[Monster2319]

Hi.

Short version: I am extremely depressed because I am absolutely lonely after moving away from home with my husband. Not in school, no job yet, social anxiety has kept me from going out much, depression is making me feel worse and worse about my situation every day. I have no friends here and my husband has grown angry with me for the "change" in my personality, but I am scared of failing. I know I need to go out but I don't know if I can. My husband's anger scares me because I worry he will want a divorce after seeing the worthless side of me that can't get out of bed and cries all day... Any suggestions would be so appreciated!

Long version: Recently, my husband decided to go back to college and we moved. I left my family and all my friends behind, and I am not making any friends here due to social anxieties. I have always been told I have depression, but (according to the test offered here) I have some signs of Borderline Personality Disorder that fit, but I didn't even know that existed. It fits better than "depression," as I usually feel my worst when someone I care about doesn't have time for me-- "I don't deserve love" comes intoy head often, though I know I do.

My mother has depression and has seen therapists since my father died in 1997, my stepfather has a short fuse and shouts easily (but not abusive, never belittled me), and my husband of 1 year has trouble controlling his anger (very recently he has belittled me).

My longterm memory is very bad, I have only snippets of anything before high school, so I go off the stories my mom tells. Mom's job is a neurologist (aka nerves/brain function, no surgery) so she got me tested for a slew of things very young. I have taken depression medicine and ADD medicine on and off since 5th grade, elementary school. Antidepressants make me feel absolutely empty, and my ADD meds made me better in school but worse socially. I have been the weird kid stereotype on steroids (minus any steroid use). I do not do well off meds, but I at least understand how to somewhat deal with my problems vs the emptiness while on meds which I had/have no idea how to address. I experimented with "self medication" by smoking pot and cigarettes in college, but the combo only made me cough and not actually address my problems. I have never enjoyed alcohol, as my mother told me horrible stories of my father's alcoholism that led him to his untimely death.

I gradually became less socially anxious in high school when I had a group of friends, but now (after moving to a new city) I am a wreck and can't even imagine going out for coffee without someone to latch on to. But without friends and with my husband in class all day, I have no one to go out with. I cannot leave my house alone for fear of... Social encounters, I guess? Even though I WANT to meet people... I don't even know why specifically it frightens me, because I miss talking to people and spend so much time online trying to talk to my friends from back home, but physical interaction feels scarier than it has for a long time.

I often have a general anxiety my mother always coined as "neurotic," but I do not experience panic attacks with shortness of breath. Just fear that makes me forget words and start sweating/overheating. The fear of feeling that fear keeps me from doing a lot of things I want to do, and my hatred of myself for being so afraid grows just as fast as my loneliness... It gets harder to even get up each day. I've been sleeping past noon, hours and hours, because being awake just reminds me that I am unproductive and worthless. When I'm awake, I read or watch tv or desperately try to text my friends back home between their schedules even though there's a 3 hour timezone difference.

My husband has recently started getting mad at me for how little I've done since the move, and today he snapped and shouted hurtful things, called me a disappointment. I wanted to disappear.

I have calmed down and while I do have general thoughts like "I wish I could disappear" I have not self harmed or ever attempted suicide, and I don't plan on starting. Still, I thought about finding a therapist, but I am jobless and therefore next to penniless after bills, so I will try this forum first. Any suggestions would be so appreciated!

Hello,

Years ago I also moved away from my home country and left behind everything and everyone I knew... I won't pretend that I know how you feel, but I suppose I can say that I get it, more or less...

I am socially anxious myself, and I tend to behave awkwardly in social situations, because I feel under pressure and I feel that I am being judged as if I am some sort of "artist" that needs to "perform" flawlessly, otherwise I "won't pass the audition".

That makes me wanna hide, I feel scared of going out and "failing"... so I think I get what you are saying.

Anyway, I can't help but noticing one thing that is really getting to me on your post: your husband's troubling behaviour.

Suffering abuse on the top of everything else is certainly not going to help you.

Forgive me for my observation, and I better not make any comment regarding that.

You need support from the ones who really care about you.

I hope you find your way out of this situation very soon.

Best of luck to you!

[detfan4life]

I can understand some of how you feel, as I have moved several times recently and felt a lot of loneliness each time. Recently, I am experiencing loneliness after being kicked out of a volunteer organization where most of my friends were, because I have a mental illness. Loneliness and social anxiety make it hard to function and make kust getting out of bed seem like a chore. I can relate to wanting to stay asleep because of feelings of worthlessness.

Although I know this may not work out, I would strongly suggest trying to find a therapist you can afford. When you feel like you have no one to turn to, and home life itself feels difficult, that's a good sign that a therapist would be a good connection in my experience. There may be free or low cost therapy or supports in your city--have you tried to google or look in to this? I realize you may already have tried, but I would encourage you to keep looking. Just the act of trying to find help can awaken something in yourself.

As far as social anxiety and loneliness goes, I have found friendly, likeminded people on meetup.com and at support groups. Have you found anything like that in your city?

[Fizzyo]

Hi Monster,

Your username may reflect how you feel about yourself, but I am sure underneath that there is a beautiful person trying to find some air.
If there is a way of getting some therapy or similar support, it would probably help you take stock and look for some way forward. Being in a new place with no friends and no job to help you find some is soooo hard and the impact on your self esteem can't be underestimated. Your husbands impatience will not help either.
If you are frightened of him and he won't listen there may be something wrong.
Sometimes men feel they have to fix all problems, including yours, and the fact that there isn't a quick fix would be frustrating, however that wouldn't excuse abusive behaviour that makes you afraid.

Can you find a way to structure your day with simple set tasks and distraction activities on a timetable that you try to stick to. This plan really helps me to break up my day into smaller chunks each of which is easier to survive than an endless long day. Even if emotionally you don't feel it, the small achievements give you a reason to remind yourself that you have and can achieve.

There is so much pain in your post, I really feel for you and wish you luck as you decide what you can do.