[dandylin]

Trying to remember the true meaning for me, as a Catholic. Thinking about anything else, is overwhelmingly sad for me.

[Shriveled Muse]

Originally Posted by shattered sanity

we love you here!. (i know it's not the same), but we do

Thank you ^^ It means a lot~~

[Mefisto]

Today i had sudden success with university exams. It raised my mood a little and i thought for one microsecond, by the habit, that "i need to tell my girlfriend and bestfriend about it" and then i remembered that i don't have neither girlfriend or bestfriend anymore...It sucks to have almost nobody to share some good news with. My mood is down again.

feeling miserable and terrible

I'm good - Xmas presents were awesome this year! New laptop! Now I don't have to beg for the old, slow family laptop, or worry about my parents finding out what I do online! Also got a cool light-up fountain thing and Bath & Body Works perfume/lotion. (I ♥ Bath and Body Works). Silver hoop earring too, I love them. :3

Emotionally, I don't know. I'm hyped up from all the cool gifts, but I'm worried about tonight - when my parents start drinking/fighting. They fought until midnight last night, then fought again at 4 am. So I didn't sleep much, understandably...

[Bark]

I spoke to a friend I met inpatient who's been gone almost a year for treatment. I haven't heard her voice in so long. Can't wait to see her.

Mood's been good. Got to work on myself, get into a routine, help out at home. I'm making it a point not to stay in the bedroom. So far so good.

Woke up having dreadful feelings. After eating breakfast, I felt better. But in the morning I felt pretty blue. It was a cloudy morning.

Since being alone for Christmas I thought that I could keep myself busy a little bit and go on a long bike ride. I did go on a three hour bike ride today and it turned out to be a very nice day. All morning it had been cloudy. At noon it rained a little bit and very dark. I left at 12:30 when it was still cloudy, but no rain. But I could see towards the west that it was all blue skies.

Feeling much better after the bike ride. Nothing much lined up for the rest of the afternoon and evening. My only friend that I have is gone and will not be back until tomorrow evening. I really miss him.

[bronzeowl]

Feeling chronically lonely. My friend's list across all messengers is dwindling, and I feel so isolated most of the time. Depression is kicking my butt as of late. I remain lonely, perpetually sad, hungry, and just so dang exhausted.

Originally Posted by Mefisto

Today i had sudden success with university exams. It raised my mood a little and i thought for one microsecond, by the habit, that "i need to tell my girlfriend and bestfriend about it" and then i remembered that i don't have neither girlfriend or bestfriend anymore...It sucks to have almost nobody to share some good news with. My mood is down again.

Hey friend,, I wanted to put thanks under your post because, at least you had sudden success with your university exams. Be proud man, it is gonna take its time getting over what you felt was so hurtful to you. Remember they will live with their own hurts and mistakes and eventually, I do promise you, even if it takes almost half or more of your life, you will realize it gets better.
You can do this, move on... keep taking steps.

There is something wrong with me that I can't explain, so tired, but I know the pit. I hope you all had as best a christmas as can be and a happier and healthier new year friends.

[herethennow]

not too good. having a really busy weekend and i dunno how to feel about it.

still feeling like wanting to end it all.

Even though I have nothing much planned for the day, I'm in a good mood because I made a discovery. My jog/walk this morning was MUCH improved. The only thing that's different is that I've eaten a lot over the past couple of days for the holidays. I had anorexia when I was younger and still have body dysmorphic disorder, which causes me to really limit my food intake so as not to gain weight. Maybe I just wasn't fueling up enough to perform.

Since I'm not working right now (and not quite yet volunteering), I really need something to make me feel like I'm accomplishing something. I really feel good about my exercise this morning. I bet if I at least eat more of a full meal the day before jogging, I will improve faster. I'm going to buy some t.v. dinners today (I only cook a "good" meal once a week) and see if eating more the day before exercising will help.

[winter4me]

Not a good day.

