[Quiddie]

Hi.

This is my first post here. I'm Quiddie, I'm 32, and I've been depressed as long as I can remember. I first realized what it was when I was 15. Before that, it's not like you could google it on the internet. 15 was when I first had open access to getting online and researching things because, to be honest, I knew there was something abnormal about wishing I was dead even if it was all I wanted.

I've tried therapy, medication, self-help. None of it worked for long. I hate my life, job, family. My parents smother me and treat me like a child. I've joked that I should change my name to Rapunzel because if they could have locked me up in a tower to keep me away from the world, they would have. They pretty much did when I was young (quoting my mom: "we didn't let you get involved in things because we didn't want to chase after you and have to get you to things. Your brother was enough trouble."). My job has stressed me out and pushed me to the brink enough at this point that I'm kind of convinced it's making me physically ill, yet I can't quit because I live paycheck to paycheck and I can't find anything else not for a lack of trying. Many of my friends have given up on me, including my best friend of 17 years. I've tried to make more, but I tend to be a rather invisible being. No one notices me really, or they forget I exist fairly quickly. I've worked a huge weekend long charity event for 9 years with roughly all the same people and most of them don't even remember my name year to year. Just "I think I've seen you before". Guys don't notice me either. I'm 32 and never had a date, let alone an actual relationship.

I hate myself. I'm ugly, I'm fat, I'm stupid. I could go on. About 2 years ago I lost 135 lbs thinking maybe that would help things. It didn't, and I've since gained almost all of it back because the only relief I get is from shoving mass quantities of food in my mouth. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I honestly don't know what it is to not feel like this. Don't get me wrong, I have good moments. But there is always this lingering black cloud hovering nearby.

Anyway, hopefully I'll see you guys around. Sorry to be such a downer.

[kaliope]

i dont know if this is how you feel, but what i get from you post is wanting to identify because i know what it is like to feel like i dont really exist in this world. guys never pay attention to me, im never noticed, it shocks me when someone remembers my name. ive wanted to die since i was five. ive made a nice life for my self not existing though. i work behind the scenes. i do good things. i help others. it makes me feel good. i dont feel the need to be recognized. im ok with not connecting anymore. im ok alone. ive made peace with it. find something that makes you happy. people cant take that away from you. not everything ive discovered.

posting here is a good step forward.

welcome to PC- i hope that you can find what it is you're looking for

I say welcome to psychcentral as well, and agree with the above. We keep our head above water, this place has been a great source of support for me, I hope you find it is too.

[gayleggg]

I hope PC helps you as much as it has me. I've been in therapy and tried just about every medication on the market only to be helped for short periods of time. Since I've been on PC I don't feel as lonely or helpless. I hope you have a similar experience.

[macy666]

You're beautiful no matter what anyone who says otherwise can go ***** themselves, you sound like a good person trapped in a depression shell, don't worry okay? Itll be okay

[Turtlesoup]

Welcome Quiddie I have found so much support here & hope you will too. Perhaps you could get a referral for a tdoc that could see you both individually & include your family as well at times. I get how difficult it is to grow as a person if your family is not supportive in a healthy way. Take care & keep posting.

[Quiddie]

Thank you all for your replies.

My family won't go to therapy. We tried that. They don't see anything wrong. Which baffles just about everyone else I know that they don't. If I could afford it, I'd go on my own, but my budget is strapped to the max right now and my insurance is ... well don't get me started on healthcare in the US right now.

I'm just trying to stay floating, but I find very little to stay floating for anymore.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Quiddie

Thank you all for your replies.

My family won't go to therapy. We tried that. They don't see anything wrong. Which baffles just about everyone else I know that they don't. If I could afford it, I'd go on my own, but my budget is strapped to the max right now and my insurance is ... well don't get me started on healthcare in the US right now.

I'm just trying to stay floating, but I find very little to stay floating for anymore.

Hi Quiddie,

Have a look at post #74 in this thread

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

and see if you get some ideas. There are lots of things to try to help depression and many of these are great for your health anyway. I think that even the process of actively trying things to improve helps in itself.

- vital

[Fuzzybear]

[Sirensong18]

Welcome! I'm new too. I feel you on the weight loss and gain issue - I manged to lose 75 lbs over the course of about 3/4 years, but now I've gained back 20 of them. I felt like the same fat person even when I was at the skinniest I'd ever been. I think it's a matter of changing your perspective on how you see yourself. If you want to lose weight, do it, but do it for yourself and not any guy or to change what other people think of you. Ultimately, it's all what you think about yourself that counts. Also, if I ever learn to take my own advice, I'll let you know.

Anyway, just trying to throw out some support and let you know you aren't alone. I hope we're both able to find more help and support here.