[Stronger]

I've had major depression for many years, been hospitalized three times and I've tried to kill myself more times than I can count. But I'm WAY too good at making everyone think I'm doing great. I'm the one who helps people through everything. I hate asking for help.

My t right now is not a good fit and I don't know how to leave. If I get another one, that'll be my 6th t! I'm so tired of therapy.
I don't want to go back to the hospital ever again, because people worry about me. It's expensive, it's time consuming, and people become concerned (did I already say that?). But if we're being honest, I'm headed in just that direction.

I need someone to listen to this heart cry, but continually asking for help gets so old so fast.

God has used this heartbreak in so many magnificent ways in the past. But I'm just so sick of it! I want it gone!

I also have narcolepsy, and after failing on every stimulant, this last medication was supposed to be the answer. But it hasn't helped. And one of the side effects can be (and has been) increased depression/suicidal ideation. There is a chance it will start being effective within a month or so, which is why I'm still on it.
But I don't wanna be tired anymore! I don't wanna carry this heavy heart anymore!

Where has all my hope gone?? I don't know what to do.

[CANDC]

Stronger, congratulations on trying to find solutions even if they did not do what was expected. They can all be very helpful but they may not be what can answer the ultimate answer of life, what gift is mine to give.

I look to see what help I can find in a different place, within me. I won't stop taking meds or therapy or getting help from the PDOC, I just don't expect that someone or something can help solve all my problems. Sometimes I don't even know what the problem is. But I never give up. That in itself keeps me from despair.

I am not sure what the answer is for anyone else, but even though I was helped by the mental health system in many ways, I have to dig down deep and face the toughest thing I can face, my own shadows and my own self.

This is what a t has done for me but only when I was really open to change.

[wolfgaze]

Hey Stronger....

I had battled with depression, anxious thoughts, anhedonia, feelings of low self-worth, and a bleak outlook of 'life' for a significant portion of my life. I wish there was something I could tell you that would immediately make you feel better but all I can do is share my experience with you. What I found was that I reached a point where it felt like I had bottomed out. That I just could not continue thinking and feeling the way I had become accustomed to for so long. That I had finally reached the point where I had ENOUGH and couldn't continue down this path any longer. Call it a 'breaking point' - but what happened is that I slowly and gradually began to change. I started to let go of emotional energy (forming 'blockages') that I had carried with me for so long. I started to abandon old ways of thinking & perceiving that were not constructive and were not helping me. I was 'letting go'. What followed during this period of my life were several years of very significant internal 'changes' and growth. Yes there were some ups & downs, some challenging periods, but ultimately all of it was part of a 'awakening' and a purification process that I endured through. I can't go into all of the details right now but it was the most profound experience and the end result was that I shed my former sense of 'self and am now experiencing a completely new state of being that I never would have imagined was possible. One that is free (liberated) from mental suffering. It's important for me to note that this transformative experience was driven internally, it was not brought about by manipulating my external circumstances as it relates to my life 'situation' (job, living location, relationships, etc).

What I can say about this in hindsight is that I realize I had to go through the experience of emptying myself and feeling like I had hit 'rock bottom' before I was finally ready and in a position to rebuild myself into something completely different - a new 'self' experiencing a completely new state of being. I strongly feel it was necessary for me to go through the heartache, the difficulty, and the challenges that I went through - because it was those experiences that brought me to where I am today. I no longer look back on my 'past' with any sense of regret, but with acceptance and the awareness that it was serving a higher purpose. When I reference 'rock bottom' above and mentioned about hitting one's 'breaking point' - I feel the circumstances are quite synonymous with what we associate with addiction/addicts and the process that they sometimes go through. The experience of reaching your lowest point before you are ready to begin to perceive clearly and feel the inspiration and intuition that's required to lift yourself up and re-build yourself into something new'. This may also be sometimes referred to as a person experiencing the 'dark night of the soul'.

I don't want to ramble here but I just wanted to share my story & experiences with you in hopes that it will provide a subtle sense of comfort & assurance that there are many others out who relate to what you're describing going through and who have walked in your shoes - and most importantly to convey to you that you absolutely can work your way through this challenging period of your life and come out of this experiencing a state of being that you never thought was achievable. Hang in there - continue to stay strong and set the intention that you're going to push yourself forward and work on refining/improving yourself at all costs. Try not to think of 'big steps' and 'big results' - it's the little steps and incremental changes that make all the difference. They add up and before your realize it - you look back and suddenly realize that you've made significant progress. The changes and growth begins to snowball and then you carry incredible momentum with you as you purify yourself and say goodbye and party ways with your former way of being.