Originally Posted by winter4me

Not a good day.

me neither. hugs

[waterknob1234]

Life was so hectic getting ready for Christmas, but I really enjoyed Christmas this year. I enjoyed being with my children and family. I also enjoyed seeing my nephew who lives in Memphis. Overall, I had a good holiday. Now I am tired.

I wish I could get rid of nightmares though. I don't really know what causes them. I dreamed that I messed up something at work and a supervisor was angry and started lecturing me. Why do I dream this? I am not even thinking about work. I was off work yesterday enjoying Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Monday. Do I have an inner demon that is critical?

[Timothybythesea]

Guess we made it through Christmas. Now one more major depressing holiday to check off the list: New Years. I also guess with a new year coming up I should look back at my blessings for last year. The temptation is to only look at all the bad **** that happened and I guess being disowned by my daughter is bad **** but its her loss. Not sure if the reason she did it to me is because of the depression or whether it is her own craziness. Either way for right now she is almost completely out of my life. But through that loss I found a new family . . . a family of friends . . . that accept me the way I am. That is a major blessing. Another blessing is my new house. It's tiny <1000 sq feet but it is the first place I have had in 13 years. I have my dear family of friends to thank for that. Lastly I am so thankful that I have the strength to keep fighting the terrible thoughts of self injury.
Maybe this is much to long an entry for the checking in thread . . . but after a couple of weeks of hell (suicidal thoughts) I have come back into the light.

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Life was so hectic getting ready for Christmas, but I really enjoyed Christmas this year. I enjoyed being with my children and family. I also enjoyed seeing my nephew who lives in Memphis. Overall, I had a good holiday. Now I am tired.

I wish I could get rid of nightmares though. I don't really know what causes them. I dreamed that I messed up something at work and a supervisor was angry and started lecturing me. Why do I dream this? I am not even thinking about work. I was off work yesterday enjoying Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Monday. Do I have an inner demon that is critical?

glad you had a good christmas.

relax...

their are a few days until people start planning celebrations for the new year

and i hope those night mares go away soon!

[Bark]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

I wish I could get rid of nightmares though. I don't really know what causes them. I dreamed that I messed up something at work and a supervisor was angry and started lecturing me. Why do I dream this? I am not even thinking about work. I was off work yesterday enjoying Christmas, and I don't go back to work until Monday. Do I have an inner demon that is critical?

Same here. I regularly have dreams that disturb me in one way or the other. I keep dreaming that I'm inpatient again, or that I have studies I'm behind on. It's funny, when I was inpatient, I kept dreaming that I'd escaped somehow and had to go back.

I just sigh and thank goodness it was a dream. Sometimes I write them down. Thinking of dreams as being mostly about things I've thought of during the day or well-trodden paths in my brain helps. Still wish I could have nice dreams, though.

Well, it's post-Xmas depression again. Last night I actually felt pretty good. My parents didn't fight like I thought they were going to. I meditated for a while and went to bed. Today I feel horrible. Physically - because I have a headache, brain fog, can't focus. Mentally, because I'm once again depressed and not feeling near as well as I was last night. No doubt tonight will be a lot less peaceful than last night was...

[gayleggg]

Originally Posted by winter4me

Not a good day.

I agree. I could be hypomanic. I'm not sure if I'm depressed and anxious or just bored.

[H-H-H-H]

Does pacing count as exercise?

[Rose76]

I'm not quite keeping up with what I need do.

[TheOriginalMe]

Depression sucks. I am really miserable, plodding through the day, tears rolling down my cheeks, only briefly lifting into a mood of dull dissatisfaction from my baseline of anhedonic hopelessness. Often, I don't know why I am crying it is just the tears won't stop.

Feeling hideous. Been playing around with the webcam on my new laptop. It's a lot higher quality than the old laptop, but still it seems I can't take a good picture to save my life.

[maddnessreturns]

I've been pretty productive today which is good. I haven't had a good nights sleep in a while though. I either have nightmares or can't fall asleep due to my racing thoughts.