[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Just found this on my other forum: objective proof of how utterly worthless I am. Maybe I should just kill myself.

I have a hot body and face, great hair, an unusually high IQ, a good sense of humour and decent social prowess when I feel like it. I made more money as a severely disabled 21 year old girl working 15 hours a week than the average full-time worker in this country, and I intend to continue that trend with my business despite all my setbacks in life. I've survived so much sexual abuse, trauma and neglect that most doctors think I should be heavily medicated, yet I'm extremely sane and level headed. I'm 22 and most businessmen in the area assume I'm 35, although I look 16. Bankers and CEOs have fought over the right to take me on vacations. I'm amazing in bed and can outlast almost any man. I'm also decently domestic and cook well. I can talk to anyone, whether I'm wearing shorts and a t-shirt chatting with construction workers, slacks and heels talking to business executives, or a sleek dress with stilettos talking to the elite. My artwork has been high enough quality to be commissioned by mid-sized businesses since I was 16, my writing has been complimented by some of the nation's top copy writers, and I seem to have a natural gift for management and marketing. Oh, and I have a great singing voice which got me into several elite choirs in high school.

Basically, I'm kinda better than almost everyone. Wonder why I have this weird inferiority complex.

We are the same age. By contrast, I'm useless and incompetent at everything I do, too ugly to even get noticed, and can barely talk to anyone. I'm completely broke and on welfare, and will probably never get off. I have ZERO issues yet am completely neurotic. I have never won anything or been recognized and probably never will. I'm torn between being totally disinterested in sex and being curious but terrified. My inferiority complex is based in objective reality.

I am a piece of garbage - no, lower than that, actually, a filthy, worthless nothing.I absolutely deserve to die and stop wasting resources. I deserve it more than anything else. Look at her, versus me. Who would you choose to allow to live?

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Just found this on my other forum: objective proof of how utterly worthless I am. Maybe I should just kill myself.


We are the same age. By contrast, I'm useless and incompetent at everything I do, too ugly to even get noticed, and can barely talk to anyone. I'm completely broke and on welfare, and will probably never get off. I have ZERO issues yet am completely neurotic. I have never won anything or been recognized and probably never will. I'm torn between being totally disinterested in sex and being curious but terrified. My inferiority complex is based in objective reality.

I am a piece of garbage - no, lower than that, actually, a filthy, worthless nothing.I absolutely deserve to die and stop wasting resources. I deserve it more than anything else. Look at her, versus me. Who would you choose to allow to live?

I misread, she's a year older than I am. Meaningless, but technicalities bother me.

[Fizzyo]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

I misread, she's a year older than I am. Meaningless, but technicalities bother me.

She's probably exaggerating and anyway, she's not in your shoes. You're a fallible human being who, because of your humanity, I believe is worth as much as her or any other human being, whether or not they exaggerate their achievements.
Be kind to yourself, as best as you can, you DO DESERVE IT.

[Fizzyo]

Now I'll tell myself the same thing, it's much easier to believe it for someone else. I will also try to be kind to myself.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

She's probably exaggerating and anyway, she's not in your shoes. You're a fallible human being who, because of your humanity, I believe is worth as much as her or any other human being, whether or not they exaggerate their achievements.

I'm about to be difficult. In my defense, I just spent the last 15 minutes taking this quote and breaking down the (self-deprecating) differences. I almost brought myself to tears

I don't know about exaggerating. I know she used to post a lot about the incrediby wealthy and successful people who fell madly in love with her (which happens rather frequently).

The thing, of course, that hit me the hardest is that she's suffered enormous amounts of abuse and trauma, and is basically fine, if a tad unstable. Contrast me, who's a neurotic mess despite having no problems, no trauma, no abuse, no suffering. She's had multiple mental breakdowns; I once went to the psych ward and wasted everyone's time (according to my mother) because I was afraid I was going to self-harm. She has fibromyalgia (I recall one thread where she said that depression is "mild" compared to fibro, which set off a few people. Except she's been severely depressed, and has self-harmed for real; still nothing compared to fibro, she says. Once again, proof my problems aren't really problems, I'm just too weak and useless to function) and is incredibly successful; I'm perfectly healthy and able-bodied and useless.

