[Caveman]

I was born with Asperger Syndrome, OCD & ADHD.
This is my curse and my burden.

Additionaly, the lonliness I'm going through because of my Aspergers makes me depressed because everyone desires love and intimacy.
I'm afraid of love, but I also desire it at the same time. I know that I can't have a relationship because I'm to diffrent and complicated,
and it's a painfull truth that I've learnt to accept.

I'm cursed to live my whole life locked up in a apartment, alone and afraid. I'm currently 18 years old, it's been 5 years since I fell into a dark and lonely hole.
I pushed away the friends I had and havn't let anyone else in since. I feel like for everyday that goes by, I fall further and futher down in this depressing hole, and
after 5 years i've fallen so deep that I'm starting to lose sight of the light.

I'm afraid of going insane. One day, there will be voices in my head to keep me commpany. This curse is a disease that is slowly killing me, one day I will hit the
bottom of that hole and I'm afraid of what demons might be waiting for me down there. It's making me numb.

There's no fixing me.

I'm just a boy with no future and no hope. All I can do is wait for death, and hope for a better afterlife. For whatever I did in my past life, I'm sorry.

[wa(o)rrior]

Hi Friend

Please don't say you don't have hope because it is hope that has brought you to this forum. you hope there will be some respite in here. you are a spiritual person who believes your doing in past life put you in this sorry state. but what are you willing to do in this life that can offer you a best life in the next. help others who are in pain and suffering. for starters visit this forum and share your hugs regularly. can you do it?

[Revu2]

Caveman, let people have a chance again. Everything you need to leave your cave begins with your desire to overcome those labels and find new ones: friend, comrade, partner, learner, teacher, leader.

Study one skill and break it down into very small units. Asperger's syndrome, as I understand it, means you are very, very good at many academic subjects, it's the social and interactive "subjects" that you now will set about learning, practicing, and ultimately mastering.

Friendship, for example, requires a set of skills. One skill is responding to a direct interest in you or what you know by another person.

Person: Gee, you're really good at mental math.

What just happened? This is an opening move, like in chess, now it's your move. There are many moves available to you.

You: [sit up and look at person, smile]. Thanks, and yes, I like how equations work.
or
You: (knodding, smiling) Thank you. Are your good at math, too, or something else?

Remember, life is mostly a mix of skill sets, and you have many strong ones already that can be put to use to learn the rest.

Start slow and celebrate small gains in skill,

Revu2

[Caveman]

I believe my biggest skill is compassion and perfection. I'm that guy who would give my last piece of food for the month to my dog if I was homeless. I always put others infront of myself, animal or human. I'm not very good at any academic subjects, because of my ADHD and Aspergers I had a really hard time learning in school, my intressts were narrow and I couldn't conentrate or consume facts easily that I weren't intrested in.

I have been thinking of becoming a therapist, to help people in the future that are in my current state, but I must first be whole before I can help others become whole, but I don't think that I will ever become whole. If I can't even fix myself then how am I supposed to be able to fix others.

I know how to socialize, but to me it's all fake and I despise it. I don't really care if the other guy is good at math or not, so why ask? That's how a Aspergers mind works, and so they instead decide to stay quiet or they may push the words out just to be polite. I do believe that I am very intelligent, not in a academic perspective but the overall intelligence, and I believe that it puts me in a higher state of awareness of the world then a normal person would be. But it's not a gift, it's a curse. I don't collide and interact with others, I go right through them because to me everyone and everything is so transparent.

Thanks guys, I will keep coping and fighting.

[wa(o)rrior]

Whoa! you almost sound like a polygraph, just joking . but i can understand what you are trying to say. your senses are heightened and you can take in the smallest cues about the person in front of you, even if he doesn't say or do anything.

[Idiot17]

((((Caveman))))

[Caveman]

I had this talk with one of my online friends. He is a special one, always messaging me and asking how I'm doing.

I told him: "I despise people, but at the same time I desire them".
He said: "The desire for them is in your heart, but it's your mental disabilities that makes you depise them.".

These mental disabilities really are like a curse as they battle to control
my heart, but I will fight back one day and then we'll see who's cursed.
I will controll my disabilties one day, whether that be in this life or the
afterlife.

The battle inside, coming to you this year in november (epic voice).

[Lika Li]