You know, you're supposed to want to get better. Positive attitude and all that rot!
I'm tired. I'm empty.
Every week to the therapist. Every 4 weeks to the psychiatrist. More ideas, different ideas. More pills, bigger pills. It just doesn’t work and it is because of me. I don’t want it to work. Why bother? Because it has become a routine like brushing you teeth.
I just don’t care any more. There is supposed to be a light at the end of the tunnel. What light? I don’t see any light.
The truth is I want to die. Not I wish I were dead or I hope I die. I want to die.
Soon the letters will be all written. I’ll be able to visit with most of my family one last time. Goodwill will have all the salvageable pieces of my life.
Maybe soon I can be at peace.

[SecretGarden]

I am sorry that you are feeling so bad....

http://www.mhsanctuary.com/Healing/auto.htm

[Direction]

Have you expressed these words to your psychiatrist and therapist. If not, please, please call them today...

[prettyjolie]

i know how u feel, but you have to remember how bright the future is..

think positive, as hard as it may be.. picture how wonderful life could be and how happy you could be, getting out of depression or whatever else you deal with.. think about all the good things in life, remember that there are others out there who are worse off than you are. Some are soo depressed and have other mental or physical illnesses, some uncurable, or some so expensive to treat.. you have what you need to get better..

something that really helps me "snap out of it" is setting goals for myself. Think about things that you want out of life and set goals and meet them. That satisfaction you get after you reach your goals will make you soo happy and help you realize how better off you are alive..

hope everything is well and you are ok

[Wants2Fly]

Please talk with someone at a crisis line or in person right away. I have been where you are, and sometimes I am there right now. I know what you mean. Your post shows that you are still willing to reach out, to take some tiny step to help yourself.

I know you are in so much pain right now, and my heart goes out to you. Please call someone.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((keb)))))))))))))))))))))))

Thank you all
There is supposed to be a future but I just don't see it. There is nothing but darkness.

[Direction]

It takes a tiny amount of light to make darkness incomplete...

Yes but I think I have my blinders on.

[Direction]

I know what you mean - it really is hard and I don't want to sound like a broken record - even the smallest of holes in the blinders will let some light in.

Is there anything you've enjoyed doing in the past that you could do today?

I know there are things I used to do because my home is full of reminders. But I can't remember how. I try to remember but I just come up against a brick wall in my head and there is nothing there. It's just depresssssssing.

[Sabrina]

I understand what you are saying. I have been where you are and the desire to want to get better eluded me completely. Nothing seem to work. To this day I still can't explain or say exactly what did happen that started my road to recovery and though I still have some extreme times, I basically found that light at the end of the tunnel. I just wanted to let you know that there is hope although I do understand that you don't feel any right now.

I can only send you strengthening thoughts - I know words seem so glib right now.

[jefftele]

i have been exactly where you are so many times all i can say is that my thoughts/ feelings pass don't know how or why i do also wish i had peace in my tormented mind i'm living in hope

Thank you both (Sabrina0805 & jefftele)
I guess hope is what keeps begoing back to drs. I just don't know any more. I have very little hope left.

[Sabrina]

While you may feel you don't have much hope left, just your saying that hope is what keeps you going back to the doctors is a speck of that light at the end of what now seems to be a very long tunnel!

Sending you strength!

I hope your are right but I'm just not sure. Every little thing is such an effort. Even breathing becomes dificult (not in the physical sense).

[Sabrina]

I know keb, I really do understand! Breathing takes a huge amount of effort under these circumstances.

My thoughts are with you.

[Wants2Fly]

Keb, I have said exactly the same thing. My cousin's husband asked me what I had been doing during a long period of very dark depression.

"Trying to breathe," I said.

He confessed he had some depressive periods himself, and he understood what I meant.

Depression is a serious, serious illness. I believe the correct statistic is that about 10% of us commit suicide, so it is a disease that kills. It is not something that is "just in our heads," and it's not a matter of willpower, as my mother continues to insist, to overcome it.

Please congratulate yourself for each breath you take. For remembering to take a shower. Or to brush your teeth. Or to step on the porch for some fresh air. Or to change out of pajamas, not matter how late in the day. (At my worst, I can sweat clothes that I could live in, so the neighbors wouldn't know I was still in my pjs.)

These little things that are nothing to other people are triumphs for us during a depression.

Keep going keb, and keep posting.

KEB

[Sabrina]

As much as I hate to say this, and I adore my mother, she says the same.

Very good post Wants2Fly. Very good indeed! You made me feel understood and normal and I am not quite at the same dark place that dear keb is. Thank you so much for posting!

Thank you for your encouragement. I really want to believe.
I've tried over and over to put a positive spin on even just the everyday thing in life. But all I see is this deep dark future filled with emptiness.

[Sabrina]

(((Keb))) - my heart goes out to you - I know that doesn't help much but I just wanted to let you know that you will be in my thoughts.

Thank you

[Sabrina]

You are welcome! Please know that you can PM me anytime. I will do my best to support you through this struggle!

(((((((((keb))))))))
I'm sorry you're feeling so bad. Sometimes the most unexpected things can lift our perspective of life. I hope you find that unexpected gift soon so you won't feel like you're alone in the cold dark anymore.

I've become very adept at fooling the Drs. You smile, say everything is fine and joke around. If you tell them how you really feel they put you in a hospital "for your own protection". Yeah right. Then the insurance runs out, you smile and say "Thank You" and nothing has really changed.
One more month....