[TheLifeFantastic]

Good morning everyone,

I wanted to share with you guys my story with depression. It helps me to explain to people how I've got into this situation. So if you don't mind I'm going to tell you how I've placed myself in my own Personal Hell.
I feel like I’m the fool… I’ve always felt like there was a black cloud hanging over my head since I can remember. I’ve always been the type to seem to be happy. I was always joking around and laughing with people. I thought I was the Joker, but in reality I feel I was the fool.
My junior year in college. I had found myself stuck. All these feeling of sadness, dread, and inadequacies had finally brought me down. I went to seek treatment and besides a few months of struggle I was able to find myself. I became I stronger person, and met the love of my life. It was from this I was about to make better grades and get a job right out of college.
Time had passed, and I held strong against many things that were happening around me. For the five years I was with my fiancé I had many struggles because of her bipolar disorder. I was able to stand by her during the worst of times, and believe me there were times I wanted to give up and leave her. In time in many ways she did get better. During this time I was doing very well at managing our GIS (Geographic Information Systems) at my workplace. I would always get good 1 year reviews from my supervisor, and I had no problems.

That was until early last year. I started to notice my anxiety was going up again. Fearing what I had experienced years before. I decided it would be in my best interest to see the doctor, and get on some medication again. It would be soon after proposing to my ex that we got into an argument, and we mutually decided to end the relationship. By this time I started to struggle at work. I did not feel valued and most of my opinions where written off. I felt like they simple did not care about my position, and I felt more like the reason I was there was so that I had someone to blame (Before I had started we had many years of bad mapping). I found myself at odds with my supervisor about many things. It took the longest time for anything to get done because I was never able to get him to make a decision.

At this point in time, work was my life. The constant struggle with my supervisor, and seeing projects that should have been done quicker finally got me to a place where I was starting to get depressed. I started to feel worthless. I was even passed up on a promotion because of small town politics (The position was given to someone who had connection and had less experience). By this time my depression started to deepen, but my ex and I got back together.
Even getting back with my ex did not change my downfall. The medication I was taking had to start being changed. I started not showing up for work because I would cry every day. Eventually I was forced to resign from my position (Note: They did know that I was depressed, and see a Doctor at the time). This made my depression much worse. For days I would not get out of bed. Nothing seemed to be helping me, and I felt totally lost at what to do. Two months after losing my job my ex became my ex again. This felt like the biggest betrayal of my life. I had supported her through the worst times of her life when we were together, and she gave up on me after only a month and a half.

Now it has been close to year since I started to feel like I was slipping. I live at home with my mom, and my father and other sibling don’t want to support me anymore. If I had insurance I would have gone to the hospital by now, but I don’t which leaves me with only one option of hospital. Which has a very bad reputation, and is known to be worse for you than good for you.
So here I am… Someone who used to be strong, but has been humbled again. I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know how to progress forward when I feel like my depression is trying to kill me every day. I’ve also found it hard to find jobs when you were forced to resign and are depressed. Where should I go from here? How can I be strong again knowing that I can easily lose it?

[vital]

Originally Posted by TheLifeFantastic

Where should I go from here? How can I be strong again knowing that I can easily lose it?

Dear TheLifeFantastic,

Have a look at the notes attached to this link

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4369910-post130.html

Here is what I think is the best overall plan

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

Lucky for you, there are lots of things to do that are also great for your health anyway .

- vital

[Keyslost]

It's been 11 mo for me since my slow slide down. A lot of that last paragraph is very similiar to me which little changes. It feels like I'm being tested or tortured idk which. It does take a bit for someone to hire but when you do, hopefully it will help (it helped me a bit anyways). Work is also an escape for me I'd rather deal with the occasional bad cust than home crap. The best thing to do is just not give up I guess. Imagine what it'll be like yrs down when you're not in that environment. Keep us updated if it gets worse/better

[Fizzyo]

You're here, therefore you must be strong. At least you know your missed promotion wasn't lack of ability so you can be angry, but no need to turn on yourself, which is depression.
Have you tried CBT? Not a cure for everyone but can be accessed free. One site, MoodGYM, Not sure where capitals go, is an Australian site, but I used it free from UK and it was good, helped me a bit takes you through a six week course of learning and homework, aimed at younger adults but I was early 40s. Hope you can find something helpful.

[Fuzzybear]

[TheLifeFantastic]

Thank you everyone. Interesting thing happen to me yesterday after I posted this. I met with someone I know who is the head of a Pych. part of hospital. We talked and I found out during my final days working I had switch from an anti anxiety medicine to another. This lead me to go from a withdraw cold turkey from Valium (It was a generic of it I think). The current medication I'm taking may also be causing me to have bipolar like symptoms. Meaning that it's been causing me to go up and down throughout my treatment.

The good news is that I have a plan now, and I understand chemically what is happening in my body. I just wanted to give you guys an update to let you know. (Also I'm not anti medication, but in this cause I may have been over proscribed)

[Clara22]

Depression is a mental health condition and it is not your fault, I tell myself everyday