Very upset...need urgent help

Hello, most of you wont know me on here as I don't normally post on here

I have struggled with continuous suicidal thoughts for a long time....for about 4 years....the only reason i haven't gone fully though with it is because of my faith but now i am struggling to hold on....i guess i just need someone to tell and talk to, i dont have anyone in real life

recently a friend of my who i also considered my mother left me, i don't even know why and she will not speak to me anymore.... my own mother was emotionally abusive and at time physically abusive....i wanted a mother so much (note im quite young)....i considered this friend my mother and she considered me her Daughter but now she does not want to talk to me ever again ....
i am so upset ive been continuously crying for days...which is not like me at all


I have selective mutism...so i cant struggle to talk to people in real life....i dont have any close freinds who i can talk to about how i feel....

i am at my wits ends....... i dont really have any friends or family, i am all alone....okay o have a family but they are abusive towards me

i cant seem to make any friends so i always alone, i dont like other people very much either....i was always bullied....im probably afraid of other people....i got exams this week which i will fail

i dont know what to do anymore.....i hhave lost my closest friend whom i also considered as my mother.....so it was like i lost my mother.....and i am devastated

Do you have any idea why this person won't talk to you?

Can you contact her and find out what the issue is and try to resolve it? There has to be a reason.

Do you see a psychologist or counselor that you could talk to, if not I think it would be very beneficial for you. Not only to help you sort through things but to have someone to talk to in your life and help guide you is so important when we feel so alone. We all need help in one way or another and when we don't have people in our lives we feel safe to talk to a good counselor is in invaluable. Hang in there, it will get better day by day. You can do this!

She won't really tell me, she just said 'i was displaying stalking traits' AND that i need to back off.....what I cant seem to understand why she would say that when I haven't actually done anything

I have tried but she won't respond and I am worried if I do contact her once more she will do me in for 'stalking' even though I have no such thing

I find it very difficult to talk about myself (very very difficult) and not only that I can't afford it
i could get free counselling through the GP but my parents would know and wouldn't be too happy about that

Ok, so I am going to try to say this gently, because I mean it to be supportive and to try and help shed some light on how your friend may possibly be feeling, ok?

If your friend says that she felt you were demonstrating some stalking behaviour, it might mean that you were becoming too dependent upon her. It's a big burden to find out that you're the only support someone has, and that they have major transference towards you. Your friend can't be your mother, and she likely got overwhelmed by how intensely you tried to force that role on her. (again, you and she will likely have differences on opinions in regards to this).

Perhaps you don't view yourself as having done anything, but it's clear that she feels you have. I know it feels and seems like she's done this abruptly, but there's also a chance that she's been trying to separate from you and has failed at establishing a healthy relationship/boundary with you. There may have been signs of this that you missed, because you were pushing so hard to make her into something that she can't be.

I'm sorry, I know that that is probably really hard to hear. And again - I don't know her, or you, or what really has gone on within your relationship. So I may be totally wrong, but it at least warrants consideration.

If you are young enough for your parents to still have control over your medical situations, then that means you are still a student (plus you mentioned exams). There should be a school counsellor that you can talk to?

Reaching out like you have here is a great step, and takes a lot of courage! You can form friendships online; some of my closest and longest-running friendships are online ones!

I have tried thinking about it from her position, i never thought of it like that as in that i was becoming to dependant on her, thank you

But she said she considered me as her daughter and told me that she loves me, i didn't force her....i would say she was encouraging it, she gave me access to her facebook, she gave me her number and email so i dont understand why all of a sudden....note: she was an online friend almost three times my age....and if i was to take a guess i would say she has DID so i thinking i should wait for her to come round and befriend me again which in itself may be silly

Thank you for your message, i really appreciate it, it allowed me to see it from a different perspective and made me calm down, maybe she does feel as you say she might be feeling

yes i am a student (university)...they do have a counselling service but it is only for a short period of time and i find it very difficult to talk so if i actually went i wouldnt say a word

I generally dont trust other people, they always stab me in the back by saying that im weird or claim that ive done something wrong when i really haven't....i think i just dont understand the concept of friendship

Hi Toaster123. I am sorry you are experiencing so much hurt and pain. Losing a close friend is very hard. But perhaps it is harder if you have experienced past abuse. All of the above recommendations are good. Seeing a school counselor would be something good to do. I would recommend that if you are very shy or not good at talking and discussing things you could write down a list of problems to go over with the counselor.
Sometimes it is just easier to write out our thoughts and feelings than it is to talk about them.

I wish you the best.

I forget on how university age works in the UK. Are you 18? If you're 18 then your parents have no right to access your medical information and you would be able to go to your GP for assistance without fear of them interferring (they could only do that if you signed a waiver consenting to allowing them access).

I'm sorry that your friend led you on like this. She probably underestimated how deeply you would respond to that sentiment. Maybe she doesn't understand how a healthy relationship should work either.

Regardless - it is NOT your fault. It takes two to tango and she made mistakes in this relationship.

Friendships are hard when you don't have a safe history to rely upon to help guide you.

I'd give the university counsellling a shot anyway. You could always bring in a letter the first time describing your challenges so that they could know what you're needing help with even if you freeze up and can't talk at all the first time. If nothing else, you can use it as practice each time to see what you can push yourself to do.