Stuck in a rut

Hi, I'm new to this site. I'm not exactly sure how to begin so I'll just start with the basics: I'm a 26 year old college student and I feel I've suffered from depression (and a bunch of related issues, I guess) for over ten years. It din't spring from any particularly negative experience (I had a fairly standard, uneventful childhood), one day I just hit puberty and there it was. I can't remember what it's like to be happy or excited about anything. I get no joy from pretty much anything I do in my life

Anyway, during the last 10 years this depression has mostly manifested in me being completely passive about everything in my life, and continuously feeling like I'm wasting my youth, my opportunities, my skills, my money, my time, or all of the above. Also, I've progressively grown lonelier and lonelier - I've never had a relationship (and have pretty much grown to deal with the fact that I will never have one), and at this point have basically no friends. I rarely leave my house and interact with almost nobody outside of my family.

My studies are going very poorly, to say the least. I entered law school at a good university, but I feel like I've wasted the last 5 years because I've pretty much learnt nothing. My grades are atrocious and the way my credits go it's a very real possibility that I'll fail to graduate in the maximum 8 years that the school allows. I should have graduated by now - most of the few friends I had in college have already done so, so now I hardly ever see them. I seldom attend - when I attend, I seldom manage to focus enough to take notes, and when I do I seldom manage to remember to read them. In these 5 years I can't remember the last time I actually managed to STUDY for a test - even with final exams, I only manage to start reading notes the midnight before the test. I can't keep my attention on anything - it's like my mental focus just melts away a few lines into any text. I stay fixated, reading and rereading and voicing out loud what I see in the page or screen in front of me, before noticing I've been repeating the same paragraph for half an hour and have completely failed to make sense of the words.
Needless to say, this doesn't leave me with very high hopes for my future employment. I'm not particularly ambitious - I'd settle with being hired. My school supposedly has a 95% of students finding employment after the first year of graduation - I used to think I was going to be part of that special 5%, but now I'm not even sure I'll graduate.

I've been attending therapy for little over a year, but so far I'm not sure I've made any real progress. I have a god rapport with my therapist, but outside a couple of realizations I'm pretty much in the exact same place I was when I first sought treatment. I went to a psychiatrist and was on Wellbutrin for a few months, but I became less and less thorough with it because I saw practically no effect outside of a really dry mouth.

By now my life has pretty much reduced to going to school (when I manage to get out of bed) and being stuck in front of the computer for hours. The saddest thing? Some of the time I'm literally just stuck in front of the computer. Not doing anything, just sitting there like a zombie staring at my desktop. Outside of masturbation I don't think I get any enjoyment from anything. I used to enjoy drawing, but now I cal barely draw two lines together before growing bored of it. My sleep schedule is a mess, too.

But I think what's bringing me down the most is having practically no scoial interactions, at all. Even when I'm on the computer, I'm not going on online communities, or chatting, or even playing games with other people. I'm always alone. Mostly I think I feel too ashamed of what a ****ing mess my life is right now that I'm too embarrassed to allow anyone to tale a look at what I'm turning into. But even if it wasn't that, I'm not sure I even want to be around other people anymore. I grow bored of people just as easily and quickly as I grow bored of everything else. I'm uncomfortable with anyone who tries to approach me. I tried to shake up my routine a bit in order to force myself into social situations I wouldn't be too uncomfortable with - mostly joining drawing classes and such - but it was no use. I didn't get along with anybody, I just exchanged the minimum amount of words necessary not to look like a freak and then just kept on doing things on my own. I hate being like this.

I see a lot of promise in you. Getting admission in to a law school is difficult which you have done. Can you try to see a different therapist and a psychiatrist.
Please go thru referrals. Ask your General practioner to recommend one.
Or please check with someone in this group.

I think you are lacking concentration. Can you first try to try read story books, nonfiction books and fiction books to see whether you are able to grasp it first.
Join a public library.Select books from bestseller.

Join a gym and exercise.

Watch good/inspirational movies and see if you are able to concentrate.

Even though you might not be interested try to force yourself to do it.

Do you speak with your relatives. If not start with speaking with them.

There might be groups in your area which meet face to face for people suffering
From depression. Join those groups first.you can get to know some good psychiatrists from them also.

I am 43 and I messed up my life And I am disabled for life because
Of my illness. You work hard and I am sure you will succeed.

Please go through some motivational quotes like from Hellen Keller etc.

Are you getting good sleep.

Do you believe in a higher power. If yes try to develop stronger
Faith.

Also try to meditate which will improve your concentration.

Hello & Welcome, Ahueonao. Have you known anything other than school and studies?

You ARE making progress! Life isn't about the outcome it's about the journey... I might suggest you visit the psychiatrist again, there are many options you haven't explored yet. Take good care of yourself and treat yourself with kindness and compassion during this difficult time. I believe in you, you are AMAZING!

Hello, Ahueonao. Thanks for writing your post. I'll bet you're going to get LOTS of advice. I'm going to give some. It's based on my own experience with depression. Mine started when I was 25 and I'm now in my early 50s. (I haven't been depressed that whole time.)