People like me have no right to complain, or feel bad at all. Yet I can't help it. And I don't know what to do.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by Fizzyo

Now I'll tell myself the same thing, it's much easier to believe it for someone else. I will also try to be kind to myself.

=)

I can never seem to believe that someone might be exaggerating or lying online. Not kidding: if someone says that no one understands them because they're so brilliant, or talks about how successful they are at everything, I tend to believe it - why would they lie? Doesn't matter if it's a personal interaction or something stumbled on in a listicle (I take these posts rather seriously, for example). I believe it, easily.

Few things set me off like descriptions of seemingly "perfect" people. I've encountered a few of them on that forum alone (but also some really cool people, so I stay).

That said, the physical symptoms are dying down. This will be forgotten by this evening, I'm sure. But typing out online was a nice change.

[Fizzyo]

I know this isn't really for conversations but I do understand a bit. I feel a wimp because others have had bigger trauma than me. Yet I have severe depression. While they seem to cope. I also have ME which is closely related to Fibro and chronic pain from another cause, but pain is a feature of Fibro that is less part of ME.
TO ME THE DEPRESSION IS THE WORST!
I was a physical therapist until I had to retire on health grounds (evidence of a wimp?) and worked with people with severe pain, physical and mental and with profound multiple disabilities. The one thing I learned is that you CANNOT compare one person's suffering with another's and no one knows how much anyone else is suffering. These people also taught me the value of human beings, even if they can't talk, move themselves or even eat they can still bring light to someone.
This lady suffers more with her Fibromyalgia. That may be because she isn't pacing herself properly, we don't know. Fibro is managed by discipline, planning and pacing, not pushing yourself. Her pain is what it is.
In summary, we feel our pain and it's there for a reason and it's as bad as it is. Some people walk on a broken leg, while others feel a sprain is the worst pain they can imagine. They suffer what they suffer. We can learn coping strategies, but we feel what we feel and that's what we have to try and cope with. If your pain is unbearable, then it is, and the fact you're here looking for support is being courageous. Hang on in there.
I'm talking to myself as much as you. ......
I think that was a rant too.

[JohnCrow]

Edit: On a re-read, I am calling BS on most of her story

If I judged myself by my peers' successes I would be really depressed

Wait... I do and I am

Well, poop

I had a friend talk me into checking up on what might have been cancer. I just did not feel it was in society's best interests t bother saving me

Intellectually I know damn well better

Problem is depression does not trigger off logic, it triggers on emotions. Emotions are fast, immediate responses. Evolutionarily, a faster response is better (from a time when emotion responses were mostly "oh, crap, a tiger!")

I can drag myself out of my funks intellectually, eventually

The problem is a rational argument takes time. Logic is built, arguments are set on each other, building the structure

Body doesn't like wasting resources. Better to have the quick emotional response. The problem is our emotions evolved on the African Savannah 250000 years ago and have never really adapted to civilization

Always try to remember that, when your brain says "what's the use" it is a maladaptive response to our mere 5000 years of civilization, our monkey brain trying to cope with input our ancestors were not ready for and we, for the most part, are barely

I think she is a Narcissist.

Do NOT compare yourself to her and feel bad. Everyone is unique, and everyone has something good to feel proud of. Find out what you feel proud of, and nurture it.

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

I think it deserves mention that this quote came from a thread intended for shameless boasting. However, this one was more detailed than the usual "I'm smarter and better than everyone else - it's true!" type responses.

And where it came from is irrelevant. I've been shaken up many times by comments by geniuses and perfect people. It feels like there's something... intellectually dishonest about ignoring the presence of obviously superior people. Like being happy and secure in yourself requires a certain degree of cognitive bias, either lying to yourself or wilfully ignoring facts...

And yeah, I compare almost compulsively. Sometimes without realizing it. I've noticed a new habit of projection becoming more common; I'll see condescension in everything, or even try to speak for a group like "We know we're inferior, and we're sorry for wasting your space." You can imagine how well that goes over. :\ Crazy, it's all crazy.

