how long can I fight it for...

I often wonder how long I will be able to fight it off. So many times I have thought about how I can end this pain. So many times I have visioned it but every single time I dont. And its not because I have found a slither of hope, nor is it because I wasnt read or because there was light at the end of my tunnel, there is only darkness and it is only going to get darker.

I cant stop my pain, stoping my pain will increase my parents pain. Its not fair that they shold have to loose one child, I wont be the reason they lose two. I will miss my brother every second of every day when the cancer takes him away from us. And words cant even begin to describe how petrified I am of recieving that call. I just dont understand it, why? Why him what did he ever do to deserve a fate so cruel?

I read somewhere once that suicide occurs when pain and suffering out weigh the resources and help. This is true, so very true. I know you can call all these numbers when your feeling like taking your life but, I dont know a single soul whos first traing of thought while wanting to take their life is *oh i wonder what hotline i should call* i can tell you I have never thought of calling a hotline whilst planing to take my life.

I have been to my gp, many times over the many years playing this mind game with myself. They all the say the same thing, your allergies to medicine are just to complex, you will have to deal with your Depression, Anxiety and other Mental Health problems, threw counciling. So you go, to the sessions, you see the docs week after week sometimes 2 times a week. Talking about it doesnt really fix it.

Nothing does. Then its not enought that I am constantly feeling like a worthles piece of garbage, alone with no assistance, talking myself in and out of suicide, fighting with the constant desire to just cease all exsistance, shaking like im on a roller coaster, arguing with myself to get out of bed. I have to thrown in some jealousy, anger and frustration that theres *nothing* to help me, but I can see people struggle with their depression for short periods of time and then go on meds and then it feels like in no time they are pretty much sorted.

Its so frustrating to be jealous of a person who you know is suffering also. I hate myself for thinkging my problems are worse then others. I have always always always wanted to be the non-judgemental person the one who never believes their problems are bigger then anothers.

I just can not see a light at the end of the tunnel anymore, I mean if i feel like this now, how bad is it going to get when he dies? How is it ever going to get better when he is gone, if I wont ever see him again and I am already this messed up?

Dear ifonlyyouknewme,

Having lots of allergies and inflammation is a hot topic in medicine these days and there are lots of people studying the link between inflammation and depression and other mental problems. It's possible that if you found a way to get rid of your inflammation, you depression and anxiety would also improved. This is relatively new stuff, so it might not be in the practice of your MD yet (it's sometimes called "Functional Medicine"). Here's one popular article about it:

How to Stop Attacking Yourself: 9 Steps to Heal Autoimmune Disease - Dr. Mark Hyman

There is much more out there.

- vital

Hi ifyouonlyknewme. I am so sorry you are hurting this much. I hope you can go back to the therapist and that person can help you find some way to fight this horrible affliction of depression. I wish there was some kind of medication you could take although I know that does not always help. Don't compare yourself to others. Each person has a burden to bear in life and our burdens are different. One person's affliction is not necessarily easier or more difficult than another's, just different. I would take a physical illness over a mental illness or depression any day.

I know you are also upset about your brother. It hit me like a ton of bricks when I found out my daddy had liver cancer. It is a lot emotionally to deal with because you love that person dearly. You are in my thoughts and prayers and I wish you the best. Stay safe. Keep posting to us.

I am very sorry you are going through this. I lost my mom to Breast cancer when I was 17. I also have 3 younger siblings the youngest of which was 9 at the time. I know each situation is different, but some things I wished would have been different in my situation were honesty, I wish I would have known exactly what was going on from my parents and the doctors. Having a better understanding on what is going on can make you feel a little more in "control". I wish we would have celebrated her life more, every single day. Trying to make the best of the time you have left and making good memories will make things a bit better. Get involved. In relay for life in some type of walk/run, find people who are in the same situation because support is the best thing to have. Also, never keep you emotions locked away. Speaking from experience, it is the worst thing to do. Cry, scream, get mad, you're allowed to. When the time comes, you will find helping others will help you "heal". I have found this to be true becoming a nurse. All I have suffered has led me to be a more compassionate, caring, empathetic (almost) nurse. He will always be with you, cherish these last days.

I have always been involved in things like relay for life and fundrasing for the cure for cancer. I am lucky in the way that he (my brother and my parents for that matter) do not keep anything from me about his health, condition and what is happening and where he is at with it all. but @ the moment it is a constant battle between myself and my parents. My brother wants to stop treatment because it is not helping him, he will not go into remission and it is making his quality of life very very poor. I can not even pretend to understand how hard it would be for my parents to know they wil loose their son but I just can not understand why he must continue to be put through so much pain and suffering with medication that is not working and only making him sicker. But he wont stop because my parents ask him to just keep trying, He is old enough to be able to make his own choices medically but yet he feels obliged to continue suffering more then he needs to just in case that .01% chance it might give him more time and in his words "too many hearts will break if i stop" but I am of the belif that it shouldnt be about our hearts breaking, it should be about him. at one point or another our hearts are going to break regardless, so why not let him enjoy what little time he has left. and of course my opppinion upsets my parents. I just dont want them to be mad and i dont want him to suffer. is a pitty you cant have it both ways.