[RenouncedTroglodyte]

I told you how I wanted to be good and that I'm reshaping myself, well that's not the case anymore, that was just some sort of excitement filled with energy that is now long gone.

Depression is stronger than me, and I lost hope almost completely. I can't get off my bed, and I'm wishing to have something worse to happen to me other than depression. I lately have been wishing to be bipolar, which is weird, but I want people to feel more sorry towards me, and probably just share their pain to show that I'm really going through something, not just a silly sadness episode, or that I really do have a reason for acting so weird. I don't think that the closest person to me loves me anymore. I just keep being annoying and just forever complaining about my depression without stopping, and I probably will lose that person because of this behavior, and that's one of the reasons why I'm so depressed right now. To make it worse, I'm afraid of meds, because they seem to do more harm than good with all those side effects.

I have an exam today and I barely even studied. That happened this entire Summer course, because I haven't been happy the entire period, and just so sad and I don't know why. I seem to be welcoming bad grades too, and it seems that I just want this semester to end so that I can finally be left alone with no interruptions. I already missed two quizzes in one subject, with more than 7 absences of the total nine, not to mention the other two subjects as well.

I'm dying, completely lifeless.

I just give up. I tried to feel happy again, and I failed miserably. I really want someone close to me so I could lean on him/her and just cry on their shoulder. I want that so bad and I'm so afraid to ask for it

[Crazy Hitch]

I know what it feels like to be where you're at.

I've been there in the past too.

I know it's just words when you feel this way, but I want you to know that we do care about you.

Please feel free to post as little or as often as you like. We're here to listen.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

I know what it feels like to be where you're at.

I've been there in the past too.

I know it's just words when you feel this way, but I want you to know that we do care about you.

Please feel free to post as little or as often as you like. We're here to listen

Thank you Hooligan

I just need someone next to me that I can be so open with and just share with him/her until I cry on her/his shoulder. I don't have any people like that at home If they do it, it will be just to calm me down, but they still won't understand the frustration, and will talk more than just listen to me.

What's brining me down even more is the fact that I know that there are other people right now who are having a worse day than mine, even a much worse life than mine, which means that I'm just a complaining machine that only wants to take and not give.

[Living Dead Guy]

Just because someone else is having a crappier day doesn't invalidate yours.

We are here to talk, but I understand the need to do it in person. Perhaps you can grab someone and tell them you need to talk, you don't need them to talk, they are just there to listen and give hugs. If all else fails pets are the greatest listeners and although they don't give hugs dogs will cheer you up with a good licking.

Don't have a pet visit the Humane Society.

Anyway hope you feel better soon.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by Living Dead Guy

Just because someone else is having a crappier day doesn't invalidate yours.

We are here to talk, but I understand the need to do it in person. Perhaps you can grab someone and tell them you need to talk, you don't need them to talk, they are just there to listen and give hugs. If all else fails pets are the greatest listeners and although they don't give hugs dogs will cheer you up with a good licking.

Don't have a pet visit the Humane Society.

Anyway hope you feel better soon.

Thank you so much

I am feeling a little bit better, to a near "fine" degree. I can grab people and just talk to them, but I want a more special kind of people to grab, you know? The only special person I know is not even in my country. And that person is the greatest listener in the world, and has a big love for wisdom, so very smart even.

[hpocus]

My "emotional doppelganger" lives approximately 300 km from the exact opposite side of the planet from me, which is what makes it safe. 12 hour time difference. It's rough.

[annoyedgrunt84]

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. Does your campus have a counseling service? Can you call your family? It might be time to put aside your fears about medications and give them a try.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by annoyedgrunt84

I'm so sorry you are feeling so down. Does your campus have a counseling service? Can you call your family? It might be time to put aside your fears about medications and give them a try.

