[SuchAKillJoy]

Well I'm new here... I found this place through another website that advocated for it being helpful. I've been battling this monster inside my head for a long time now. I've had so many lows lately and I feel so stuck. I have the general feelings of being a worthless burden. I've been told I have a very pessimistic and self defeating personality, I wish I could change that but I really don't know how. Just "think positive" honestly makes me scoff, because well...what do I have to feel positive about exactly? It makes me feel like some angsty teen when I say that, but it feels true. My situation doesn't help, I currently have no job(have applied but no call-backs), no car, and the place I am living isn't exactly filled with positive energy. I want to get away, I think that would be good for me, but I don't know how and no one can seem to tell me. Lately I've been dealing with self harm again(cutting) and thoughts of suicide, though I promised myself to NOT do that, the thoughts rear their ugly little head anyway. I don't like feeling or being this way, I don't like me. I don't know how to start liking me again, I can't really remember a time when I did anymore, but I imagne it feels nice.
Sorry for the life story. But that is what I am going through right now and I don't know what to do, or how to make it better. I'm just...very tired.

[gayleggg]

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. It's hard to remain positive when you are depressed. Have you seen a doctor or therapist? It might be a good idea since you are dealing with thoughts of harm.

I'm glad that you found PC. I found it to be a great help when I was deeply depressed.

[vital]

Originally Posted by SuchAKillJoy

Well I'm new here... I found this place through another website that advocated for it being helpful. I've been battling this monster inside my head for a long time now. I've had so many lows lately and I feel so stuck. I have the general feelings of being a worthless burden. I've been told I have a very pessimistic and self defeating personality, I wish I could change that but I really don't know how. Just "think positive" honestly makes me scoff, because well...what do I have to feel positive about exactly? It makes me feel like some angsty teen when I say that, but it feels true. My situation doesn't help, I currently have no job(have applied but no call-backs), no car, and the place I am living isn't exactly filled with positive energy. I want to get away, I think that would be good for me, but I don't know how and no one can seem to tell me. Lately I've been dealing with self harm again(cutting) and thoughts of suicide, though I promised myself to NOT do that, the thoughts rear their ugly little head anyway. I don't like feeling or being this way, I don't like me. I don't know how to start liking me again, I can't really remember a time when I did anymore, but I imagne it feels nice.
Sorry for the life story. But that is what I am going through right now and I don't know what to do, or how to make it better. I'm just...very tired.

Hi,

You might find this useful:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

http://forums.psychcentral.com/depre...n-escaped.html

- vital

[SuchAKillJoy]

Originally Posted by gayleggg

I'm sorry you are going through such a rough time. It's hard to remain positive when you are depressed. Have you seen a doctor or therapist? It might be a good idea since you are dealing with thoughts of harm.

I'm glad that you found PC. I found it to be a great help when I was deeply depressed.

I was going to..something, it was one of those sliding scale places that let you be seen by students who were doing their externship. But I had to quit going because I can't even afford the 5 dollar payment. I also only have coverage for family planning through the Medicaid program at the moment. I also lost my grandmother(who raised me) to cancer last year, and I had to stop going right after that, when I needed it most.

It wasn't so bad but well...most of it was all about thinking positive. I'm just not very good at that, life has taught me too many times that there is another shoe and it will, at some point, drop. And take you down with it more than likely. So I'm pretty pessimistic as a general rule. I know it's a bad habit, I know that I COULD train myself to be more positive. But it all sounds so..cheesy, like something you believe in when you're a little child and you're clueless to how much darkness is out here in the world. I know there are good things, but being so positive like they were trying to tell me to be just seems...naive after all I've been through.

[SuchAKillJoy]

Originally Posted by vital

Hi,

You might find this useful:


- vital

I'm sure those things would help(the link you gave me) but being poor means my diet is whatever I can afford. I have to take what I can get, the cheapest I can get it. Meditation has never worked for me either, I've tried before thinking it would help. But my mind just doesn't shut up or quiet down, ever. I have ADD and am not medicated for it (diet changes have been said to help but again, poor, cheap, affordability) so my mind doesn't really have an "off switch". I can't remember a time when my mind was relaxed and blank of distractions. If it ever has been able to do that. I would like to try medication but the poor thing comes in again. Currently I'm on medicaid and it only covers family planning.

[Smileonmyface]

welcome to PC. i'm sorry you are struggling. i feel the same way a lot of the time, you are definitely not alone. maybe seeing a doctor/therapist would help? i resisted medicine for many years but now i don't think i could function without it.

[Fuzzybear]

[SuchAKillJoy]

Originally Posted by Smileonmyface

welcome to PC. i'm sorry you are struggling. i feel the same way a lot of the time, you are definitely not alone. maybe seeing a doctor/therapist would help? i resisted medicine for many years but now i don't think i could function without it.

I would like to try medication, but I can not afford it. My insurance is currently medicaid and only covers family planning. I'm rather poor and can't even afford a sliding scale place made for low income.

(My internet comes from where I live,I do not pay for it.)