If you're in need of someone you can share your thoughts & feelings with - you are welcome to message me.

I noticed in your profile that you listed playing the cello as one of your interests. Here is a collection of Vivaldi's Cello Concertos which I really enjoy and have found to promote relaxation and to help calm your physical mind and promote balance:

Vivaldi Cello Concertos

[Stronger]

Originally Posted by wolfgaze

Hey Stronger....

I had battled with depression, anxious thoughts, anhedonia, feelings of low self-worth, and a bleak outlook of 'life' for a significant portion of my life. I wish there was something I could tell you that would immediately make you feel better but all I can do is share my experience with you. What I found was that I reached a point where it felt like I had bottomed out. That I just could not continue thinking and feeling the way I had become accustomed to for so long. That I had finally reached the point where I had ENOUGH and couldn't continue down this path any longer. Call it a 'breaking point' - but what happened is that I slowly and gradually began to change. I started to let go of emotional energy (forming 'blockages') that I had carried with me for so long. I started to abandon old ways of thinking & perceiving that were not constructive and were not helping me. I was 'letting go'. What followed during this period of my life were several years of very significant internal 'changes' and growth. Yes there were some ups & downs, some challenging periods, but ultimately all of it was part of a 'awakening' and a purification process that I endured through. I can't go into all of the details right now but it was the most profound experience and the end result was that I shed my former sense of 'self and am now experiencing a completely new state of being that I never would have imagined was possible. One that is free (liberated) from mental suffering. It's important for me to note that this transformative experience was driven internally, it was not brought about by manipulating my external circumstances as it relates to my life 'situation' (job, living location, relationships, etc).

What I can say about this in hindsight is that I realize I had to go through the experience of emptying myself and feeling like I had hit 'rock bottom' before I was finally ready and in a position to rebuild myself into something completely different - a new 'self' experiencing a completely new state of being. I strongly feel it was necessary for me to go through the heartache, the difficulty, and the challenges that I went through - because it was those experiences that brought me to where I am today. I no longer look back on my 'past' with any sense of regret, but with acceptance and the awareness that it was serving a higher purpose. When I reference 'rock bottom' above and mentioned about hitting one's 'breaking point' - I feel the circumstances are quite synonymous with what we associate with addiction/addicts and the process that they sometimes go through. The experience of reaching your lowest point before you are ready to begin to perceive clearly and feel the inspiration and intuition that's required to lift yourself up and re-build yourself into something new'. This may also be sometimes referred to as a person experiencing the 'dark night of the soul'.

I don't want to ramble here but I just wanted to share my story & experiences with you in hopes that it will provide a subtle sense of comfort & assurance that there are many others out who relate to what you're describing going through and who have walked in your shoes - and most importantly to convey to you that you absolutely can work your way through this challenging period of your life and come out of this experiencing a state of being that you never thought was achievable. Hang in there - continue to stay strong and set the intention that you're going to push yourself forward and work on refining/improving yourself at all costs. Try not to think of 'big steps' and 'big results' - it's the little steps and incremental changes that make all the difference. They add up and before your realize it - you look back and suddenly realize that you've made significant progress. The changes and growth begins to snowball and then you carry incredible momentum with you as you purify yourself and say goodbye and party ways with your former way of being.

If you're in need of someone you can share your thoughts & feelings with - you are welcome to message me.

I noticed in your profile that you listed playing the cello as one of your interests. Here is a collection of Vivaldi's Cello Concertos which I really enjoy and have found to promote relaxation and to help calm your physical mind and promote balance:

Vivaldi Cello Concertos

Thank you, friend. I really appreciate the thought and time that you put into your reply. It meant a lot to me that you took the time to write this.
I know that perseverance is the key to success, in fact that was my senior yearbook quote: "The habit of perseverance is the habit of victory". But sometimes in the middle of it all you just feel stuck. And the stickiness is really what kills.
I just hope and pray that one day things will be different.

[Fuzzybear]

[waterknob1234]

Sometimes we hate to ask for help when we need it most.