[AbsurdBlackBear]

I'm feeling very stressed out and every second more that I'm alive feels like a lifetime. I do not know what to do. I feel like life is a very heavy burden that I must carry with me everywhere no matter what I do and I mean it truly feels very heavy, I can physically feel it both in my head and on my whole body like a crushing force. Talking to people and thinking feels like the greatest mental exercise in the world with such difficulty, even a single thought of just laying in bed or getting out of bed feels like I'm trapped in a deep mathematical equation like some sort of physicist. I feel like I just want to die, but am not going to actively seek death, so I do not know what to do. Should I go to the mental hospital? Will that just make me even more miserable like I'd expect it to, and knowing my intuition I am generally right about these gut feelings. I just feel utterly defeated, crushed, with no way to escape. I hate this living hell! Why must I or anyone else suffer like this? This is a fate worse than death.

[SoupDragon]

Hi Absurdblackbear. I have just read your post and you have been able to put in words exactly how I feel. So it was sort of a revelation for me.

I know so well what you describe. Sucks doesn't it?

All I can tell myself is that this will pass and there will be brighter days and in the meantime I try to do mindfulness, sit outside and listen to the birds, feel the wind / sun on my face, make myself walk my dogs (don't know what I'd do without them), look out recipes and cook myself feasts.

I would rather just disappear, but know that might be a mistake, how will I never know how good things could be unless I stick around to find out.

In terms of hospital, I avoid them at all costs and the threat of them is enough to allow that small bit of my safe brain to remain strong. But if safety is an issue then they are a good thing until you can take back that responsibility yourself.

Not sure if you take meds? But hospital may be good to get any sorted out to help you.

Oh yes, and I come on here I spend time in the games / arcade and get really focused on one or two games in there, challenging myself to get high scores (ssshhhh, but I even got a higher score than Docjohn on one )

This isn't making light of how you feel. I know how very difficult it is, but somehow me have to muddle through until the storm passes and not let it take us with it.

Take care Soup

[AbsurdBlackBear]

Yes, I take medication, though I do not need them since it isn't going to alleviate my existential crisis.

[H3rmit]

Hi. I can relate to your existential crises. Some of your diagnoses match issues that have been noted on my medical record, as well. There is a lot of pain. I understand. I chose to pick away at some of those social and interpersonal and emotional problems, to gradually resolve them. I'm 30 years older than you, and it was many painful years. Now with the Internet many more resources are available, and it wouldn't take me as long if I were starting now, so you have that advantage. All I could do was soldier on and keep trying.

What is meaningful in life? I still don't know, but there are a few things I think are of value - science, social justice, some art, communication skills, conservation, meditation, cuisine, agriculture, gardening . . . I suppose I could go on. I have found things that bring me moments of joy. I like understanding things, even if I can only understand tiny bits in the grand scheme.

I do feel your pain, and when things get dark, or I feel in danger, often I just think, "Oh, is it the end? Finally, relief?" So, despite the moments of joy, the despair comes easily as well. I found meditation very valuable to helping me feel more at peace and also to be more aware of the diversity of things in life.

I wish I could say something helpful. I hope you can find some relief.

(((((Bear)))))

[Fuzzybear]

(((((((( bear ))))))))