[shn146]

Hi everyone,

This is the first time i am using a forum to describe how i feel.

Infact it was only 2 days ago when i was feeling suicidal and ended up in A&E to seek help i found out i might be suffering from DID and self sabotage. I have self harmed and also destroyed every happy moment in my life at different stages. I am 31 years old and aince childhood have been doing it and never understood why. I have cut myself ever since i can remember, i have on numerous occassions for no reason whatsoever tried to ruin things for myself. I will then pick myself up and start over and make everything better around me and then bang, i will go and destroy it again. I always find a way to ruin it even though it is not needed.

I am now scared that no matter what i do in life i will always find a way to destroy my hard earned life as i have already done over and over. I have finally reached my breaking point where i cant carry on and have no clue how to take my life forward.

I am lost. So very lost.

[Idiot17]

((((shn146))))

I hope that being here on PC will be of help to you as you try to find your way back, shn146. The more you post your own Threads, & reply to others' posts, the more you'll derive from the time you spend here. So please dive in & keep posting!

[Anxious Minds]

It sucks when we lose control, and I can't imagine how you must feel. I hope you find some sort of peace for yourself.

You say it started when you were a child. Can you remember the first time it happened? Sometimes I think there is no why for what we do. Sometimes we reach a certain age and things just click...and there's no going back, at least not to the life we had before our first episode of whatever issue starts driving us. The hope I find is that, while I can't reclaim that youthful peace and innocence, that there is hope in learning to manage and cope with the issues I face now and stop letting them destroy my life.

Mitch Hedburg (a comedian) once said "If you're lost in the woods, build a house. 'Well I was lost, but now I live here. I seriously improved my predicament!'" It was a joke, of course, but it can also be a serious piece of advice.

[wolfgaze]

You can break this cycle... You have to push yourself to engage in introspection and dig deep within yourself through self-reflection / contemplation - eventually you will uncover the true source of these behaviors...

Look at the 'self sabotage' as a symptom and not the cause of your struggles. On the surface one might say, "Well I just need to stop this self-sabotaging behavior".... But if the behavior is the symptom, then only focusing on controlling the symptom will not resolve the matter, as it will spring up again. You need to identify and address the true cause/source that is responsible for creating these symptoms (behaviors). When I say 'cause/source' - think along the lines of unprocessed emotional energy connected to earlier life experiences that may have been suppressed/repressed due to being too difficult to acknowledge and release at the time of those experiences. Once you go through the process of identifying, acknowledging (experiencing) and releasing those 'blockages' - the symptom (self-sabotaging behavior) will dissolve away. I don't know your personal history so this may be something that you could seek the help of a counselor/therapist to assist you with - or a compassionate listener in your life. Just trying to provide you with a very general outline of how the healing process typically plays out.

Hang in there and never give up. Keep pushing yourself forward and you will navigate your way through this life challenge and have strengthened and refined yourself for having done so.

[shn146]

Thank you everyone... I need to reflect on my life and i know its a tough ride forward... Wolfgaze i have just been to my first therapist session today and it has left me a bit more distressed than i was... but i will hang in there and see where it takes me... thanks all once again...

[Little Jay]