[tiredallthetime1]

It seems like I have nobody to talk to. My dad is a junkie and left our family when I was three, he overdosed a year later and fell into a coma - but recovered - and I was forced to visit him every month until recently. I feel like whenever I saw him as a kid he was always pissed off that he had to deal with me. He's immature and cruel, and although I think deep down he cares for me he almost never showed it. He still has a serious drinking problem.

My two grandpa's on either side of my family have both been more of a father to me than he ever was - this summer my grandpa died during finals of my first year of university, and his death was very traumatic. He had dementia and in less than a year he just slowly shrunk from a big booming personality to nothing. His death caused me to not do as well as I should have in my finals - I barely scrapped by. Now I have to go to second year and it's so stressful because I don't think I can do it but my family has no money for school so if I mess this up I might not get back into post-secondary.

My mom is crazy, she married and just divorced my abusive step dad who used to smack me around and was abusive for most of my childhood. I always knew that he hated me and he used to make fun of me and the way I look. Him and my mom used to scream and fight all the time and whenever she left he used to make me work for hours on end doing stupid stuff like picking all the moss out of our lawn with the wrong tools or sifting certain sized rocks out of sand in our backyard and if I messed up he'd smack me and yell at me and usually I'd get sent to my room for the rest of the day.

He was mean and acted like a drill Sargent - after a run-in with the law my mom divorced him. I feel like I missed out on high school because I was super lonely and had almost no friends. I remember thinking that it was worse for me than it was for some of the kids who got bullied - at least they had friends. I had nobody to relate to, nobody looked at me and nobody talked to me. I've still not had a girlfriend. It seems like any time I get close to a girl she finds somebody better, and that's if I get close, which doesn't usually happen to begin with because I find a way to mess it up by being awkward or saying something wrong.

Every time I think about my past or high school or even when I see two teenagers holding hands in love it just makes me so depressed

Possible trigger:

I want to crash my car or jump off a bridge or something.

Like I missed something I should have had and I'll never get it back.

I think about suicide all the time - I've been like this before but it's never been this bad for this long. I'm worried about it now because I don't know how much longer I can do this. I don't really even care about myself anymore. Earlier on in the summer I was really depressed and I slept all the time, for at least a month. I got better like always, but for the last while I've been worse than ever before. There's so much pressure now and I don't feel like I can handle it but everybody keeps pushing me and pushing me and telling me I can do it so I feel like I have to try.

I'm angry all the time, I kicked a hole through my door just the other day and I don't know why because I'm not a violent person. I feel like I need to seek out conflict or that I have to go fight somebody. I love writing stories and songs and lately I've been so messed up I can't even find the willpower to do that. It feels like writing is the only thing I have left and now I can't even do that.

I don't expect anybody to read this all or even respond - it just feels better to vent it all out.

[lonely-and-sad]

Have you see someone about your mental health? I know that tiredness.

Sent from my SM-G900I using Tapatalk

[Fuzzybear]

[Fizzyo]

Hi I'm so sorry life is so hard for you! Does the university offer any kind of pastoral support or counsellors? I hope you can find some real life support as well as coming here. I was depressed at university and it did affect my final grades, but I was still able to use the degree to get a job. I really hope you can find a way to do this too.
There's so much pressure these days to get a girlfriend when you're very young. I didn't go out with anyone till after university and boy did I feel lonely at the time, but looking back it let me grow up a bit and avoid the trauma of breaking up during that time. There will be someone for you, honest!
I sincerely wish you every encouragement I can as you try to find a way forward. Keep posting, maybe the game forum will offer some company and diversion?

[Tauren]

Like I missed something I should have had and I'll never get it back.

Because you did, and it's OK to be sad and pissed off about it. In fact you have a lot to be sad and pissed off about. You officially have permission to be as pissed off as you need to be!

I hope you find a way to keep it from running your life, though. A good counselor or therapist or just having people to talk to about it will help a lot with that.

