[Nicoleresati]

I've been seeing a counselor..I've now been four time over the course of a couple month. I don't really feel I've gotten anywhere, after the second time I got quite a bit out and just felt nasty for days after, and having the fourth time this past Thursday I also got quite a bit out and didn't really feel any kind of way. I have problems controlling my anger I take it out on myself and objects, never people. It's become different lately before I would get upset or anything I would just like hit myself..now I start crying and shaking and just hitting stop like repeatedly begging whatever it is to stop? I used to cut and things like that, burn. I tried marijuana for the first time the day to try and relieve myself of some of my thoughts and to feel better, but it did nothing for me. I put it out on my arm? I also got mad today and hit the windshield. I think I become overwhelmed, but I also took the last 10 pills of mirtazapine I stole..and was really sensitive today's that could also be the problem. The harming myself isn't my main concern. I was having really bad suicidal thought a few years back to the point where I was going to get up out of bed and shoot myself with my dads gun, but I told myself the devil wants me to do this and I just didn't I cried myself to sleep and haven't been that bad since, I had a dream a few nights ago about these 2 girls, they were arguing and one of them was saying "no I don't want to do it" and the other gave her reasons to do it. Next thing I know she jumps over the railing and I hear a loud popping noise, then the other climbs over backwards and I hear two pops. That following night and all through out that day I couldn't stop thinking about it and I would see the girls looking at me, they had distorted evil faces. I was sitting on the edge of my bad arguing with myself about whether this was real life or if I was dreaming and I went into a panic attack I'm guessing and said I thought the devil was talking to me and attached it. I didn't think that I just thought of the devil and went into a panic.I think it's my inner self arguing about suicide..it's become something I just associate everything with. I'm unhappy, and I think it's okay to be unhappy, but I don't know how my counselor is going to make me any happier? My mood can change in an instant..just when I thought I was over it and was content yesterday, today happened. I've also had trouble deciphering reality from dream that's not constant just reoccurring. My moods go from overly laughing, to upset. From being angry, to upset. Then from happy, to no emotion. A lot.

[Fuzzybear]

[vital]

Originally Posted by Nicoleresati

I've been seeing a counselor..I've now been four time over the course of a couple month. I don't really feel I've gotten anywhere, after the second time I got quite a bit out and just felt nasty for days after, and having the fourth time this past Thursday I also got quite a bit out and didn't really feel any kind of way. I have problems controlling my anger I take it out on myself and objects, never people. It's become different lately before I would get upset or anything I would just like hit myself..now I start crying and shaking and just hitting stop like repeatedly begging whatever it is to stop? I used to cut and things like that, burn. I tried marijuana for the first time the day to try and relieve myself of some of my thoughts and to feel better, but it did nothing for me. I put it out on my arm? I also got mad today and hit the windshield. I think I become overwhelmed, but I also took the last 10 pills of mirtazapine I stole..and was really sensitive today's that could also be the problem. The harming myself isn't my main concern. I was having really bad suicidal thought a few years back to the point where I was going to get up out of bed and shoot myself with my dads gun, but I told myself the devil wants me to do this and I just didn't I cried myself to sleep and haven't been that bad since, I had a dream a few nights ago about these 2 girls, they were arguing and one of them was saying "no I don't want to do it" and the other gave her reasons to do it. Next thing I know she jumps over the railing and I hear a loud popping noise, then the other climbs over backwards and I hear two pops. That following night and all through out that day I couldn't stop thinking about it and I would see the girls looking at me, they had distorted evil faces. I was sitting on the edge of my bad arguing with myself about whether this was real life or if I was dreaming and I went into a panic attack I'm guessing and said I thought the devil was talking to me and attached it. I didn't think that I just thought of the devil and went into a panic.I think it's my inner self arguing about suicide..it's become something I just associate everything with. I'm unhappy, and I think it's okay to be unhappy, but I don't know how my counselor is going to make me any happier? My mood can change in an instant..just when I thought I was over it and was content yesterday, today happened. I've also had trouble deciphering reality from dream that's not constant just reoccurring. My moods go from overly laughing, to upset. From being angry, to upset. Then from happy, to no emotion. A lot.

