This sucks

i feel like EVERYTHING i do, i'm doing it wrong, or annoying someone, or not doing it good enough. i feel like no one wants me around, even on here, i don't reply to people coz i feel they don't want my opinions or support. i havn't been going out even though i have an amazing group of friends unless i'm with on eo fmy 2 best mates (but one of them is scared to come out because of certain people. which makes me feel even more useless because i cna't help her) and i feel i'm annoying the other mate coz i sorta follow her around all night coz i don't wanna speak to anyone else because i feel they don't want to speak to me. i feel so lonely, even though i know i have at least 2 friends coz they always say they wont leave me, but so did 2 other people, and they left, how can i know that they wont either? i sorta distance myself from them because i'm utterly terrified i'm going to lose them. when i lost my other mates, i lost my band aswell (and that was the only thing i was proud of myself in) and practically my whole life coz i had everything planned with those 2. now i'm just sat here, at 15yo, with ABSALOUTLY NO IDEA what i'm going to do after next school year. i've tried thinking of jobs i could get to keep myself going, but in everything i can htink of i have to talk to people, people i don't know. i shake with fear and nerves just THINKING about talking to people i don't know. what am i going to do in life? i'm SICK and TIRED of sayin i'm okay, coz i am NOT o-ffing-k!! i never have been!! and i'm sick of being too %#@&#! up to function! i watch my friends joke around with each other, have a laugh, have RELATIONSHIPS. don't even get me started on that one! all a relationship is to me is another excuse to have a mental breakdown! i hate myself so much! why me? what did i ever do wrong? apart from breathe? why did the voices in my head have to break me down, then people break me down even further until i'm as %#@&#! up as this? WHY WHY WHY WHY?!!!!

sorry

-steph
xxx

Not sure I have the answers to why...

Just wanted to let you know I read your post and care about you feeling better - even though I really can't find any words of wisdom

Steph..

I have been there often..with no idea where i was going, and feeling like i don't fit in. I feel for you! I know that is hard. Don't give up searching for that place to fit in. Its out there. Sometimes the people in our immediate circle just don't click for us... but that doesnt mean that there isnt some "home" of friends for you. Keep your head up.

Dear Beyond

I care about you! & read all of your post! People here (from all over the world) do care! I think most of us have experienced your same feelings, & you know what you're absolutely right! Sometimes it does suck. But the good news is: it passes! Remember: it's only temporary! it doesn't seem like it at the time I know but tis true. I hope your feeling better real soon.

Dear Redemption -- None of us are beyond redemption, and many of us share your feelings at one time or another. I am sorry you are feeling so low, and I hope you find the light that leads the way out soon.

((((((((((((((((((((((((BR))))))))))))))))))))))))))

thanks guys. your replies mean a lot to me
i just feel like i'm doomed to be alone forever
and i feel like every time i find the light, someone turns out the lights and laughs at me because i seriously thought i could get out
and there's about 20 of us in our group, at weekends there can be up to 40 (usually only in the summer though) and there's new people joining all the time. how can NONE of them click for me?
i just feel so...argh!

((((((((BeyondRedemption)))))))))))

thanks
i think i just need to have a little fun, and i'll maybe feel a bit better
and i'm goin to a good charlotte gig on wednesday, after wating about 3 years to see em live! and if my mood doesn't improve for that i'll be pretty p*ssed off. but we're having lots of red rooster and sugary sweets on the way so should be fine lol
and on 2nd july we're goin to see Pirates of the Carribean 3, then havin an end-of-exams party! alcohol + loud music = the recipe for an awsome night (and i know i'm too young to drink, but meh. it's fun)
i'm hoping after that i'll come out of this shell i've built round myself and have fun
just have to wait and see i suppose

-steph
xxx