[OneInBillions]

Sometimes the seeming cruelty of life bothers me too. Especially when I look at something like Facebook and realize all my old "friends" are now married with children, successful careers and everything whereas I'm a 30-year-old failure at life, a kissless virgin with no job, no real friends and no prospects, living in my parents' basement. Some people cannot even comprehend why others think of suicide, whereas I have to talk myself out of it all the time. Some are well-adjusted and successful, while I'm a broken person.

I've come to accept it, albeit grudgingly, as the variety of life. We're all different; it'd be an incredibly boring world if everyone was the same. Unfortunately life isn't fair, and there's no reason to it. It just is. I like to think that everyone has their challenges, but the reality is that some struggle more than others. But then I realize that those who live successful lives don't have to be as strong as I do. Maybe it's petty but I applaud myself for trudging on through so many difficulties that others will never face.

You need to look past the obvious comparison and read between the lines, IMO. There is no light without darkness, and there could be no geniuses without idiots, no successful people without failures. And your ability to live with extra challenges is perhaps even more impressive than the easy success of others, though it will never be as widely known. Give yourself more credit. You have just as much right to live and breathe as any millionaire, celebrity or genius, and don't ever think otherwise!

Oh, and to be totally honest I'd choose to meet you rather than her, or "allow you to live." Why? Because you sound like a much more interesting person. Believe it or not, perfection is actually a turn-off to some people. Just my two cents.

[oddworld]

You are so articulate, you write so vividly. I don't believe anyones trauma or inability to cope is determined by events at all, its determined by the effects it has on you.
My best friend had a great family, lots of love, I was envious but turns out some things had such a big impact it almost pushed her over the edge. I was the opposite. I think you really need to allow yourself the right to feel how you feel without the need to justify or compare it.
Easy to say, hard to do, I know because I do it myself over and over again but I need to start taking my own advice and caring for me because apparently I am worth it and SO ARE YOU.
I'm new to this site and still finding my way around so I hope this made some kind of sense. You are worthy ... take care I'm thinking of you, Julie.

[vital]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

Just found this on my other forum: objective proof of how utterly worthless I am. Maybe I should just kill myself.


We are the same age. By contrast, I'm useless and incompetent at everything I do, too ugly to even get noticed, and can barely talk to anyone. I'm completely broke and on welfare, and will probably never get off. I have ZERO issues yet am completely neurotic. I have never won anything or been recognized and probably never will. I'm torn between being totally disinterested in sex and being curious but terrified. My inferiority complex is based in objective reality.

I am a piece of garbage - no, lower than that, actually, a filthy, worthless nothing.I absolutely deserve to die and stop wasting resources. I deserve it more than anything else. Look at her, versus me. Who would you choose to allow to live?

Heh. Sounds like Anne Hathaway is on your other forum.

Do you r e a l l y want to go on vacations with bankers and CEOs?

- vital

[ScientiaOmnisEst]

Originally Posted by OneInBillions

Sometimes the seeming cruelty of life bothers me too. Especially when I look at something like Facebook and realize all my old "friends" are now married with children, successful careers and everything whereas I'm a 30-year-old failure at life, a kissless virgin with no job, no real friends and no prospects, living in my parents' basement. Some people cannot even comprehend why others think of suicide, whereas I have to talk myself out of it all the time. Some are well-adjusted and successful, while I'm a broken person.

I've come to accept it, albeit grudgingly, as the variety of life. We're all different; it'd be an incredibly boring world if everyone was the same. Unfortunately life isn't fair, and there's no reason to it. It just is. I like to think that everyone has their challenges, but the reality is that some struggle more than others. But then I realize that those who live successful lives don't have to be as strong as I do. Maybe it's petty but I applaud myself for trudging on through so many difficulties that others will never face.

You need to look past the obvious comparison and read between the lines, IMO. There is no light without darkness, and there could be no geniuses without idiots, no successful people without failures. And your ability to live with extra challenges is perhaps even more impressive than the easy success of others, though it will never be as widely known. Give yourself more credit. You have just as much right to live and breathe as any millionaire, celebrity or genius, and don't ever think otherwise!

Oh, and to be totally honest I'd choose to meet you rather than her, or "allow you to live." Why? Because you sound like a much more interesting person. Believe it or not, perfection is actually a turn-off to some people. Just my two cents.

