[tenderheart1974]

Hi everyone,

I am new to this forum. I just wanted to vent and express how depression is paralyzing me and making my life extremely difficult to deal with on a daily basis. My depressions is literally "Paralyzing" me. This is especially affecting me at work. Lately, we have been short handed at work and I am so overwhelmed and stressed with everything I have to do and deadlines etc. that is is literally paralyzing me and It makes me so angry and depressed that I just sit there at my desk and don't want to do ANYTHING I am behind in my work just doing the bare minimum to not get in trouble. My bosses haven't said anything yet but I know eventually they are going to notice. I also feel extremely angry that I have to go to work everyday to survive or end up on the street, I hate dealing with people, and the pressures of my job which depresses me and paralyzes me. I just get so angry, stressed and depressed that it paralyzes me and I just sit there and do nothing. Also, I am so depressed and overwhelmed about life in general that I just want to stay at home in my "cave." My depression lately has also led to me using drugs to cope which is making my depression worse, because of the feelings of guilt and extreme financial problems it has caused me. It's like a vicious cycle. Does anyone else on here go through what I go through with these feelings on a daily basis? I also have had some thoughts about is life worth living. I'm living in a Motel, My car is on it's last leg, I am 40 years old and have saved no money due to my impulsivity my whole life (I also have traits of Borderline). I have no assets, nothing. I live from paycheck to paycheck and if I lost my job I would be on the street. I have no friends or family support. My mental health, financial and substance abuse issues have affected me being the mother I want to be this past year also (my son doesn't live with me) and the guilt is literally destroying me. I am trying but it seems with no money and my life situation, things are never going to get better. I make enough money to barely make ends meet. I want to get professional help but I have a $1500 deductible with my health insurance and I can't afford to pay $150-200 for a visit to a psychiatrist. Can some of you on here please give me some advice? I know have a million issues I listed. I'm at my wits end and feel like I'm trapped in a cycle of poverty, substance abuse and depression and things are never going to get better. I also have a social phobia, I hate interacting with people especially by bosses because I know at anytime they can fire me. But I put on act everyday at work and force myself to be fake and act like I'm happy and everything in my life is ok, when it's not. My co-workers have no idea what my life is really like. Please give me some advice. Thank you everyone

[vital]

Originally Posted by tenderheart1974

I also have a social phobia, I hate interacting with people especially by bosses because I know at anytime they can fire me. But I put on act everyday at work and force myself to be fake and act like I'm happy and everything in my life is ok, when it's not. My co-workers have no idea what my life is really like. Please give me some advice. Thank you everyone

Hi tenderheart,

Here's what you can do really fast:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4299822-post117.html

It's a great way to start and it usually starts to work quickly. For more details about why this works, see the top of the thread:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

For my best overall advice, see

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[LittleEarthquakes]

Hi there, want to let you know that your words resonate with me and I understand. I deal with depression and social phobia on a daily basis also. I'm sure you know this but it would be a good idea to stop the drug use, really it'll only make things worse. There are things you can do to help yourself without a psychiatrist or psychologist, books you can read, etc., but if you find you can't help yourself then you may need help from a professional but I get that the money situation is a struggle. It's good you're posting here - little things like having someone to talk to openly can really help.

[waterknob1234]

Hi Tenderheart. My heart goes out to you. Some of your story sounds so much like mine. It really sounds like you work in the same office where I work. We are short-staffed. One person is expected to do the work of 4 people and do it perfectly with no mistakes no matter how busy things are. I also hate my job but have no choice but to work to support myself. There may be some options you can take. You can see if there is a family practice doc who is willing to prescribe an antidepressant. Generic Prozac and generic celexa can be purchased for $4.00 at Walmart. I wonder if you would be eligible for assistance from a community mental health clinic which charges by income. There are some self-help books you can read.

By all means put the drugs you are taking away before you become addicted. It is so tempting sometimes to take something like hydrocodone or have an alcoholic drink to escape the emotional pain but down the line it just makes things worse.

I hope and pray that in time you can get a different job or a better job. It is a shame that we who work so hard get paid so little. I don't know if there is a place like Dept of Family and Children's services who could help you find affordable therapy or group therapy? I am in the same position as you. I cannot afford a psychiatrist or therapist and my insurance has a $3000.00 deductible. I am at least thankful that my medical doc is willing to prescribe my antidepressant. I see him about once every 3 months and he costs $77.00

I am hoping things change for you. Keep posting.

[freaka]

i understand you, tenderheart. my situation was similar many years ago. first and most important thing to do is to stop the drugs. take it from someone who knows first hand. it's not going to get better as long as you get high.

[tenderheart1974]

Thank you everyone who responded to my thread and for your support. I loved reading your posts and Vital, thank you for those links. I am still working on finishing reading them, but it sounds like some good advice. I know my drug use is only making my depression and anxiety worse, because of several reasons. I am working on getting clean and I think I am going to attend my first NA meeting today. Work will always be there, but I know getting high isn't the answer. Thanks again all of you for the support.

[Cal30]

Tenderheart,

I'm so sorry to hear that you are in such great distress and are under attack on so many attacks on so many fronts.

Depression is a war, and you are a general. To win you have to understand your enemy and know how to defeat him. You also have to understand your capabilities and weapons systems, how to stay supplied, and how to move firepower into place, organize a defense and make counter attacks.

You're in a situation now where depression has been taking more and more land from you and pushing you further and further back into the wilderness. Do you know about the Nazi invasion of the Soviet Union in 1941? In the beginning, the Russians weren't ready for war and didn't know how to fight the Germans. The Germans killed hundreds of thousands of Russian soldiers and civilians and advanced deep into the heart of Russia to within 20km of Moscow. The Russians retreated and experienced one defeat after another on the battlefield.

How did the Russians react to the tremendous defeats and set backs at the hands of the Nazis?

With tenacity, bravery and stubborn resistance. By the Summer of 1942 they were defiantly and zealously declaring "not one step back!," which perfectly encapsulated their stubborn determination to not yield another inch to the invader, no matter what the cost, or what the price.

So my suggestion for you is that you begin by saying "not one step back." Depression has taken all that it will ever take from me, and I am not taking one more step back. I will keep my job and maintain my relationship with my son! I am not taking one more step back!

Then you need to start breaking up your various problems into fronts. For example:

Front 1: Social Anxiety
Front 2: Financial Organization
Front 3: Career
Front 4: Drug Use

Once you have broken the problems down into distinct fronts, you can start to come up with a plan for success on each front.

In my opinion, I would start fighting on the financial and drug fronts, since your spending and what you put inside your body is something you have 100% control over. Say, not one step back! Do not compromise and do not yield, no matter what the cost!

A few other pointers:

Study Your Enemy
Depression and anxiety only have a few weapons and attack styles that they deploy over and over again. Once you learn how to defeat these attacks and then counterattack, you can master depression and anxiety.

Social Connection
You need to get plugged in to a positive social group that will encourage you and help you, and whom you can encourage and help as well. With your social anxiety, I'm sure this will be difficult, but at least make this a goal to work towards. Strong social connection gives you staying power and support in the fight.

Deeper Meaning and Truth and a Cause
You need to establish some bedrock truth and values and morality that you will not compromise under any circumstances. (For me, this is my Christian faith.) You need to find a cause to fight for so that when depression starts asking "why are you doing this? What's the point?" You can instantly deflect the blow and retort, here is why!

It is a war, so I encourage you to find a way to stir up that warrior spirit inside yourself. Do not show depression any mercy. Never yield an inch! Not one step back!

Victory can be yours, but only if you begin to fight!

Not one step back!

Cal30