Hi Nicoleresati,

I'm sorry you're having such a tough time. I have a bit of advice that I really hope you'll pay attention to.

** Don't take antidepressants unless they're prescribed to you and don't take bunches at a time depending on how you're feeling. Antidepressants can have serious side effects which might actually be part of what you're experiencing right now. Taking a bunch of them because you're feeling really bad isn't the way they're supposed to be used. **

I'm not totally sure that this is going to help you, but it might. I know its weird, but people sometimes end up with out of control anger from depression. You might want to read these notes and see if it makes any sense to you:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

In general, I think there's some good stuff in your post about trying to understand what's going on in your own head (who knows that better than you, after all?). Keep trying to understand it yourself and keep trying new things that make you feel better. Just the search helps, I think, and if you find one or two things that help, it can be very encouraging. You may get some hints from this plan:

http://forums.psychcentral.com/4262681-post105.html

- vital

[Fizzyo]

Hi sorry life is such a struggle and a roller coaster for you, I relate to some of what you say and really feel for you. If you can, give the counsellor a chance or, if you don't feel safe with this individual, try another. Counselling can be tough and sometimes you do feel worse if you have talked about something particularly relevant to your issues. If you can understand your issues better it may help you to develop strategies which help you to anticipate and cope with some of your feelings and reactions more easily. There aren't always easy answers to distress and 4 weeks is not long to see a result. I hope you can find a way forward and some more hope in your life.
Ps I have had great benefit from some counselling, while other counsellors have been less helpful. I now know the style and approach which is most helpful to me.

[Nicoleresati]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

Hi sorry life is such a struggle and a roller coaster for you, I relate to some of what you say and really feel for you. If you can, give the counsellor a chance or, if you don't feel safe with this individual, try another. Counselling can be tough and sometimes you do feel worse if you have talked about something particularly relevant to your issues. If you can understand your issues better it may help you to develop strategies which help you to anticipate and cope with some of your feelings and reactions more easily. There aren't always easy answers to distress and 4 weeks is not long to see a result. I hope you can find a way forward and some more hope in your life.
Ps I have had great benefit from some counselling, while other counsellors have been less helpful. I now know the style and approach which is most helpful to me.

.
Thanks so much all of you! I saw the counselor again..the fourth times she mentioned medication and said she didn't think I needed it. Now the 5th time she thinks I do. I thought you were supposed to see someone for longer before resorting to that? Is there nothing she can do..if that's what she is suggesting?

[eeyorestail]

Originally Posted by Nicoleresati

.

Thanks so much all of you! I saw the counselor again..the fourth times she mentioned medication and said she didn't think I needed it. Now the 5th time she thinks I do. I thought you were supposed to see someone for longer before resorting to that? Is there nothing she can do..if that's what she is suggesting?

Hi Nicoleresati-- I just read and replied to your other post about the LPC suggesting meds. I said to stand your ground if you felt you didn't need them.

After reading this, however, and seeing that you have had some pretty strong suicidal feelings, I wonder if you would consider them. Meds are often a first line of attack against serious depression that includes suicidal feelings. They can be very helpful with that.

I don't know if you are still living with your dad and if he still owns a gun, but I would also suggest talking with your counselor about a safety plan that includes making the gun totally inaccessible to you.

Please hang in there!

Sent from my iPad using Tapatalk

[vital]

Originally Posted by Nicoleresati

.
Thanks so much all of you! I saw the counselor again..the fourth times she mentioned medication and said she didn't think I needed it. Now the 5th time she thinks I do. I thought you were supposed to see someone for longer before resorting to that? Is there nothing she can do..if that's what she is suggesting?

Hi Nicoleresati,

Your story only makes me think that you have a good counselor who wants to get to understand your situation before immediately recommending something. I don't think that you should be alarmed by what she is suggesting. I would also bring up any concerns you have the next time you see her just to clear the air. I agree with krminnj about making sure you don't have access to your father's gun.

I think that the more you are actively involved in the process of getting better yourself the more likely you are to do well. Keep on trying to understand what's going on in your own head. Keep trying to understand, what to do, what not to do, how you can heal. I'm sure lots of people here will be interested to see how you're doing over time.

- vital