[Sirensong18]

Greetings everyone. If you're at all familiar with my old posts that's great, if not that's okay, I'll try to be brief.

I am still trying to work out a better balance to my home life with my husband so that I don't feel so overwhelmed and under stress all the time. I'm working full time, he does not have a real "job", his job is to build us a boat so we can travel the world and find a new place to live and raise our kids (we're not big fans of America right now.) Hubby and I have been having issues with sex stuff lately - namely he wants more, I want less.

So. We were having a good long talk the other day about our sex lives, and our lives in general. I tried to express how the condition of the house (dirty/messy) makes me all stressed out, and how there are simply not enough hours in the day to get everything (including sex) done. I've been asking for him to pitch in and do more around the house, and he has... to a point. He does dishes on a more regular basis now, and he has been cooking more meals for us. But pretty much all the cleaning and upkeep still falls to me.

His reply to my concerns about the house was, "Well, we have to make hay while the sun shines as they say. We're very busy in the Summer what with gardening, boat building, etc. Cleaning the house is a low priority considering all the other things that we need to do. Even if a friend or someone was coming over, they'd give us a few hours notice and that's all we'd really need to make the place nice so you aren't embarrassed. I'm doing a lot more around the house now anyway, so just don't let it bother you."

Am I over reacting to be angry with this, or to think that he completely invalidated my feelings with this statement? Like saying I 'just shouldn't let it bother me' is completely infuriating. I can't choose how I feel, or just ignore it either. I can't feel comfortable or happy in my home if it's constantly filthy and disorganized. How am I supposed to relax, or feel sexy if all I can see is dirt on the floors, a sink full of dirty dishes, a filthy bathroom that needs to be scrubbed from top to bottom, a kitchen table so cluttered that there is no room for food prep anymore, and dirty laundry thrown all over the house?

So now I'm wondering what I can do. I don't know how to broach this subject with him again. I want to express how I feel, without being made to feel that my feelings are invalid. Thanks for any help.

[Crazy Hitch]

I'm sorry to hear that you're going through these challenges!

Depression can definitely lower libido and I'm sorry that there isn't some balance there. Stress doesn't exactly make me in the mood either so I don't think you're alone with that. I'm glad that you had the chance to getting around to having this discussion with your husband.

I guess people have different comfort levels.

Perhaps you can ask him specific things that you would like him to do?

I don't know that he intentionally meant to invalidate your feelings but probably just isn't in your headspace right now and doesn't realise the extent to which this is seriously bothering you.

I've learnt that I can't always control how I feel.

But I can control how I react and my behaviour towards a given situation.

I wouldn't be comfortable living in a disorganised house. No, I would not relax either.

Maybe you can make a list of what things you think need to be done. And sit down together and as a couple decide who is prepared to do what and when?

[lonely-and-sad]

There is I think a limit to how much you can change someone else and a limit to how much you can change yourself. You can change your own life more than the life of others. If you wish to change either they need to be done in small steps and with patience. Changes in behaviour I think can become habit over time. I have some things in common with your other half. But i would prefer a tidy organized house. Small steps for me. I am slowly learning to cook at the moment. I don't have any suggestions on how exactly you get to where you want to be. Maybe the other members can. Just giving some perspective. Good luck.

Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk

[Fizzyo]

I hear your frustration, I get angry when I feel my husband is doing crossword puzzles while I'm doing 'all the work' even though in my case I'm at home in the day due to my illness and he works. I think Hooligan has some good ideas, best of luck. ((((())))) ((((((sirensong))))))

[Sirensong18]

Originally Posted by Hooligan

Perhaps you can ask him specific things that you would like him to do?

I don't know that he intentionally meant to invalidate your feelings but probably just isn't in your headspace right now and doesn't realise the extent to which this is seriously bothering you.

I've learnt that I can't always control how I feel.

But I can control how I react and my behaviour towards a given situation.

I wouldn't be comfortable living in a disorganised house. No, I would not relax either.

Maybe you can make a list of what things you think need to be done. And sit down together and as a couple decide who is prepared to do what and when?

I've actually taken a big white board and charted out all the days of the week on it. I use it to plan meals (so that way we won't have the "whats for dinner" fight anymore), and I also have a list of chores and how often they need to be done (once or twice a week for most of them.) The problem is getting him to follow the program! I keep up with my end, and check off things as they're done, but even if he does a chore (like washing dishes) he doesn't put a check mark on the board. It drives me crazy since this white board thing was his idea originally. Sigh.