Despondency

This nasty illness came into my life about a year ago and I haven't been the same since then. It has sucked the life out of me. It got better but it started to return in December. Now I'm losing hope again and don't see much hope for the future. I'm tired of hurting and struggling. My motivation is declining. Everything requires so much effort. Even little things like eating and bathing tire me. I just want to be alone and sleep. My body even hurts.

Mornings are brutal. I wake up and just want to cry.

My hobbies and interests used to distract me and lift my mood. I'm losing interest in them and have lost my protective thinking patterns. Yesterday I tried to force myself to work on my clock but I couldn't. I'm losing the ability to feel emotions and pleasure in anything. I've even lost my direction. University used to be so enjoyable and I was good at it. Now class feels like an enormous task that I cannot accomplish so I withdrew. Last semester my average dropped 30%.

Unfortunately I cannot justify why I feel so terrible. I just feel tired, hurt and stuck. I don't really understand this. I know my misdiagnosis and not knowing about autism spectrum disorder until two years ago has profoundly harmed me, but there has to be more. Do I need a reason to feel so awful?

I'm obsessed with death and feel like I am dying. I'm suffering to die. This is what my existence has become. Sometimes I even dream about it and watch others torture people. It is graphic. I have no idea why I dream that because I never witnessed anything like that or have PTSD.

I don't know what to do. I've always been able to recover from my struggles. Knowing that doesn't help. I'm not sure I can survive this. I feel so undeserving of help and guilty for I don't know what.

I don't know why I posted this. Most people ignore my threads. I'm not socially gifted at all so I guess that explains it. Maybe something good will come out of it.

That's a wonderful description of a terrible illness.
Depression itself is all the reason you need. That is, with or without other reasons this illness by itself is sufficient to account for how awful you (we) feel.Sadly, I also find this true. For me depression undermines the success-encourages-success dynamic.It is entirely possible. May your posting bring you good despite your not knowing why.

Didgee, your post reminded me of my first depressive episode. I was 25 years old. Besides the awful emotional pain and suddenly increased social anxiety, it was terrifying to find myself unable to get out of bed on time in the mornings and to find that the way my mind usually worked had changed in so many ways.

I don't think you said, but I hope you are seeing a therapist and taking meds.

Because this is the first time you've experienced this, I'm guessing you're having a hard time believing it's not going to be permanent. That's what happened with me. This forum may help you with that. The depression will get better. The stories of all the people who have ever been depressed will tell you that. Try to hang on to that.

It is so rare to find people who think depression is a good enough reason to feel awful. Almost all want a reason. One time a psychiatric resident wanted to know why I felt depressed. He kept asking because I couldn't give him an answer he liked. I got the impression he wanted me to tell him I broke up with a partner, lost a job or something like that. It should be okay to feel sad without reason.


I have a psychiatrist/therapist and loads of other support. I'm not on medication right now.


This is one of many periods of despondency that I have experienced in the last 20 years. My first depression was like that. The ones that followed were more manageable, but the last two have been brutal. They seem to be getting worse with age. Is this typical? In the past I used to be able to survive and carry on without much or any assistance probably because I had much more hope and less failures. Now, I can barely function.