[butterflypower]

When I talk to some people, I just feel like I annoy them, so I don't talk at all. I want to be sociable, but I think I'm weird and socially awkward.

[palerefraction]

you can always message me, I'm sure I'd like the company

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

We all annoy some people, and some not, and some people annoy us and others not. It is the way of things. Who says you are weird/socially awkward? Does it matter - everyone differs in these aspects and life goes on.

Declaration if interest: I annoy lots of people and don't much care. If they like me I am pleased and if they don't, well so it goes.

[Bunluva]

My social awkwardness comes from being very self conscious about my appearance. I am pudgy(to put it the mildest way I can). I don't think I am horribly ugly, but I am ashamed of my weight. As a teen, I was very thin and as I made it to my 30's, I am far from thin. I was losing weight for a bit, but then one of my patients attacked me and I got hurt. I am seeking different type of work in my field and it isn't easy to find. I have been getting more and more depressed because I feel like when I go to interviews I keep getting rejected. By being at home and depressed, I have gained at least 20lbs which makes me more depressed. I am glad that the weather is finally getting warmer here in NY because I have seasonal affective disorder and the winters here are long, dreary and cold. I plan to move at some point to a warmer state, but I need to find a job here first so I can save up enough to move and pay off all the debts I have accrued by being out of work. By not being able to find work, I feel very stuck. Sorry, I just looked back at what I wrote and I am rambling like a lunatic. I guess it has been very lonely here too. The only person I know here is my husband and he works overnights and sleeps during the day. So I have a lot of time to think unfortunately. Amongst all of that rambling butterflypower I was meaning to say feel free to message me. I promise I won't ramble on like a just did.️

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[butterflypower]

It's just that sometimes I feel like I'm weird talking to people. I think it's just me always thinking I'm annoying people, but I'm probably not. Yes, people can annoy me, but it's really hard to. My boyfriend's sister is always texting me. I kind of get annoyed, so I ignore her. I feel bad about it, but sometimes she can be very needy. I think I'll eventually get over my awkwardness. It's hard to not think about what people say. Maybe once my medicine really starts kicking in, I'll care less. I avoid my family. I want to talk to them, but right now I don't want to hear them criticize me. I know I had to withdraw from college twice because of hospitalizations twice. Yes, I wasted $10,000 because of it. They like to bring it up all the time. My aunt will put me down. She would say "You're never going to finish college blahblahblah.." I decided to wait a month to talk to them again because I care about them. I really don't want them saying anything to me because they make me more depressed about my life.

[butterflypower]

Bunluva, don't worry. I tend to ramble a lot too. I gained a lot of weight. I went from 117lbs to 164lbs because of Zyprexa. My family asked me if I'm pregnant. That helped my self-image a lot. I'm glad I started Wellbutrin. Maybe I'll lose the weight I gained.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I wish your family could find kinder things to say to you - I don't suppose you wanted to leave college, it was a health matter not within your control. I wonder if they are a bit down on you because they worry about you and take their concern out on you in rather unhelpful ways.

All the same it might be beneficial, once your meds kick in and give you some respite, to explore, perhaps with a therapist, if you really have more of an adverse effect on people than you desire, and if this is really the case, how and why.

You post seems articulate, well-reasoned and 'normal' to me so I doubt you are in any way a hopeless case.

[Bunluva]

Dropping out of college is nothing unusual. How bout' dropping out of a $46,000 program at NYU? I will never hear the end of it. Yes, it was a wonderful program and school but I don't regret dropping out at all. I knew myself better than anyone and I knew I was not ready or capable at that time. I know it is easy for me to say, but let your aunt say that. When I hear that kind of negative talk I look at them with my eyes glazed over and agree and say yes, yes as if I am really listening even though I am not. You will do what you need to when you are ready and able. Not when your aunt wants you to. I graduated from a community college at 28 and it is not that I am not intelligent, I just would rather succeed at something easier then fail at something more difficult.

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[butterflypower]

My family has issues. They resolve them by drinking and drugs. I feel like I'm the only one that gets professional help because my family is against therapists. They make fun of me for taking medicine. They said I'm going to addicted to the medicine I take. I try to explain to them it's safe, but they don't listen. Like I'm going to be addicted to Wellbutrin. I know they are trying to protect me, but they can do that in a different way. I feel like they are pushing me away. I think when everything gets together like with school and my well-being everything will be better. Right now, I don't need their negativity when I'm in process of getting better. I've came a long way from my depression. It's still there, but getting better. The doctor said he would be more concerned if I was normal going through what I went through in my childhood. I'm starting to feel better slowly, but surely. I think I found the right medicine and doctor. My boyfriend's family is more supporting than mine. I think mine tries, but they don't know how to. I love them, but I can't get their support when they talk about negative things.

[ManOfConstantSorrow]

I think mine tries, but they don't know how to. I love them, but I can't get their support when they talk about negative things. - I strongly suspect you are right - they don't (yet) have the skills to understand, accept and deal with what you are going through. I hope they can find a way to support you (in their own way).

[Bunluva]

My mom has not spoken to me since October of last year because when she invited herself over to my place, "I was not very hospitable". She gets into these phases where she cuts people off and won't associate with them ever again. I guess I was bound to be her next victim soon. Honestly, it is probably best that she doesn't want to speak to me now. I am feeling very depressed, and she can be very cruel with her words. She has very bad mental issues as well as her mother who was schizophrenic and had a lobotomy in the 1940's(grandma lived with us and took care of us as children when mom was was working, not the soundest of choices. I was scared to death of her).

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[Bunluva]

Butterflypower you are very insightful and understanding when it comes to your parents supportiveness.(or lack thereof). That says a lot about you. Intelligent and and very emotionally aware.

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[butterflypower]

Bunluva, the sad thing is that they're not my parents. I lost my mom to cancer when I was 9, and my dad when I was 17. I'm 19. It's my brother and his wife and my aunt. They took care of me, so they're protective.

[Bunluva]

I am sorry butterflypower, I didn't understand. That sounds like a tough situation. I lost my dad to cancer also. It hurts. It sounds like this is their way of dealing with it, by overprotecting.

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[butterflypower]

Yeah they been through a lot, too.
I was the one who found my mom passed away. My dad had Alzheimer's. I helped take care of him until he had to go to the nursing home where he passed.

[Bunluva]

Wow. That must have been so traumatic for you. Was the Alzheimer's early onset? It doesn't seem that he should have been that old. Alzheimer's is such a difficult and sad disease especially in a family member. They are completely different people then they were. It can be frustrating and sad all at the same time. You are very strong to have been able to deal with it the way you did. You should be proud of your strength.

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[butterflypower]

Yes, it was early because he was diabetic and he didn't take good care of hisself. He passed when he was 67. My parents where 18 years apart. My dad would be 69 and my mom would be 52. Thank you. People say I have good character for helping my dad. It makes me feel good. ��