[AuroraBorealis75]

I have been depressed for so long that I feel like I don't know how to be anything else. I've hoped and tried and tried and hoped to get better, but I'm almost 40 and have struggled since the age of 10.

[vital]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I have been depressed for so long that I feel like I don't know how to be anything else. I've hoped and tried and tried and hoped to get better, but I'm almost 40 and have struggled since the age of 10.

You know what AuroraBorealis? I was depressed for longer than you and was similarly getting low on hope, but I am now completely over it.

Depression SEEMS like an all powerful foe that you can never shake, but that is an illusion. It's a trick. Depression's only power over you comes because getting into the depressed mode of being is unconscious. Because it's unconscious, it keeps coming back, seemingly no matter what you do. Because of that, you start to feel hopeless like you are expressing above. Believe it or not, there may be a simple way to break the spell. If you are, interested, have a look at this:

http://egg.bu.edu/~youssef/SNAP_CLUB...0164151576.pdf

- vital

[i dont matter]

What do I do when I loose all hope? I do something that's not good for me.

[AuroraBorealis75]

It's been like this for too long, this battle with despair, and the depression is winning, sucking my life and breath away. I think it's too late for me to get better. I've been depressed for more years than not. My thoughts don't know how to not be depressed. I've lost hope. Being alive is too painful and tiresome. My life is meaningless. Nothing makes sense. Mentally and emotionally and spiritually I am so tired.

[vital]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

It's been like this for too long, this battle with despair, and the depression is winning, sucking my life and breath away. I think it's too late for me to get better. I've been depressed for more years than not. My thoughts don't know how to not be depressed. I've lost hope. Being alive is too painful and tiresome. My life is meaningless. Nothing makes sense. Mentally and emotionally and spiritually I am so tired.

AuroraBorealis,

I always think that the first thing to do is to see a good M.D. and get yourself checked out carefully. If you have hypothyroidism, for instance, you're going to feel extremely tired and miserable all the time no matter what you do.

If I ever feel bad, I head for sensory experiences and live in the present moment. You might want to try that. Turn off your brain and just see, hear, taste, feel, smell. Go for a walk right now if you can. Your own senses can be wonderful healing forces for you.

- vital

[Fuzzybear]

[AuroraBorealis75]

I am in such a state right now that I can see beautiful things, hear beautiful music, but not be moved. Nothing matters anymore. I've started an antidepressant (when I was in the hospital) but I feel like I am getting more depressed. I know it takes time for an antidepressant to start working, but I feel worse since I started taking it, not better.

[vital]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I am in such a state right now that I can see beautiful things, hear beautiful music, but not be moved. Nothing matters anymore. I've started an antidepressant (when I was in the hospital) but I feel like I am getting more depressed. I know it takes time for an antidepressant to start working, but I feel worse since I started taking it, not better.

I would complain to your doc Aurora. Believe it or not, worsening depression or "emotional numbness" can be a side effect of antidepressants.

- vital

[Beachlover527]

Keep being strong. Don't give up just yet. Keep going and keep SEEKING things that make you feel better. Keep seeking for hope. In the moments that you feel better, you aren't depressed in that moment.
Believe you are worthy and that life can be beautiful.

Direct your energy towards the positives, to the good.

Life is already short. Make the best of the life you have and try to enjoy it
I know it's easier said than done but practice gratitude. Allow the things you find beautiful to bring you alive inside.



Also, if the life that you're living right now doesn't equate to a happy life, do something about it. What would a happy person do? How would a happy person spend their day? Because you can BECOME that happy person if you want to.

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[AuroraBorealis75]

Nothing makes me feel better. I don't even want to eat, and I normally struggle with compulsive overeating. But everything tastes like cardboard now, and eating is a chore instead of being enjoyable.

[Beachlover527]

Honestly, change something in your life. Change something that will make you feel happier. Because if you're doing the same things over and over again, it's not going to bring joy and it's going to feel like your depression is forever.
Have hope. Believe in yourself. You've suffered too long so do something different in your life.

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[AuroraBorealis75]

I've been trying to do that by going back to university, but it's too overwhelming, and it's that being so overwhelmed that landed me in the psych ward. How do I get myself out there and try something new when I am so depressed that I barely have the energy to get up in the morning and have a shower?

[Beachlover527]

"It takes 20 seconds of insane courage and I promise you something great will come out of it."
Think about the benefits of going back to school. List them all and let that be your motivation to go. Think of all the positives it would bring into your life. Let that out weight the negatives.

I believe in you Aurora! I know you can do it.


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[AuroraBorealis75]

I am in school but I have had to drop my practicum and another class due to declining mental health. I contacted a local mental health agency and had an intake over the phone. Now I have to wait until space opens up for me before I can go to an orientation and sign up for groups.

[Skeezyks]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I have been depressed for so long that I feel like I don't know how to be anything else. I've hoped and tried and tried and hoped to get better, but I'm almost 40 and have struggled since the age of 10.

Hello Aurora... Yes, I know what you're feeling. I'm now in my 60's & I can't recall a time when I wasn't depressed. And, in addition, my anxiety levels have always been off the charts. Perhaps you struggle with this too? My mental health challenges have lead me, over the years, into several suicide attempts... some serious... some sort-of laughable in retrospect.

My multiple problems began so early in life that it's simply not possible to know what caused what. It's all simply a tangled ball of wire that will never be unraveled. It all just is what it is. What I have finally come to is simply learning to live in the present moment & to try as much as possible to simply allow the difficult thoughts & emotions to come & go of their own volition without becoming hooked. One thing I have learned is that there is no sadness, no depression, no regret in the present moment. There is only the present moment.

In addition, I've had to come to accept that I am simply who I am... not who I wanted to be. It's difficult because, somehow, I ended up being a person I would not want to have anything to do with if I were someone else. But that's just the way it is.

I know from my own experience how difficult it is to keep going when all you've ever known is depression. And I can tell you that it gets even more difficult as you age. At least this has been my experience. So I would like to encourage you to keep searching for something that will help. I send you warm wishes to buoy you in your efforts.

[Pretzel Logic]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

Nothing makes me feel better. I don't even want to eat, and I normally struggle with compulsive overeating. But everything tastes like cardboard now, and eating is a chore instead of being enjoyable.

I know how you feel Aurora
I feel the same way. I am in a constant state of fear, I am tired all the time, I have to make myself eat because I do not have an appetite, I cannot find comfort in anything I feel like I am doomed, just remember you are not alone, there are many of us in the same boat. It is hard for me to remember that there are other people just like me.

[Pierro]

Hope is just lost, meaning you can find it again!

Best wishes

[BudFox]

Originally Posted by AuroraBorealis75

I am in such a state right now that I can see beautiful things, hear beautiful music, but not be moved. Nothing matters anymore. I've started an antidepressant (when I was in the hospital) but I feel like I am getting more depressed. I know it takes time for an antidepressant to start working, but I feel worse since I started taking it, not better.

What do you think is the root of your depression?

[OneInBillions]

What do I do? Let's see... I try to distract myself from it, mostly. My main hobby is video games so I immerse myself in them until I forget about my depression. It can be really hard sometimes because I'll lose interest in any game really fast, or just won't enjoy it. In which case I usually end up masturbating a lot, just to feel something good.

I also tend to come on here and post something, and the replies can help. So you're working in the right direction