See, I tale issue with is kind of advice. Am I really just supposed to accept my inferiority, to be happy being am idiot so others can be brilliant? Or perhaps take pride in my uselessness? I know competing is futile but...I can't seem to figure out how to approach it in a way that doesn't lead to constant self-deprecation.

Usually it's not the material things that concern me, but the talemt and gifts they represent. Not necessarily the prestige or status (though yeah, I'm a narcissistic notch who would love to be honored and respected... for something worth doing. I though recently how often people have told me how smart I am, based on little more than how I talk. Perhaps I'm articulate, but I don't say anything profound. So such compliments don't mean anything to me. Maybe I'm too negative.

Originally Posted by vital

Do you r e a l l y want to go on vacations with bankers and CEOs?

- vital

No, but that isn't the point. The point is someone with such charm and attractiveness to have this kind of life.

The same way I get upset reading about people being crazy-successful in academic fields I don't care much for. The point is they're intelligent enough to do it and, the way I look at it in that moment, displays that they're better people who will undoubtedly have happier, more fulfilling and meaningful lives, the likes of which I'll never experience...

Or at least that's how I think in the moment.

[vital]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

...
The same way I get upset reading about people being crazy-successful in academic fields I don't care much for. The point is they're intelligent enough to do it and, the way I look at it in that moment, displays that they're better people who will undoubtedly have happier, more fulfilling and meaningful lives, the likes of which I'll never experience...

Or at least that's how I think in the moment.

I think a lot of people in academic fields feel intimidated by the top universities and by people there, but if you hang out with those guys, you realize that they're just like everyone else. Being good mostly comes from caring a lot about what you're doing, having good taste, being persistent and flexible and from training yourself rather than from some intrinsic property you have like intelligence.

Besides, what do you really want? Thousands of academic citations? Respect in some field? Fame? The big bucks? None of that stuff compares with breathing fresh air, eating good food, feeling healthy, seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, feeling your mind working, having good friends and family.

....Although I have to admit, it would be nice to be a billionaire, I imagine. Soooo relaxing, it would be.

[OneInBillions]

Originally Posted by ScientiaOmnisEst

See, I tale issue with is kind of advice. Am I really just supposed to accept my inferiority, to be happy being am idiot so others can be brilliant? Or perhaps take pride in my uselessness? I know competing is futile but...I can't seem to figure out how to approach it in a way that doesn't lead to constant self-deprecation.

Usually it's not the material things that concern me, but the talemt and gifts they represent. Not necessarily the prestige or status (though yeah, I'm a narcissistic notch who would love to be honored and respected... for something worth doing. I though recently how often people have told me how smart I am, based on little more than how I talk. Perhaps I'm articulate, but I don't say anything profound. So such compliments don't mean anything to me. Maybe I'm too negative.

I'm sorry you took issue with it; I was just trying to help. I think you should accept who you are, yes. If you can't do all the things that this other woman can do, then maybe it's sad or unfair but I don't think the comparison is useful at all -- it only gets you down. Just because you're not perfect doesn't mean you don't have the right to live. Take pride in overcoming your own challenges. Everyone has their own talents and gifts, but you have to work to find them sometimes. Or maybe they're not as readily visible. But you DO have them -- everyone does.

So yes, I think you are too negative. Try changing that way of thinking. It's easier said than done of course -- I developed some bad thought patterns over decades of low self-esteem and no confidence. I "failed" at CBT because I just couldn't convince myself to change those negative attitudes. Still, they tell me it's possible

[francisR]

Hi ScientiaOmnisEst

Having read what she said. I don't believe a word of this. Nobody who ever had depression could simply be this good. It doesn't fit. I think it is an entirely made up story.

But you are not garbage. Like everyone else on the planet. You are good at most things and not so good at a few which makes you just as worthy. We have to go on because doing otherwise would definitely ruin the lives of our loved ones and you don't want to do that. Perhaps you could get the medication strengthened and good therapy to give you the skills to manage symptoms.
Just try keeping your mind busy doing especially enjoyable things. And setting small, easy to achieve goals will give you the feeling that things are coming under control and build confidence.

I can understand that things are difficult on welfare. But there are food banks, and that would help to stretch income. And thrift shops do that. also. Take care. I hope and pray you feel much better soon. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis