[Walking Man]

I have epilepsy and a history of depression.

I'm in a difficult place and am depressed. Right now, I have to do things like find a job, move, etc. but all I want to do is curl up alone in my room. It's even harder because of circumstances since Christmas. I got a bad herniated disk, which put me in constant severe pain. I had to drop out of school. School was my last ditch effort at getting a career. I have a master's degree, but nothing has gone right. So, I was trying to get a vocational certificate. I couldn't stand up straight, nobody would give me enough pain meds, and it was terrible. There was more than two months of this. I wasn't able to do anything (including sleep) until I had back surgery. Then after surgery I had to take it easy, and was still in bed most of the time. This whole time I was literally alone.

When I started to feel better from surgery I got depressed (I was in too much pain before to think about anything else). Then, a few weeks ago I was in the hospital again for Epilepsy Monitoring (it's a test). I was in for 11 days. I wasn't allowed out of bed unless someone was there for safety reasons. The whole thing went fine, and really wasn't that big of a deal. The problem was that I was in bed again, didn't have to do anything, and people were taking care of me. I felt lousy toward the end, but I was happy being there. I didn't have to be alone and people were looking after me. I need someone to look after me.

When I got home, I couldn't handle it. I felt so alone. I spent a week doing some negative coping behavior (I've stopped). Now I have to take care of all these things in my life that would be stressful under the best circumstances, but I can't handle it. I'm trying, but afraid I can't do it. I have never been able to support myself. Until now I was living on school loans. I have to get a job and support myself. There is no other option. At the same time, I am convinced that I can't do that. I don't think I could do it when I was well, but now I'm depressed and have a hurt back.

I've been more or less bedridden since Christmas, and now I'm supposed to just jump up and do a whole bunch of stuff I can't face.

I'm really, really, hurting. What should I do to get help? My plan was to move then get a counselor, but that seems so far from here, and by then the worst of it will be over. I'm in town this week where the hospital is. I had a test today. When I was done I went to see the social worker about what will happen with my medical coverage when I start working. I tried to tell her what was going on with me mentally, and kind of did, but I wanted to just burst out crying. I'm so afraid. I need someone. I'm not always a mess, but I need some help.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Walking Man

I have epilepsy and a history of depression.

I'm in a difficult place and am depressed. Right now, I have to do things like find a job, move, etc. but all I want to do is curl up alone in my room. It's even harder because of circumstances since Christmas. I got a bad herniated disk, which put me in constant severe pain. I had to drop out of school. School was my last ditch effort at getting a career. I have a master's degree, but nothing has gone right. So, I was trying to get a vocational certificate. I couldn't stand up straight, nobody would give me enough pain meds, and it was terrible. There was more than two months of this. I wasn't able to do anything (including sleep) until I had back surgery. Then after surgery I had to take it easy, and was still in bed most of the time. This whole time I was literally alone.

When I started to feel better from surgery I got depressed (I was in too much pain before to think about anything else). Then, a few weeks ago I was in the hospital again for Epilepsy Monitoring (it's a test). I was in for 11 days. I wasn't allowed out of bed unless someone was there for safety reasons. The whole thing went fine, and really wasn't that big of a deal. The problem was that I was in bed again, didn't have to do anything, and people were taking care of me. I felt lousy toward the end, but I was happy being there. I didn't have to be alone and people were looking after me. I need someone to look after me.

When I got home, I couldn't handle it. I felt so alone. I spent a week doing some negative coping behavior (I've stopped). Now I have to take care of all these things in my life that would be stressful under the best circumstances, but I can't handle it. I'm trying, but afraid I can't do it. I have never been able to support myself. Until now I was living on school loans. I have to get a job and support myself. There is no other option. At the same time, I am convinced that I can't do that. I don't think I could do it when I was well, but now I'm depressed and have a hurt back.

I've been more or less bedridden since Christmas, and now I'm supposed to just jump up and do a whole bunch of stuff I can't face.

I'm really, really, hurting. What should I do to get help? My plan was to move then get a counselor, but that seems so far from here, and by then the worst of it will be over. I'm in town this week where the hospital is. I had a test today. When I was done I went to see the social worker about what will happen with my medical coverage when I start working. I tried to tell her what was going on with me mentally, and kind of did, but I wanted to just burst out crying. I'm so afraid. I need someone. I'm not always a mess, but I need some help.

Hi Walking Man,

I don't have a clue about epilepsy, but I have some good stuff for you for depression. See these notes

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

and this for a general plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

Are you in Michigan? I like your avatar.

LLAP - vital

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Hello, there!

I had a run with the disk. It was not, by all means, as severe as yours, but it did stop my life for a week.

You have a master's degree, and to me that is the definition of getting things right! :hug But you have gone through something that broke you, which is the feeling of helplessness and the fact that nobody seemed to care when you felt that, right? Are you planning on seeing a therapist? Even if you have one, I suggest you should go there, and have a talk therapy, and find a solution or gain a better understanding of your situation. And there's nothing wrong with crying and letting things out of your chest! I'm so glad that you shared with us your story, because that is you making the first step into getting help!

I wish you all the luck in the world, and remember that you are not alone! We're all here for you

[wa(o)rrior]

Hi Friend

I can understand your anxiety about your future. you are afraid that you can't do things because you have no motivation or energy. so your primary step is to identify what interests you now. if watching a comedy lifts your spirit try watching more of it. try to do things that are fun. start slowly. reach out to someone who really cares for you.

[hard2smile]

Dear Walking Man,
I am truly sorry that you are having such a tough time. I cannot even imagine what it is like to suffer chronic pain. I do know what it is like to endure the post treatment care withdrawal following a prolonged illness. After completing two years of cancer treatment and becoming physically whole again, I had a tough time (still am, years later) resuming life in the mist of psychological and financial aftermath. I can relate to struggling to cope, all alone, in the mist of overwhelmingly trying circumstances.

No easy answers, it's an humbling and tough journey. I do encourage you to seek a qualified, honest, non judging, nurturing someone to whom you can confide. Your task list is quite daunting especially whem you attempt to tackle all at once. Perhaps talking things over with someone can help you find a new perspective, connect you with social services resources, or at best provide an outlet to relieve some of the mental exhaustion from keeping this burden to yourself.

I can attest that it is a struggle to get back on track when a crisis (especially a series of misfortune) derails aspirations for a healthy and fulfilling existence. What I am slowly discovering is that in our surviving the hardships, we are much stronger than we think. The tricky part is flipping that mental switch. I am gradually (agonizingly) progressing towards this outcome with the help of a therapist and revamping my coping skills toolbox . It is also important to not isolate but keep reaching out for healthy, positive, and edifying connections with others.

Stay determined, be encouraged, and know that "you are not alone at being alone." Find esteem in even the smallest accomplisments (I used to celebrate being able to sit in a chair for 30 min when treatment had me bedridden)

After the darkness, the daylight seems so much brighter.