I think I may have some serious psychological...

... and mental issues. This is my second post on psychcentral. See my previous post if interested.

it's gotten to the point where I considered maybe I'd be happy being homeless. No one in their right mind would think that.

I'm very very worried about my student loans. Unexpectedly my deferment didn't go through for this year even though I do have a year of deferment left. So I'm deliquent for two months now. I have no work ethic.

Every time I try to come off as friendly or extroverted in the work place I get negative reactions. I have no friends. Only one with whom I am in live with and he is with me.

I did not get the degree. I have shut down today and just took sleeping pills so I could go back to sleep.

I have no idea how to get a job, navigate through the workforce and work my way up. I've had about a year of regular ol retail and fast food experience.

I'm a mess up. Seriously.

I need to start asking for help.

I can so relate on the student loan worry. My student loan debt is crushing me and I stay in school to keep my loans deferred which is a vicious cycle to be in. I honestly owe more than I do for my house, which is a debilitating thought. I hate doctoral school and want to quit but I don't have any means to make the loan payments. There really should be better options out there for people like us who honestly can't afford to make the payments.

I was relying on my math/ computer programming career since it makes bank and I don't like talking to people.

I hate talking to people. Like the mandatory hey how are you.

People say I'm pretty smart and sometimes funny. Depression does not care if I am any of that. I have an attractive cover but once my mouth opens people become uncomfortable with me. I will post pics if no one believes I am food looking.

I will start looking for jobs tomorrow. In the meantime I will pay my loans with my upcoming grant.

What also doesn't help is I don't have any outlets to ease the tension of life. Like a hobby or a support system. It's just school school school.

I am a social retard. Some people thinks it's charming which pisses me off because it's a disability. I wish I could just feel ok. Functional. I'm not looking for rainbows and candy and I don't want to be sad. I'm looking for that healthy medium that the rest of the population seems to achieve.

I guess I am kind of arrogant given the attention I have received from my math professors and a naturalist (rich, brilliant... rich).

People have called me crazy before.

I have the biggest heart though. Am a woman of courage and bravery. I've been helping people all my life. I dare not hurt a strangers feelings in everyday interaction. Most of the stuff I bought with my student loan money I gave away to a charity. I sold them for prices extremely low out of the desire to make someone's day.

Thank you for reading.