[Belutti]

Hello.

I won't keep y'all here for long, I'll just get right to the point: I've been diagnosed by two different MHPs with Depression (almost a year ago, but my symptoms date from 2013) and Anxiety Disorder, and am currently undergoing treatment with escitalopram 10mg, topiramate 25mg and alprazolam 2mg. I have taken before (under my psychiatrist's orders, always) clonazepam and sertraline, but they were replaced by escitalopram and alprazolam. I'm also undergoing psychotherapy for almost a year twice a month (can't do it more often).

I feel like some things got better, but some got worse. I am slightly more able to socially function but those relations are fluid. Not in a Bauman-ish way of saying, but I'm growing unattached day by day. I have close friends and a romantic interest and I hold on to them, but as days go by, I keep losing my interest on them.

Such as Amy Lee from Evanescence sings in "Lithium", I think "I want to stay in love with my sorrow." I could significantly fight depression with my 'addiction' (http://forums.psychcentral.com/addic...ion-study.html), but as I have noticed, it does not get me enough effect. It does not matter what I do: I might laugh, I might be having a good time talking with someone or even doing some other activity but it is always like there is this shadow (not literal, thank God. I'm in no mood for an exorcism) waiting to take it all away from me and it always does. And at some point, it becomes my sole companion.

You guys can possibly understand it is not unlike Stockholm's Syndrome. I am a hostage of depression, I cannot do anything against it, it tortures me, in order to protect myself, I end up growing empathy and affection for it, getting in love with my own sorrow. It's possible that some of you may think that I am depressed because I want to since I know all this. But it's different. When one's disease plays with one's emotions, sometimes reason is not enough. It is like I have lost something, this sentiment and I am looking for it up to this moment so that I can rebuild myself but I don't know where to look for, where I am, who is on my side, what it looks like now, what it will look like tomorrow. It's pure despair, to put it very lightly. Ironically, knowing all this too deeply, I can relate to people who have problems and help them effectively, though I cannot help myself at all.

I appreciate you taking the time to read this.

[Crazy Hitch]

It's a real challenge to gain perspective when we are depressed or going through an episode.

We question who we are, what our meaning in life is, who our true friends are and a whole myriad of things. It can become a consuming black hole.

Sounds like you have a good support system in place. A pdoc, some meds and a therapist.
I don't think anyone wants to be depressed. it's awful.

We're here to listen.

I hope you can begin to find your path to peace.

[Altered Moment]

Yes depression can cause all kinds of confusion and questioning of things. It is a normal symptom to feel detached and less connected to people. Many people have existential questions, like what is the meaning of it all, what is the purpose of life.

I don't buy being addicted to depression. We can certainly get comfortable with it. For example I can be comfortable in it and even be content because I have been in so many of them. They are familiar. I am not always depressed and I know the difference very well. I would much rather not be depressed. Sometimes nothing works and we have to ride it out and learn how to manage it and deal with it. Don't ever give up on treatment though. You never know what is around the corner. Things always change.

Nirvana did the song "Lithium" originally. It did not turn out good for Kurt Cobain. Lots of drugs were involved I believe. Tortured soul. We don't want that to happen. Keep trying.

[Belutti]

To be quite honest, I'm getting the most confused right now, as if my own personality were breaking. As if I did not know who I am anymore. I'm trying to find ways to deal with this, nothing too bad, I'm not resorting to illegal drugs or drinking or smoking, I am not even interested in those.

I don't know if I can say this here, but I'm starting to think I might have been misdiagnosed. Yes, I am feeling all that. But something has also grown inside me. A kind of need. It's strong. It's like I want to kill. Not animals. People. I find this idea repulsive, but it keeps coming back to my mind endlessly. I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid I might be on the verge of a psychotic break if I'm right about being misdiagnosed, and a trigger might have been graduating from High School. I don't know if I was prepared to leave.

This just gets me more and more lost about what on Earth is going on with me. Hope is being lost every day independently, but there always is. But this feeling of basically knowing nothing given all that I've been thinking about is worse. How can I hope to treat when I don't know what I am dealing with?

Thank you. I am sorry about something I might have said, I vented a little.

[tz90]

Sorry to hear about that. It could still be depression. It decreases quality of life, and make life seem boring and not worth living. For example, sometimes I get really frustrated and feel the urge to throw my chairs, my computer, anything and myself out of my window, because I get fed up with all my troubles. It always stays like that, just a strong impulsive urge that I don't give in.
I hope you don't give in as well.

[Belutti]

Hello. I'm here to give y'all a heads up on how I have been (I'm not even sure I can post even after 5 days or so, but I haven't found anything on the guidelines).

These last few days have been very controversial: I have been exhausted. Sometimes I did not even want to get out of bed. I'm getting a little paranoid with opinions, as in I enter a debate with someone because they don't agree with me very easily and it can get out of hand. Not on my part, though, I'm a calm person but it seems like I'm making people angry.

I've forgotten to take my medication a couple of times, my sleep is messed up, but rather ironically I see an opportunity to get better. Just like addicts sometimes have to hit bottom before they can get better, I think maybe that is what is helping me see a way out: because I think I am hitting bottom, and hell, it sucks.

Thank you all again very much.