Because the symptoms you're describing are so pervasive and because of the sleep disturbance you mention, it really sounds like you need antidepressant medication and something to fix your sleep problems (sometimes that can be an antidepressant - I'm taking 7.5 mg mirtazipine for sleep problems right now, and it's helping tremendously.)

You might think about whether you should find a new therapist. Each therapist uses different methods for treatment, plus they have different personalities, so it's a matter of trying until you find one that can help you.

For a few months, I'd say that the more therapy (individual, group therapy, online therapy) you can do, the better. There's an online "free talk" site with trained listeners that I keep meaning to try that I have heard good things about. It's called 7 cups of tea.

I experienced a long depression that I just started to come out of about three months ago. I started getting better when I started going to therapy and when I was prescribed the med that is helping my sleep get back to normal.

There is a long list of other things that help depression, like eating well and exercising, and taking certain nutritional supplements, but you may not feel able to concentrate on that sort of thing until you start to feel a bit better. If you have access to a holistic physician, I would recommend seeing one.

Oh, I forgot to add - see a regular doctor to get checked for medical conditions that can cause depression like thyroid disease, anemia, low vitamin D3 or B12 levels, etc. if you can. The chance that you have one of those conditions may be low if you're young and healthy, but at the same time, if you do have one of them, your depression probably won't respond to antidepressants.

I hope you'll post again at this forum. I started coming to it last winter. Besides gaining useful information about my mental health conditions, watching so many people struggle with their mental health has helped me somewhat to move from feeling really passive to wanting to try harder to get better.

Good luck!

Hi ahueonao,

That's quite a clear and eloquent description of your situation and it sounds very familiar to me. Here are some notes that you may find explain WHY you feel that way, how you got there, what the underlying mechanism is and what to do about it:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

I think it's a very good idea to check for physical or nutritional issues too. Here's what I think is the best overall plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

You're reaching out for help, trying to get across to others how you are feeling and tha's a place to start. A psychatrist or GP might be able to find medication that can help, or run tests to see if there might be a physical cause. Have you tried to express to your family your friend or even your professors just how bad you are feeling? There might be a way if you get a diagnosis to get a medical leave or extension of some sort, get yourself well and the try again.

I'm considering switching therapists. Mostly it seems like a hassle because at the very least I've established a good relationship with my current one, and it's gonna be months of developing that bond of trust all over again. It seems like adding yet another waste of time to the pile.

Previously (up to about a couple of years ago) I would usually read or watch movies or TV, or play games instead of doing whatever I should be doing. Currently I can't even do those things. I can't concentrate enough to sit through an episode of a TV show. I can't read a single page in one sitting, even if it's a book I thought I was interested in reading.

I got a year-long membership for a nearby gym last year (or the year before that, can't remember). Working out never really helped me feel better, and by the end of it it was simply helping me feel guilty and irresponsible for not going as often as I should, and (again) feeling like I had wasted my time and money.

I don't have a particularly close relationship with any of my relatives, even though I live with them. They're not bad people but they're all stuck inside their own little worlds. I've never been able to relate to them on a meaningful level.

I'm not sleeping well. I consider it a grand achievement when I manage to go to bed before 2AM, even on school nights. I often sleep less than 5 hours a day, except on some holidays and weekends, where I tend to grossly oversleep. I sporadically try to fix my schedule by going to bed on time, it tends not to last more than a couple days.

I've never had a job. Recently I've started sending resumes and applying for jobs published through my college's portal - usually for part-time paralegals or whatever the english term is. Considering I'm taking a lot of courses this semester (and will have to keep doing so if I want any chance of graduating on time) it's unlikely any other job will fit into my schedule.
With a couple of exceptions (all of which I gave up on rather quickly), I've never had a social circle related to anything outside of school.

I tried the 7cot page, as I also tried a similar one before (blahtherapy). I'd blow off some steam listening to other people's problems, and sometimes even managed to give well-received advice, but never had any luck when I was the one seeking advice. Stating my situation over and over only serves to make me even more anxious, and I just can't bring myself to take any advice sent my way as anything other than platitudes and empty phrases. To me it's completely meaningless having people say "Well, I believe in you!" or "you can do it!". When told at somebody you literally know nothing about and have been in conversation with for less than five minutes, it sounds phony. I usually just quit the chat in frustration.

Last session with my therapist we discussed looking into group therapy options. I think I'll wait and see how that works out before deciding whether or not to change therapists.

I think I ruled out relevant medical conditions some time ago - at least it's not a thyroid thing.

My eating habits are somewhat on the poor side. just like with my sleep schedule, I sporadically try to fix them (mostly by counting calories and trying to stick to a healthy but not too restrictive menu) but I rarely follow through for more than a week. I give up on most things easily.

This all sounds very familiar. My life was in really poor state in the past years and I was embarrassed of it. What helped me lately is working on my social life mostly. Things like calling the few friends more often to meet up, joining a support group for social skills, starting conversations with neighbors etc.. I understand that it's not easy when you're severely depressed and you think that your life sucks.

maybe you also have sleep apnea?

I'm scheduled to have some exams on my nose and breathing (I might have a deviated septum, and I do snore a lot), I'll ask if I might have sleep apnea. But I don't recall my sleep being interrupted, usually.