[francisR]

hi Tiredallthetime

I'm sorry to hear that your dad is an alcoholic. All that can be done for him is to keep praying that he will see the need to start overcoming his addiction. Hopefully you are right. And deep down he does care.

There is the option of approaching the college authorities and explaining that you were grief stricken at the time of your finals and if there are resits you could redo them. But in any case you passed which is the important thing and please God will do so much better in the next exams. Keeping on with your course is the best thing to do. Informing the college authorities that you have depression entitles you to special consideration because that is classified as a disability

I am sorry you had such an abusive stepfather. But what comes around goes around. And that will come back to bite him in time. Have you approached the college authorities for a referral to their counseling service? They could signpost you to a really good therapist to give you good skills to manage depression. Even googling how to manage depression on the Internet brings up some really good information. Have you got good meds for the depression? That can make a big difference with a lot of good therapy, bringing the depression under control and substantially reducing pressure.
Suicide is not the answer. It would really destroy the lives of your loved ones that would never recover from the bad feelings and you really don't want to do that. When you start to feel better you will be able to write stories again. Indeed, some of them might be publishable, which would bring you in a bit of money. Could you become an author? I really hope and pray everything does after much better for you soon. Take care. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

[tiredallthetime1]

Wow thanks for all the support: I was in a major down swing for about a month or so and have been feeling a bit better now. I'm scared of taking meds because my sister is bipolar and she takes pills that won't let her sleep and make being creative tougher.

[Shakespearmint]

@Tiredallthetime

I'm really happy to hear that you're starting to feel a bit better. What seems like such a small thing can really be a mountainous feat for people who feel this way. I saw you said you're afraid of taking meds because of your sister and I wanted to say that I totally understand. For most of my life leading up to my own diagnosis and real struggle with depression, I watched my mom doing it. She would sleep for days. She was doing drugs, which I didn't realize at the time. Ultimately, she got sick of it and started trying everything from self-help CDs to antidepressant medication. Here's the sad truth about meds: There is a lot of stigma about mental health and medication. There are times when the meds flat-out work. They work! Not always and not for everyone, but sometimes. And the worst part about that is it's easy to find yourself feeling like your personality is reliant on a pill. I can't tell you how many times I cringed seeing the look on my moms face after she said something snippy to my dad and his reply was "Did you take your pill today?" They've become the 6 most hated words in my book, pretty much, especially when they were ultimately directed at me. I felt like nobody wanted to be around me if I wasn't taking my pills. Now, I was lucky and I don't experience any side effects from my drug of choice, which is Zoloft (though I'm most likely going to have to get on something very strong for my anxiety), however my sister does--She has really horrible nightmares whenever she takes her meds, so she studies and seeks out herbal remedies like St. John's Wort to take instead.

At the end of the day, you're your own person and you get to decide if you want to take the pill or not. But I just want you to know that #1, you are always you and a pill isn't going to change that, #2 sometimes the pills work and that's okay. Take them if they make you feel better. And #3, sometimes the pills -won't- work, and that's okay, too. This is your journey and your footsteps aren't going to fit exactly in place with mine or my mom's or my sister's or anyone else dealing with depression. The best thing you can do is figure out what works for you and ignore the "did you take your pill today" questions. Those people are wrong. The pills aren't going to change you or make you a different/better person. They're just going to lift that million-pound weight off your shoulders and let the real you breathe.

[arabianhorselover]

Originally Posted by tiredallthetime1

Wow thanks for all the support: I was in a major down swing for about a month or so and have been feeling a bit better now. I'm scared of taking meds because my sister is bipolar and she takes pills that won't let her sleep and make being creative tougher.

Don't assume that your reaction to medication will be the same as your sister'. You are a different person with a different problem, and there are many different meds out there. There should be something that works for you.

[Fizzyo]

I agree, if it helps improve your quality of life, it can be worth taking medication, even with or without side effects you can then make an informed choice whether it's benefit is more than the drawbacks.
Best wishes,and hugs, whatever you decide.