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#1
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To be honest I'm not sure exactly how long I stared at the screen trying to find the words of what I wanted to say. I'm not very good with communication especially when it concerns telling people my true thoughts. So if I ramble or jumble my words a bit ignore me?
I've had a feeling a might be experiencing depression for a while now, probably since high school but I've never actually been diagnosed by a doctor. The most I've done is take random depression tests, some just give me numbers while others tell me I'm severely depressed. Yet suicidal thoughts don't cross my mind and at the same time I have no desire to live. It's more I don't want to make the people important to me sad by taking my own life but I have no will to live because I don't feel alive. I feel dead, completely empty inside and most of things I used to love barely spark life in me anymore. I know my issue but I don't know to solve it, the main issue is I'm isolated. I'm often told I'm strange, even my family says they don't understand me at all. I'm bad at making friends and simply chatting with people because I don't know what to say. What do you say to the people around you when you share no interests with them? It's not even about strangers I have a best friend someone I've known since 2nd grade but I can't find the words so I rarely pick up the phone and call her. We see each other twice a year and have alot of fun but we don't talk anything before or after. A part of me is afraid to talk to the people closest to me because I don't want them to leave. I reached out and shared my feelings with a close friend in high school once but because I had been keeping it inside for so long it exploded. She and many others from high school have not spoken to me since. Ever since that incident I'm been too afraid to reach out to anyone else. I love my father alot and he's the only family member who calls and checks up on me but something he said to me still haunts me. "There's no point in you trying, your just going to fail anyways" We had been arguing so I know he said it out of anger but I just can't forget it, the words just wont leave my head. I think the reason because unlike most I've always wondered why I'm alive. Ever since I was small I've been trying to find the reason why I was born because just being alive wasn't enough. Everyone about me is average, I'm not very smart or athletic and even though I put alot of effort and time into the things I liked, no results showed from it. I have no dreams, I don't know what I should do with my life because I have no talents and I'm not good at anything. I feel like an alien when I'm with my family or in my work space, it's like I just don't quite fit in. I've always wanted to find a place where I belonged, somewhere I could breath and not feel so suffocated. Some place where I would be accepted for who I am, liked even. To find at least one person who shared my interests, who enjoys being around me. Someone who believes my existence is important to them, someone who calls me to talk and wants to spend time with me. I suppose that's what I'm truly searching for, but it's an illusion that we all want but most never find. I don't know what I want by writing all this because it's not pity, half of it's just to get this all out because talking to strangers is easier than talking to friends. I know each day that goes by I sink further down which is why I'm trying to make a step and reach out yet I don't know what to do. How do you make friends when you have trouble finding words to say? When you have no interests with them? When your so weird compared to them? I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it. |
![]() JustTvTroping, kaliope, Ruftin, unhappydaze, vital
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![]() unhappydaze
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#2
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Hello Lucky Ducky, I think you got real lucky when you found Psych Central. Why? Because you have something in common with everyone here. What you say is what so many people say.
You said Quote:
I want to say something to you in part because you have been told false info. You are bound to succeed. Nothing will stand in your way because you never give up. You have the heart of a lion protected its cubs. All the world may ignore you (except people here) or tell you things that are not true. But you keep going on. I am so proud to see someone like you toughing it out. I am also so glad that you have joined the Psych Central community because here you are accepted the way you are. Many people find compassionate, caring people here at PC. Some people find the forums give them the compassion and empathy they seek. http://forums.psychcentral.com Please feel free to private message me or any of the Community Liaisons by left clicking on the name in blue to the left of their post) for questions or just to share.
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Super Moderator Community Support Team "Things Take Time" Last edited by CANDC; Apr 12, 2015 at 09:28 PM. |
![]() Ruftin
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![]() Ruftin, unhappydaze
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#3
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hi luckieduckie
i think it will be difficult to connect to others as long as you are depressed. i was depressed for thirty years and never sought treatment and my life was miserable. i had no hope. i finally got help when i knew i was going to wind up dead. the right antidepressants and right therapy at the right time completely turned my life around. i regret not doing something about it sooner as i feel i wasted much of my life as things turned around so quickly with treatment. i developed a whole new outlook upon life. i was able to build my self esteem and feel like a success. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome ![]() |
![]() vital
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#4
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Quote:
I think I understand what this is about quite well having gone through it myself. Depression has one big trick. The trick is this: You keep thinking "There's no point in you trying, your just going to fail anyways" as your father said, and, you are probably naturally focussed very strongly on whether it is true or not, whether your father really meant that, if it is true, what it means for you, what you should do, and so on. These thoughts have a high emotional content and so they are very captivating. However, this is all hiding the underlying essential problem. To understand the essential problem, it doesn't matter if your father meant that or not or even whether it is true or not (it's not true, of course, in this case). The essential problem is just that it keeps coming into your mind again and again and again and again and again and again. The problem is not what you are thinking and feeling. The problem is how your thoughts and feelings are coming to you in general. For more about this see the notes on this post http://forums.psychcentral.com/4369910-post130.html and the top of the thread for more and for what to do about it. As for how to make friends, I don't even think you have to worry about that. When you're depressed, it's very hard to make NEW friends because everyone can pretty much tell that something is wrong with you and that will make them uncomfortable. It's not that they don't like you, it's just that it's kind of a bummer to hang out with a depressed person. If you can get yourself on a healing path, though, I think you'll find that everything in your life gets better, including friends. ![]() |
#5
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i'm sorry you're suffering. i know depression is excruciating. looking for meaning usually just makes me dizzy and i end up just going round in circles.
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#6
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Wow!!! Your name is so fitting LuckyDuckie!!!! Psych Central is a great place to come and let it all out. I'm so excited you're here and reading posts from others who are or have been right where you are. Yes, treat that depression. It makes all the difference in the world. I know, I have it!!!! Depression is an illness, lack of serotonin in the brain. Meds will help. I hope you start feeling better soon. Please keep us posted on your progress. Get to a p-doc soon and start living your life!!!
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