[UCLAFan]

My best friend thinks i should not date untill i get my depression under control. Is she right? I'm not dating as of right now. But i'm kind of tired at times being alone. I realize having a man in my life might not make me any happier and might bring more problems.But at times i don't want to be with anybody. To many hurts from the past.So i have problems at times who to trust and who not to.But at times i think why do i always have to be alone.My best friend thinks if i date a guy soon that i will take stuff out on him.But my relationship with my best friend is strained and she keeps giving me advice i never asked for. Plus we live 2 different lives etc.So i easily get mad at her. So she thinks i will do the same thing to anyone i date.Plus she lectures me and should at times take her own advice about stuff. She is no expert on relationships.

friends are sometimes like that.. its a people thing
we all at some stage think we know best
the only time we really do is when we talk about ourselves cos we know how we feel we know what we are thinking
use that.. go by what ur heart says..

try it if it dont work out dont give up.. the thing is to find the person thats gonna be supportive and try to understand you
cos ur gonna try and understand them

u know whats best for u..follow ur own advice

[desperado]

Hey there UCLA,

I ask myself the same question. I believe that you cannot (fully) love someone else until you love yourself. I think one needs to start from w/i. Very easy to say; difficult to do.

Concentrate on yourself: nurture yourself, focus on small little goals to take stepping stones to your bigger ones. I find that the best things in life happen when we aren't even looking, or expecting them.

PM me if you need to chat, ok? I know what lonliness feels like...................

Des

[Direction]

How serious does dating mean to you? If it is just going out to have fun and get to know someone...could be good practice for the future...

[Juliana]

Only you can know if you're ready for dating. Personally, I wish I had gotten out more and dated when I was depressed. I tend to isolate myself so much when I'm depressed and that just makes it worse. I spent way too much time alone.

I'm the sort of person that when I'm depressed, I still like myself. I have quite high self-esteem... all the time. I may hate my life when I'm depressed, and I may get angry with myself for not being able to pull myself out of the depression or do all the things I THINK I should do and I will get mad at myself for being a failure in that, but I still like myself a lot -- and I'm always rooting for ME. I guess I have a big ego. I always tell friends and family when I'm depressed that they should never worry about me being suicidal. I can get damn miserable and hopeless, but I always like myself WAY too much to have suicidal thoughts. I'm thankful for that.

So, I'm still mildly depressed right now and I'm interested in dating (I actually have a date Saturday night). I'm not looking for another person to make me happy (because I know that my depression is an internal thing). I just think it will do me good to get out and have some fun... and not fall into the trap of being anti-social and isolated... because that usually leads to my depression getting much, much worse. There's nothing wrong with wanting companionship. I've been very happy during times in my life when I was alone and I've been happy when in a relationship -- same goes for depression. Wanting companionship is not a sign of weakness. It's a natural, human thing... and I think it's a good sign when we actually want to reach out to another person. It means we have some hope for something new... and it means that we like ourselves enough to admit that we deserve to be loved despite our flaws. Just because I get depressed, it doesn't mean I don't deserve to have love in my life... and marriage and children... I deserve those things as much as anyone else and so do you.

That's just my perspective. Good luck to you with whatever you decide to do. You just need to follow you heart, IMO... know your limitations and be reasonable in your expectations. xoxox

[drunksunflower]

I see a lot of sense in what you say Juliana, and I also find some similarities to my own situation (again!)

I *know* I am good at my job, I *know* I'm reasonably smart, and I know I'm reasonably attractive. I have those things to fall back on. I cannot afford to let my d-thing show at work so I work really hard to try and hide it ...

I am sort of seeing an ex-bf who lives in a different city. We're up and down for work all the time between our jobs. Well - not ALL the time - but the most time that lapses is usually 2 weeks. That suits me just fine because I don't need to pretend all the time.

He suggested we travel together soon, maybe move to the UK (I am looking at another stint overseas). I don't think I could handle that though.

I hope you work out what is best for you UCLA

[sabby]

Hey UCLA,

I think you should do whatever you think you will feel comfortable doing. If getting out and dating is what you think you need and want to do, then go for it. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Keep it light, keep it fun. No need to rush into anything with anyone. It could be just what the doctor ordered to help you get through your depression and on the upside!

