[Killian Hook]

Sorry to bring my guilt and shame up again, but the Jolly Roger is taking on lots of water and I am drowning in emotions.

I deal with a lot of shame over something, every moment of every day.

A friend and I got in a fight over a year ago. We both said very regrettable and hurtful things, and now this friend will no longer speak to me.

I wish I could just pick a lane and stay in it. I am angry about what happened, but I feel so much guilt over what I said and what I did in reaction to it. I can't make a move towards taking care of either emotion. When I try to deal with the hurt and the anger, I get depressed because I know I did so many bad things. When I try to deal with the guilt, it hurts so much, I get angry, anxious and defensive. I fake my way through every interaction with my family and friends. I can usually pretend to be happy and laugh with others, but not always. The anger is actually spilling over into my other relationships now.

What do I do, since I can't make any amends to my friend? I am not so much obsessed with this person, but setting things to rights HAS become an obsession, which I can't do anything about because communication is impossible.

Any ideas?

Thanks

Killian

[waterknob1234]

Hi Killian Hook

It sounds like you have no way to communicate with this old friend. If you have tried to apologize and make amends via phone, e-mail, snail mail I am not sure what else you can do. All you can do is try to apologize and forgive. I understand the pain, shame and depression hangs over you.

I don't know what your spiritual beliefs are but if you can ask forgiveness from God as you know Him, God can forgive. Unfortunately, people are not as good at forgiving. I know you feel remorse and regret, but I can also see that at some point you will need to move on as well.

My heart goes out to you and I pray you find peace.

[vital]

Originally Posted by Killian Hook

...
What do I do, since I can't make any amends to my friend? I am not so much obsessed with this person, but setting things to rights HAS become an obsession, which I can't do anything about because communication is impossible.

Any ideas?

Thanks

Killian

Hi Killian,

I do have an idea about this. I think that this is the giant sneaky trick of depression at work. Obsessing about this person is a problem, but it is a problem that, by it's nature, hides the underlying cause. I think that you have an underlying problem that doesn't have anything to do with the person you are obsessing about or what you did wrong or whether your feelings are justified or even whether your perceptions are correct. Have a look an see if this makes sense to you

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

- vital

[Fuzzybear]

[Frankbtl]

Hi Killian Hook,

Sounds like you're trying to deal with a lot of things right now.......the loss of your friend, the guilt, the depression and all the other things that go along with it

But what you said at the time well......"We both said very regrettable and hurtful things".......it wasn't just you, it was a combination of things, right??
And you know, some friendships can stay strong through/despite so much.........it more sounds that this friendship maybe wasn't as strong as it could have been??
So do you think that now might be a good time to focus on friendships/relationships that really/could really matter in your life?? Try not to let that past friendship take those away from you??
And the faking your way through.......pretending to be happy..........you know maybe if you let out the way you're actually feeling to some of those people they might want to know, to be there for you, do you think??

And as for not being able to make amends.........well I'd say you still need some kind of closure........so maybe write a letter (even if you can't send it) saying how you feel, maybe do something like donating to a charity they might have had an interest in even to signify how you feel, maybe something in their honour like "a random act of kindness" just something/anything to help you a little with closure.

And some work on forgiving yourself, of course
The things you did/said probably weren't ALL ABOUT hurting that person............maybe you felt hurt, maybe there were things in your life.........
And you're clearly a very caring person deep down for this to be bothering you so much........so perhaps now is about time you turned that in on yourself and gave yourself some forgiveness, do you think??



Alison

[Killian Hook]

Thanks to all for the support and encouragement. This has been a nightmare to work through.

Some very good ideas here, things not even my therapist and the rest of my care team have come up with! I am going to come back and re read this tonight. When I have a little more time.