Thank you so much

Our counseling service, as I understand it, is just there for academic purposes. I can't talk to anybody right now, not even my family, because of the reasons I mentioned in another post. I want to explode but I can't, I just don't know what to do

I felt good a few moments ago, but I'm down again because I'm super concerned about someone, my very best friend is feeling down and I just didn't help.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Renounced,

Although I am sorry you're struggling welcome back
And with "I tried and failed", a lot more emphasis on the TRIED there, hey??!!
You did manage to try and that was fantastic!!
It's just that sometimes depression came come in ebbs and flows, so I don't even think you've failed, more about it hasn't finished/you haven't quite made it yet.
But keep trying, just maybe lower those expectations of yourself a little for now?? Sometimes when things are real bad even very small achievements are big successes.
So yes, don't go underselling what you're going through/coping with.........depression is a million miles away from "silly sadness", and you have every reason already to deserve people being kind, caring, compassionate.......towards you
And your concerns about pushing your friend away by being "annoying" or "complaining", well I haven't once agreed with you on that yet, right??!!
So maybe she isn't seeing you that way either??
Sometimes depression can have us thinking/believing the very worse of ourselves, yet from the outside/outside of those thoughts/feelings can be a completely different picture.
But..........if you are really worried then maybe you could share more things with us?? Not at all saying don't share that much with her, but maybe there are some things it may help to share on here a little more???
Try to "balance" how much you're helping your friend though, if she's feeling down........sometimes it can actually really help a lot to help someone else, but there can be times/limits where it can pull you back to feeling............too, just a bit of self monitoring on that, hey??
Because sometimes there's only so much you can do, and you matter too!!!
And sending you (more!!) hugs:


Alison

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Renounced,

Although I am sorry you're struggling welcome back
And with "I tried and failed", a lot more emphasis on the TRIED there, hey??!!
You did manage to try and that was fantastic!!
It's just that sometimes depression came come in ebbs and flows, so I don't even think you've failed, more about it hasn't finished/you haven't quite made it yet.
But keep trying, just maybe lower those expectations of yourself a little for now?? Sometimes when things are real bad even very small achievements are big successes.
So yes, don't go underselling what you're going through/coping with.........depression is a million miles away from "silly sadness", and you have every reason already to deserve people being kind, caring, compassionate.......towards you
And your concerns about pushing your friend away by being "annoying" or "complaining", well I haven't once agreed with you on that yet, right??!!
So maybe she isn't seeing you that way either??
Sometimes depression can have us thinking/believing the very worse of ourselves, yet from the outside/outside of those thoughts/feelings can be a completely different picture.
But..........if you are really worried then maybe you could share more things with us?? Not at all saying don't share that much with her, but maybe there are some things it may help to share on here a little more???
Try to "balance" how much you're helping your friend though, if she's feeling down........sometimes it can actually really help a lot to help someone else, but there can be times/limits where it can pull you back to feeling............too, just a bit of self monitoring on that, hey??
Because sometimes there's only so much you can do, and you matter too!!!
And sending you (more!!) hugs:


Alison

Thank you so very very much, Alison

I can't begin to count how many times you made me smile. I wish you have someone as helpful towards you as you are to me And I actually did manage some little stuff. I talked about weight gain, and I'm actually losing some, I lost 3 kg, which is little, but something at least. And my friend, she's beyond the word helpful, she's a refuge, my biggest source of happiness when it comes to me being depressed. I just don't want to cause my best friend any harm, that's all. What I'm going through right now, is a sense of helplessness, me not being able to talk with my family, not being able to help myself, and so much more that is caused by the act of giving up.

I do feel better though, but I'm still feeling numb and not rady to get out of my room and see faces.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Renounced,

Well, really well done on that "little" stuff you managed to achieve!!!
With depression sometimes "little" achievements which you wouldn't otherwise have accomplished, can take a lot out of you. A lot more than you might think/expect. But just don't lose sight of what you have done.
Maybe right now your body/mind are saying "enough!!!", but that doesn't need to mean that you can't start pushing those boundaries again when you're able to. And maybe just a little bit further when the time comes. Perhaps some focus on "pacing" yourself might help then as well???