I hope you enjoy yourself soon, we all need something to look forward to in life!

Hugssss
J

[ouch]

I guess my depression was too severe to really date seriously - I isolated myself too much - I did date, but it failed miserably and I found it too much of an effort - but maybe that's just because he wasn't very supportive. I was suicidal, so maybe I was just too far gone... I don't know. But, I think you should date if you can. A good relationship could help I'm sure - so if you can avoid isolating, go for it!! it may be a better antidepressant than meds ( :

[drunksunflower]

I ruined a relationship at the end of last year, ouch ... cos I did the whole stupid trying to od (very unsuccessfully obviously) and putting him through that and refusing to get any help until he physically dragged me to dr in relation to a stomach bug i had constantly (which was probably just physical manifestation of feeling crappy).

So when you are in a really bad place ... it's pretty unfair to the other person sometimes. But then it may just be me.

[heartspace]

I don't know ouch. I think it's important for loved ones to stand by their loved ones during bouts of depression. But I also think it might be unfair to "lump" that (not a great choice of words, i know) on someone you don't know very well.

We all have our demons. But sometimes we need to work on them in order to be able to engage equally in a relationship.

[desperado]

In hindsight, I have noticed two things:

1) I haven't put myself out there enough, sometimes in past (when depressed I isolate big time)

-- and --

2) I think I tend to (subconsciously) sabotage rlnshps out of fear that they will get too close &/or hurt me.

Can anyone relate to #2?

[greenpunkergirl]

Hun, if that was the case, no one in the world would date. A lot of depression stems from lonliness. Heck mine does, and yours may be too. Evaluate what you most want in life, and chase it.......... that is the only way in my very humble opinion to cure depression.

[cajun]

Best of luck to you. I found that depression makes me not trust anyone. Dated my wife 10 years before we finally decided to marry. I was always better at friendships than relationships.

[nicole84]

It can make it harder dating and having depression. Although I have rarely had moments of being single, when I did leave my ex I thought no one would want to be mixed up with someone like me with my issues. I do have a partner though, going on 6 months now and it has its good and bad points. Its good having the support and comfort and love but when theres problems I find it so much harder to cope Its a personal decision I think, everyones different

[UCLAFan]

I want to date and then i don't.If that makes any sense.Just have a big fear of getting hurt.Plus i have no idea if anyone likes ne etc.Sorry i have not been on as of late. I was out of town on vacation for 2 weeks.

[jefftele]

relationships are difficult for people with depression,i expect too much off myself and others ,i am scared i'll get rejected ,the low self esteem makes me think i'll not maintain one.my withdrawl is difficult to deal with .my 27 year marriage ended 2 years ago ,my ex wife left me ,her family ,job, to live in another country with her lover,i'm kidding myself i'm over that. the book 'depression fallout 'covers a lot of issues about being with someone who is depressed,i long for a close loving relationship but then i have to face that i may also lose it.the best relationship i can have is with myself ,not in a selfish way ,but a loving way .relationships are difficult for people without depression how much harder are they when you have it? i live in hope that i will eventually find one

[bellaviolet]

i would guess depression would usually affect relationships. though it's probably different for different people. my mom sure never had a problem maintaining her relationship with my stepdad even though she struggled with depression most of her life.

personally i don't even try anymore. i've never had a lasting relationship and don't expect i ever will. just about every guy i've ever dated has been in it just for sex anyway, none of them has ever actually given a damn about me. why should they when i don't give a damn about myself?

drunksunflower i know just what you mean. part of me knows i am good at my job, fairly smart, reasonably attractive. but a bigger part doesn't buy it.

[ouch]

I would love to meet someone, but can't seem to make relationships last. Frustrating!! I wish I could find someone - a part of me thinks my depression would miraculously lift if I had someone's shoulder to cry on. Maybe I'm being naive. 32 and single, so I guess I am clueless about relationships!!

[littlemissjess]

You can make up a positive/negative on the person. That could always help. Sometimes I feel like a huge problem for my boyfriend who is amazing at everything, but then he's always there for me to talk. Just make sure before you do, do anything it's the right choice. And if you date, make sure they're understanding and would be there for you.