Nothing important (warning: too long)

My father had depression, my mother had depression, my sister had depression... Depression runs in the family whether it is an environmental or a genetic thing. But they had an episode, they got treatment, and they got fine... I may say cured.
But for me this never seems to have an end. The first drug they tried was the one, I have tried so many... I may be better than I was a year ago, but that's not a day that goes by that I can feel truly happy.
I am a student, my memory and my thinking are some of the most important things I can have, not forgetting my energy. They all seem to be a little bit better, but I fear they can reverse... A year from now I have the most important exam of my life. I have to study really hard and I have to memorize what is written in thousands of pages. So I am afraid my mental abilities won't be enough. It is an exam where I am competing for a job place with another two thousand people.
And here I am, placed in the middle of nothing, still waiting for my life to begging. Feeling bad but smiling to everyone and not letting anybody knows. And I still feeling bad on the inside. My family wonders why after almost two years, I am still on meds. But what they don't know is that in my last appointment my doctor increased the dosage of one of my meds.
I know I won't get reed of depression so easily, I think I am domed to have chronic depression. It has been at least 6 years of depression... But I am almost sure they have been more than that. My hope is that I can get some psychotherapy and that it can help me put apart the issues that don't let me move on. I am tired of being so lonely, of not having any friends or someone I can trust.
I just wanted to feel that some of what I think is known by someone... I imagine my self a lot of times, telling my schoolmates what I have been through. But in the end I realize I can't tell any of them. So it's me and always only me....
I know this is long and I feel I am saying random things without a purpose, and not that important to deserve a post, just to get someone to pay attention to what I feel.

hi Mulan

I am sorry that you are depressed. Your family members may have had a different form of depression which is episodic. Yours may be chronic, which goes on all of the pain. the same as mine. Are you in therapy? That can give really good skills for managing depression. I think explaining to your family that your depression is continuous will let them know why meds are still necessary.
You are managing so far with your studies. so continuing with them is the best way to go, and if there are difficulties in the future you can always get help from the Dr. or a therapist.
There is Nami the organization for the mentally ill which you can Google, and contact to find out what services they have in your area. Very often they do have. peer to peer support groups where you can make good trustworthy friends and fellow sufferers make the best ones. There may also be depression support groups in your area that would be helpful. I hope and pray everything gets better for you soon. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

Sorry I saw your post in the daily check in and didn't see this one. If you have any friends you trust even a bit, I hope you let them in a little. There is more understanding about depression now than years ago. You are shouldering all of your feelings yourself. We all need to confide in people. Maybe your parents would be more supportive, I don't know, if you did tell them more about how you feel. At least here, on the forum, you know you aren't alone in having chronic lasting depression. I hope you can get therapy.

Hi Mulan,
I think it us great that you are getting medical support for your depression. Psychotherapy can be of great help, indeed. Apart from study and so on, do yo have any other routine, like walking?

One thing worth considering is that your depression may have a physical cause and you need to get your doctor to eliminate other potential causes. Once you have ruled out physical causes then you need to be sure that depression is the right diagnosis, you might be struggling with meds because you are suffering from a different mood disorder.

Even once you are sure of your diagnosis, finding the right anti-depressant or combination of meds can take a long time. You need to really open up to your doctors so they can better understand your problems and work with you to find the right treatment.

Hi, Mulan-
I'm so sorry this is happening to you. I know what it's like to have chronic depression- I've had mine for almost 7 years.
Have you talked to anyone about this? You'll find that the people you don't think can handle it can take surprisingly a lot.
There are a lot of people that can help you- teachers, parents, siblings, doctors... talk to someone you trust. Just know that we're all behind you and we want to help.