[einsam]

Last week I met with a campus counselor about feeling out of place in my field of study, as there are next to no women and very few of them are serious about it, anyway. I stay after to catch up on the hands-on work that I have very little experience. My lab partner doesn’t show any curiosity during class, texts while we’re working, and bolts at the end despite being inexperienced. The usual. The counselor recommended me to two women in that field on campus to reach out to or as potential mentors, and we agreed that e-mail was the best way to get in touch.

I sent out e-mails Monday... and now on Friday evening there's no response. Just a simple hello, a reminder of who I was, who introduced us, and why I was contacting them. Asking for their opinion on a related topic and thanking them for their time.

So, reaching out to the campus counselor and trying to put a stop to the loneliness and fear that's damaging my ability to study did nothing at all but remind me just how alone I am. I'm too embarrassed to go back to the school counselor and say that neither of them responded, putting the problem on her again and drawing attention to how messed-up I am. She was nice, but didn't really understand what I was upset about the first time. I already feel utterly alone and rejected by other women in this field, and I don’t want her to see that the two she recommended me to – one I was actually introduced to – didn't want a thing to do with me, just like the rest of the world.

Other people are born charismatic social geniuses, and here’s one more thing I have to face alone because I can’t even make friends. I don’t know what I did to deserve this in childhood, but it must have been pretty awful when even the people bullying 13-year-old girls online and ex-convicts have support. Guess that makes me the scum of the Earth in the eyes of those who believe in a just world.

[Frankbtl]

Hi einsam, I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and unsupported
But I do have to say good on you for having reached out to your counselor and having tried reaching out to these two other women. The fact that you didn't get any responses back seriously doesn't have to be about you........when there's the real liklihood that it's down to these women personally and/or a poor choice on the counselor's part.
Maybe the women had a lot going on with their work, maybe they were reluctant to answer an e-mail for someone they didn't "know", maybe they didn't realise how important it was to you, maybe they just weren't really that "helpful/supportive" types.................Although you could try another e-mail, as another reminder (and to "stand out" to them!!)...............
And the counselor, well maybe they hadn't checked how fully these women were free to help at that particular time, or maybe they just made a wrong choice in women for you to contact. Counselors aren't going to be flawless, just the same as no-one is flawless, so nothing at all wrong with going back to her and telling her that her advise hasn't worked, her advise may very well not have worked not because of you, but because of the advise itself.
And she is there to help be supportive, so it's not about "putting stuff on her" and if she doesn't quite understand then give her a bit more of a push to understand, hey??
But if it comes to it and there are no other women in your field available........for the loneliness factor maybe you could try some women outside of your field........they may not "get" the field you're in but they may fill other gaps, and there may be similar "challenges" they face, whereas you could support each other??? Maybe casually chat to people on campus, at the library, where you're eating...........just to kick off something for starters.......???
And there have to be more people on campus like you, who struggle to make friends, who feel the same way as you........perhaps you could reach out to some of them.......to help them as much as they may be able to help you.
And alongside that, talk to your tutor (??) about the problems with your lab partner, hey?? Maybe they can give them more of a push or if needed find someone more "diligent/appropriate".
Anyway, just some thoughts...........

Alison

[baseline]

Einsum, First I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. You sound like a very intelligent and sensitive person. Could it be that they have not actually received you e-mail. Perhaps you could try reaching out agin and explain why you were contacting them and that it would be grately appreciated if you could have a response either way. As for the campus counselor it is their job to help students. You really should let them know how you feel and maybe she/he could make some other suggestion! Go easy on yourself honey not everyone you meet will be empathetic. Keep you head up and put you first! I wish you much happiness and success!!!

[magicalprince]

Aww, I wouldn't shun you. not everyone is superficial. I know it feels like that a lot of the time though.

[einsam]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi einsam, I'm sorry you're feeling so isolated and unsupported
But I do have to say good on you for having reached out to your counselor and having tried reaching out to these two other women. The fact that you didn't get any responses back seriously doesn't have to be about you........when there's the real liklihood that it's down to these women personally and/or a poor choice on the counselor's part.
Maybe the women had a lot going on with their work, maybe they were reluctant to answer an e-mail for someone they didn't "know", maybe they didn't realise how important it was to you, maybe they just weren't really that "helpful/supportive" types.................Although you could try another e-mail, as another reminder (and to "stand out" to them!!)...............
And the counselor, well maybe they hadn't checked how fully these women were free to help at that particular time, or maybe they just made a wrong choice in women for you to contact. Counselors aren't going to be flawless, just the same as no-one is flawless, so nothing at all wrong with going back to her and telling her that her advise hasn't worked, her advise may very well not have worked not because of you, but because of the advise itself.
And she is there to help be supportive, so it's not about "putting stuff on her" and if she doesn't quite understand then give her a bit more of a push to understand, hey??
But if it comes to it and there are no other women in your field available........for the loneliness factor maybe you could try some women outside of your field........they may not "get" the field you're in but they may fill other gaps, and there may be similar "challenges" they face, whereas you could support each other??? Maybe casually chat to people on campus, at the library, where you're eating...........just to kick off something for starters.......???
And there have to be more people on campus like you, who struggle to make friends, who feel the same way as you........perhaps you could reach out to some of them.......to help them as much as they may be able to help you.
And alongside that, talk to your tutor (??) about the problems with your lab partner, hey?? Maybe they can give them more of a push or if needed find someone more "diligent/appropriate".
Anyway, just some thoughts...........

