to return to the competitive world of work life. But the longer I do that, the worst. Or maybe it is just a mid-life crisis and I need to find something else to take my life to.

Just out of curiosity, I made the Sanity Score and I got 91.

General Coping 50
Life Events 22
Depression 31
Anxiety 45
Phobias 67
Self-Esteem 17
Eating Disorders 20
Schizophrenia 10
Dissociation 58
Mania 45
Sexual Issues 38
Relationship Issues 0
Alcohol 0
Drugs 0
Physical Issues 0
Smoking Issues 0
Gambling Issues 0
Technology Issues 50
Obsessions/Compulsions 44
Posttraumatic Stress 50
Borderline Traits 54

I would appreciate any input!

[CANDC]

Dear Apathy, you could be just unwinding although it has been so long, it seems like you are comfortable that it seems like retirement, but you said it is too early for retiring from the world.
My friend started doing temporary work to see if they could cope with the world or if revealed any underlying conflicts.
What about a life coach.

If you want to explore a book about what you might do in life, there is a book by Gregg Levoy called CALLINGS that tells people's stories that hit roadblocks.

There are many forums to explore here. Thanks for posting on PC.

[Apathy83]

Originally Posted by CANDC

Dear Apathy, you could be just unwinding although it has been so long, it seems like you are comfortable that it seems like retirement, but you said it is too early for retiring from the world.
My friend started doing temporary work to see if they could cope with the world or if revealed any underlying conflicts.
What about a life coach.

If you want to explore a book about what you might do in life, there is a book by Gregg Levoy called CALLINGS that tells people's stories that hit roadblocks.

There are many forums to explore here. Thanks for posting on PC.

Dear CANDC,

Thanks for your reply and recommendations.

I can cope with the world. As I say, I have interviews and do "well".

When I say I am picky, I am not saying I am looking for my dream job. I just don't want any job that would lead me to a cycle of unhappiness or low-pay. Looking for a full-time job takes a lot of time and effort as well.

I pretty much know the kind of job I would love and I had some interviews. But it is competitive.

I believe that at 30 I just want some direction in my life.

In my 20s I pushed myself to some "extreme" experiences (I am quite introverted). I went to the US to do a master's degree (in New England ) and then went to SE Asia for 2 years to work. I liked the experiences but I always had this call of home. So landing a job in Paris (although it is not my country, it is culturally and geographically close; it is like being from New Hampshire and living in New York, not a big deal) felt so good.

A month ago I just contacted some people in SE Asia that I knew from there and I was even offered a job which was very interesting honestly. But I of all of a sudden experienced bad sleep and stress about thinking to move there again! I just don't want... what afterwards?. When I have had interviews in Europe it just felt "good". Maybe that is the "Posttraumatic stress"

So I think I know what I want: a job in Europe (where I feel "at home") and the kind of job I want. I can picture myself in that.

But I wonder sometimes if I am too narrow-minded and that is what is pushing me to en cloister myself.

Hard to tell.