My brief synopsis

I have struggled with depression for...well, I cannot remember there not being a time

I come from a background where mental illness of any kind and expression of feelings in men is anathema so, in the words of a drill sergeant, I sucked it up and carried on

I am smart. Most of my friends have said this - without sounding too conceited I have at least some knowledge on just about any topic and have dived into jobs like near supreme court motions, condo management and IT with little or no training

Sounds like I am one of those successful but unsure types, right? I wish! I have been a failure at every thing I do. My depression eventually manifests in a "I have to get out of here" feeling that has me walk away from good situations.

I have no permanent job, no permanent residence, no permanent relationships of any stability

And, last year, I was involved in the permanent commitment of my mother to care (dementia, coping issues), the loss of a friend of some 20+ years (one of the few who I kept for more than 5-6 years) to cancer and more. And, weirdly, the loss of my personal demons. The inner voices that made me walk away in the past have gone silent. I am not happy for this - they at least gave me some drive. It is like even my own demons have given up on me.

The urge to purge (throw away possessions), another common effect of my depression, is surging. I find it hard not to throw away clothing in the laundry bag or get rid of my second plate!

Previous Christmas (2013) I considered and planned out a suicide. It was ready to go when a friend called me and asked if I wanted to see a movie. I almost cried. Someone wants to be associated with me!

Every time I talk to someone I cannot say much because it, more and more, sounds like I am a complete sad sack. I am almost 50 and have never had anything resembling a relationship, no career, no ... nothing

If I believed in karma, maybe I was awful in a previous life. Based on the shite raining down on me and the joke of giving me a great brain but no focus, I was someone truly horrible

you dont say whether you have ever sought help for your depression. i was in a black hole my entire life. it sucked. i semi sought care, tried a few meds but not very long. then life came crashing down totally and completely. i knew for certain i was going to be dead. i was hospitalized against my will. it was now or never. the pieces fell in place. the right therapist, the right antidepressant and that magic wand i dreamed of all those years finally hit me over the head and light shined down into that deep dark hole i was sitting in the bottom of and i was able to crawl my way out of it. my life has done a complete 180 since that time. so if you want things to be different, dont give up the fight. things can get better. just reach out for help.

Hi JohnCrow,

Speaking as an anonymous guy on the internet, I think that the best plan for dealing with depression is 1. check for medical/nutritional issues, 2. try all non-drug ways to make it better, especially ones that are healthy for you anyway, 3. go to a professional if everything in 1. and 2. fails. You can find some details in post #74 in this thread

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

You might want to try "SNAP CLUB" described in the thread because it's so easy and it usually works really quickly, and at least sometimes, very dramatically.

- vital

I have tried several times to explain to my regular doctor about my depression and I got the usual "get some more exercise, eat well, get plenty of sleep"

I was diagnosed when I volunteered for experimental treatment from a VERY reputable institution (Centre for Addiction and Mental Health). Which was the second time in my life I did so.

Bypassing a GP MD is close to impossible unless I got emergency. And when I am focussed enough to go, I am usually not too bad. And, to top it off, I am working right now. I cannot afford a day off (no go in no get paid)

Also, I cannot afford any medicine. I am slowly going blind from glaucoma (I said I was a sad sack) and cannot afford the medicine for that either. Contrary to what Americans may think, medical care is absolutely not free here. And medication sure as hell is not

And, let's be honest, why divert resources from people who need immediate care (when I went to the hospital a few years back after a bike accident I got lost in process because I felt it was better for the guy turning blue to go first. Then I had the nurse chew me out for not saying something).

I am not suicidal. I just keep hoping for cancer or a good solid stroke to finish me off. I honestly am out of ideas, time, motivation and options. In 3 months I will be homeless too and, without a job, I cannot get an apartment in this city (Toronto) unless it is truly frightening.

One of the clinical tests I was in used paxil. The side effects were horrific. The more recent 2011 test I never knew what they used but it was worse than paxil (and different effects so I think I can rule out nocebo)

Getting to a psychiatrist is impossible without a GP and mine is on sabbatical and, as I said earlier, he steadfastly refuses to accept me being depressed ("well, you are out of work - it's normal to feel blue")

Venting helps a bit. But, like a steam engine with a major flaw something's gotta give

I cannot handle much social stress so I withdraw. Others interpret my isolation as not being interested in them or snobbishness (I had both said to my face)

And, after a while people don't want to be around me. And I cannot blame them; who needs insidious drama?

I am not a nice person deep down; I am petty, judgmental, envious and always angry. This doesn't mean I have not always been the first person to volunteer when someone needed help but another one time friend said I gave off a 'creepy' vibe

If you met me, you would likely say, like someone I met, I am a glacier. I suppress all my feelings, as I have all my life, and driven them down so far the only ones I have are the overwhelming ones. For normal interaction I have built up an intellectual approximation of emotion. But, it is never spontaneous and, combined with shyness, well...

The more I write the more I realize how pathetic I have become. I think I will stop now, because I can feel a head of steam building up