No where to run, no where to hide

I just want to escape from everything. From everyone. Writing this I'm fighting the tears and the tightness in my chest thats getting more painful every second. Feeling so lost, alone, rejected, sad, hopeless and simply beaten down. I know there's times where I've felt better but today this pain is unbearable! I don't want to continue. I've never been suicidal, and I can say that I'm still not. But I just wish everything could come to an end for me. Maybe my meds are no longer working. But at this point I feel like I don't care and don't have the strength to want to do anything about it. I just want to submerge myself in the darkness and shrink away. I feel like nobody cares. I know some do. But they don't understand.

Yes, it does sound like your meds aren't working. I know it can be hard to reach out and ask for help when you are in such a depressed state, but it could help if you did talk to your doctor.

It is hard for outsiders to understand how bad things can feel. But they can help, with hugs and words of encouragement. Give them a chance.

Hi Zayabean, I'm really sorry things are so hard (harder than hard, right??) for you right now
But there are people on here who are going to know and understand what you're going through. And I'm glad you've had the strength to tell us about it, that really is a big step, because you know you deserve more than this, right??
And maybe (soon??!!) you can use that strength just to start by telling at least one other person IRL, or/and move onto telling your doctor, because I'd say you're right that your meds probably need to be looked at again.
But for right now...........is there anything you might be able to do that might help just a bit?? For example by trying to focus on something that might give you some "distraction", finding something to do that might give you some "comfort"..........???
And if it's real tough, maybe you could try a helpline..........I know that might seem like it would take too much effort or be too hard to do, but they can be really supportive. Just another option.
But don't forget we care, and we're still here for you if you need us, if you want to talk more.

Alison

I had to drive about an hour and a half to get to my family Easter today. I cried all the way... Sobbing at some points. I'm trying so hard to keep my strength up as I have a 5 year old son. I don't want to suffer anymore but I can't bear him having to live without a mother. Today is the first time I contemplated checking myself into a hospital, but I keep trying to be stronger than that. I thought about calling a crisis line as well, but I can't get any words out, just tears. What happens if u go to a hospital? It's Easter wknd, so there's no way I can get into my T or doctor. Thanks so much for all of your kind words and advice. My family has no idea how bad I am right now. It's so difficult keeping myself together right now.

Hi Zayabean, it sounds to me that it would take a lot for you (personally) to be considering checking into hospital, so if those are your feelings maybe you should give them some credence, It's not like you'd be "giving into them" it'd be much more about respecting the way you feel (you haven't got to those thoughts lightly!!) and wanting what's best for yourself. So keep that thought if you need to hey??
And there should be some services/help available at the hospital regardless of Easter I would have thought.......I'm not from your country but even if they are a bit slower on holidays there should be something?? So an option, even if you decide not to go with it today, tomorrow........it's still there.
And the crisis lines........do you think it might be easier to use an online crisis line whereas you don't need to physically/verbally get the words out but instead could try to type them out, a bit like on here?? Afterall you have expressed yourself so well on here. Maybe it could help??
And if your family had just a bit of an idea of how you're feeling, if you could tell them just a bit?? Do you think they could help some?? Even if they can't do anything to help you emotionally (although maybe??) then perhaps they could at least help in some practical sense?? Take some of the "burdens"/responsibilities off you as it sounds like you're trying to cope with a lot. However well a 5 year old is behaved, it's still got to be tough in itself, nevermind some of the other things you're needing to do, while you're feeling like this (!!) so if they could do some of those other things for you???
It's really got to be time to put your needs first. Sometimes it just isn't a choice but to do that, and now's the time yes??
So please reach out for some more help, anyone would seriously struggle in your situation/with the way you're feeling, and no-one would deserve to go through it alone/without help/support
Alison