Alison

Thanks for your response. When it's a regular reaction from people, it's hard to feel that it's not about me. I try to keep reaching out, but there's only so much I can take before it starts to affect my ability to focus on reading and my motivation to cook anything healthier than a pizza. Maybe I'm too sensitive, but that's how it is.

At someone else's encouragement, I've decided I might drop in during their office hours and ask if they received my e-mail to see how they respond. That would at least answer whether it was genuinely lost or ignored, depending on how they react. When it comes down to it, though, I'm looking for a mentor or someone to help guide me and not simply to have questions answered. I wouldn't be comfortable with them if they see me as someone undeserving of time and attention. I was personally introduced to one of them by the counselor, and she herself said that I was welcome to send an e-mail with any questions. They might be busy, which is understandable, but a simple response would be nice. I'll get the hint either way, I suppose.

I have mixed feelings about my lab partner. Neither of us are very experienced with the hands-on work, but she tends to seem lost so I try to be understanding. Our instructor initially wanted to pair beginning students with more advanced students, but that's not how we paired off and we said we were comfortable working together. I can figure things out quickly and am more open to asking for help. She doesn't seem to care much about the subject, but she might also have absolutely no prior experience. I haven't asked.

Originally Posted by baseline

Einsum, First I'm sorry you are feeling so lonely. You sound like a very intelligent and sensitive person. Could it be that they have not actually received you e-mail. Perhaps you could try reaching out agin and explain why you were contacting them and that it would be grately appreciated if you could have a response either way. As for the campus counselor it is their job to help students. You really should let them know how you feel and maybe she/he could make some other suggestion! Go easy on yourself honey not everyone you meet will be empathetic. Keep you head up and put you first! I wish you much happiness and success!!!

Thanks a bunch for the warm thoughts. It's definitely possible that they just didn't get my e-mail, but I'm usually right to listen to my gut...

I made sure to explain in my first e-mail where I'd gotten their contact information from and why I was contacting them. I tried to be clear so I wouldn't waste their time with something they couldn't understand, anyway.

Originally Posted by magicalprince

Aww, I wouldn't shun you. not everyone is superficial. I know it feels like that a lot of the time though.

Sure does... but I guess that's life. My classmates are friendlier than most people, but I'm still trying to make a difference with that.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

It cannot hurt to email again - apologise for persisting, but you would really appreciate some help, promise you won't impose too much on their time, if they are busy perhaps they could suggest another person(s), they can only say no and you will be no worse then before.

Counsellors are paid to help people surmount difficulties so I would not be shy about going back to her. She might even be able to intercede on your behalf.

If there a professional body that covers your work, a society of engineers or something - they might have a mentoring service for new entrants?

[vital]

Originally Posted by einsam

Last week I met with a campus counselor about feeling out of place in my field of study, as there are next to no women and very few of them are serious about it, anyway. I stay after to catch up on the hands-on work that I have very little experience. My lab partner doesn’t show any curiosity during class, texts while we’re working, and bolts at the end despite being inexperienced. The usual. The counselor recommended me to two women in that field on campus to reach out to or as potential mentors, and we agreed that e-mail was the best way to get in touch.

I sent out e-mails Monday... and now on Friday evening there's no response. Just a simple hello, a reminder of who I was, who introduced us, and why I was contacting them. Asking for their opinion on a related topic and thanking them for their time.

So, reaching out to the campus counselor and trying to put a stop to the loneliness and fear that's damaging my ability to study did nothing at all but remind me just how alone I am. I'm too embarrassed to go back to the school counselor and say that neither of them responded, putting the problem on her again and drawing attention to how messed-up I am. She was nice, but didn't really understand what I was upset about the first time. I already feel utterly alone and rejected by other women in this field, and I don’t want her to see that the two she recommended me to – one I was actually introduced to – didn't want a thing to do with me, just like the rest of the world.

Other people are born charismatic social geniuses, and here’s one more thing I have to face alone because I can’t even make friends. I don’t know what I did to deserve this in childhood, but it must have been pretty awful when even the people bullying 13-year-old girls online and ex-convicts have support. Guess that makes me the scum of the Earth in the eyes of those who believe in a just world.

Dear einsam,

If your email was sent to both potential mentors, each may be waiting for the other to respond. Also, if they are faculty, they could be just not noticing it or might be ignoring your email just because they don't recognize your name. It's sometimes hard to keep up with email. If I were you, I would research potential mentors on-line and then just show up at their offices and ask in person. Also, if there are seminars or social events in your field, go to those.

I also think it might be helpful to think of your studying itself as a healthy and healing activity. If you get really really really interested and focused on what you are studying, I do think it is healing, and it will help to reinforce and clarify your interest and you may find that you have great questions to think about and great questions are also a good way to meet potential mentors.

I also recommend having a look at this plan for depression and see if you can make some tries for feeling better in parallel with your studies

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4162657-post74.html

I especially recommend a super-easy & fun one called "SNAP CLUB" as a way to get started and get at what I think is the core of the problem:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

- vital