And the feeling of helplessness...........so common in depression
It's not "just" that in not being able to talk to your family though, is it?? From what you've said they haven't seemed that understanding of depression before........but maybe if you could try telling them just a little????
And..........."...........not being able to help myself, and so much more that is caused by the act of giving up".............but you are helping yourself, you aren't giving up
You're talking to us on here, right?? You're reaching out for understanding, help, support, right?? Now those are massive steps to take!!!
So good on you Renounced!!!!
Be real proud of yourself for that "little" stuff you managed to achieve, and for coming back to us now when you're needing to!!!



Alison

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by Frankbtl

Hi Renounced,

Well, really well done on that "little" stuff you managed to achieve!!!
With depression sometimes "little" achievements which you wouldn't otherwise have accomplished, can take a lot out of you. A lot more than you might think/expect. But just don't lose sight of what you have done.
Maybe right now your body/mind are saying "enough!!!", but that doesn't need to mean that you can't start pushing those boundaries again when you're able to. And maybe just a little bit further when the time comes. Perhaps some focus on "pacing" yourself might help then as well???

And the feeling of helplessness...........so common in depression
It's not "just" that in not being able to talk to your family though, is it?? From what you've said they haven't seemed that understanding of depression before........but maybe if you could try telling them just a little????
And..........."...........not being able to help myself, and so much more that is caused by the act of giving up".............but you are helping yourself, you aren't giving up
You're talking to us on here, right?? You're reaching out for understanding, help, support, right?? Now those are massive steps to take!!!
So good on you Renounced!!!!
Be real proud of yourself for that "little" stuff you managed to achieve, and for coming back to us now when you're needing to!!!



Alison

Thank you Alison

It does give me some hope and confidence that I actually achieved something in so little time, but my depression has other layers to it other than the inability to succeed, as any other depressed person. I actually feel much more down when I think that other people are suffering more than I am, and I'm not sure that suffering is the correct word for my condition. Some people are depressed because of abuse, which is a much more valid reason than mine.

[Frankbtl]

Hi Renounced,

Yes, you're right...........and success can sometimes be meaningless in the face of depression, but for you it has actually been a bit of a breakthrough, right?? You managed to "prove it wrong"

And, you don't need a valid reason to be depressed
It is what it is, you don't have to earn the right, and it doesn't discriminate.
And if something hurts, it hurts........comparing pain doesn't just make it evaporate, it's still real. It still matters/you still matter.
In my eyes I would hope that there could be the right support there for everyone who needs it (I know that isn't necessarily possible, but...........a dream), whatever pain they're feeling, whatever the reasons.
Everyone matters, wherever they are on the scale/s..........including you Renounced!!!

Alison

[waterknob1234]

Hi Renounced,

I am sorry you are going thru so much pain. I know what if feels like to try and fail. I know what it feels like to feel overwhelmed and helpless. I think lots of this goes along with depression. Depression makes us look down on ourselves too.

It may be that you have to slow things down for a while with school, to make it manageable for you. And congratulations with losing some weight, if that is something you are trying to do. I do hope for you to feel better soon. Keep us posted. Love and hugs to you.

[RenouncedTroglodyte]

Originally Posted by waterknob1234

Hi Renounced,

I am sorry you are going thru so much pain. I know what if feels like to try and fail. I know what it feels like to feel overwhelmed and helpless. I think lots of this goes along with depression. Depression makes us look down on ourselves too.

It may be that you have to slow things down for a while with school, to make it manageable for you. And congratulations with losing some weight, if that is something you are trying to do. I do hope for you to feel better soon. Keep us posted. Love and hugs to you.

Thank you so much

I am feeling much better, now that I sleep a little, but I'm still feeling bad in a sense, because I'm recovering from a major depressive episode that lasted very long. And, I really don't have any other ways to slow down with school. I did what I could, but I can't do anything anymore but wait until the Summer course is finished.