can i go on

hi i am so new to this but i have been battling this feeling of worthlessness for a very long time at least 2 years.i am married been for 12 yeas have 4 wonderfull kids who i would walk hell or high water for.but my prob is this i have not had no love no compassion no romance not even friend in my husband he treats me like im not even there.i have thought many of times in the last few weeks about suicide but my kids mean a great deal more to me then death tho it does sound appealing to be honest.please someone give me some advice on how to stay in a one sided marriage im talking we do nothing as a couple and part of that is because i feel so uncomfortable around him because i know he isnt in love with me but i have tried everything in my power to change things and make it right.i know its very old fassion but when i married i meant till death do us part and now it's like im waiting for the end of time....lonely and very confused in Ohio

Hi Amy.

I'm sorry that you are having such a rough time right now.

Have you actually talked to your husband about it? Ask him why he stopped paying attention to you? The only way to really solve this is to sit down and talk about it. I don't know what else to say except for that. I hope that is enough.

Take care.

<font color=red>~Sundance~</font color=red>

<font color=blue>"Never react emotionally to criticism. Analyze yourself to determine whether it is justified. If it is, correct yourself. Otherwise, go on about your business."</font color=blue>

<font color=black>Norman Vincent Peale</font color=black>

Hey Amy

Never commit suicide, especially if you have kids, the most wonderful thing any one of us can share...

Now not everything is under your power, amy, remember, it's the same for us all.

Starbuck

Born in 1963 of French mom and Canadian dad.

Hi Amy,

I'm sorry you're feeling so down. Try to love yourself and remember-- being a mother is an incredible job. You are raising four human beings who will impact this world in positive ways if you set a good example for them. So just know that and be comforted by it.

As for your husband, I would gently tell him that you need him to be present for you and with you in your marriage. You say he doesn't love you? I bet he will if he sees that you're loving yourself. So start right away! Act like the amazing woman you know deep down inside that you are. Not everyone has what it takes to raise 4 kids.

Something I learned when my husband didn't seem tuned in to me is this: if you want something, you must ask for it and be specific. Men don't think of surprising us by taking us up a mountain for a picnic. If you want him to do something with you, you might say, "I would like us to get a sitter next Saturday night and go out to dinner." (Unless your kids are old enough not to need a sitter... you get what I'm saying though, right?)

Also, run, don't walk to a book store or library and get Dr. Phil's book "Relationship Rescue" -- that will be a life saver.

And lastly, treat yourself, your husband and your kids with the utmost kindness and compassion as you go through your healing process. Especially yourself. Maybe you could find a way to get to a day spa without the kids and treat yourself to a facial, massage, pedicure and a new hairdo.

You can go on-- and you must go on-- you brought those children into the world to show them the beauty of it. Connect with the Earth and remember why you are here and why they are here. Take nature walks by yourself and with your kids. Get involved in what they're involved in. If they paint, paint with them. Find a hobby or creative outlet. And I'm a big fan of volunteer work (if you have time with 4 kids and a husband...)

Rent some comedy movies and start laughing! Monty Python and the Holy Grail is my favorite. Liar, Liar with Jim Carrey is another good one. Laughter is healing, so treat yourself to some, ASAP.

Good luck and keep us posted!

-Kelly

does you husband have any pains or torments you are aware of? when is he most loving to you (if ever?) why that day or that time? need he need support or strength or friendship from you then? can you use his need as a door to your needs, just to get the juices flowing? be careful, if he's got a bad side, it's just as possible it comes forward also...

try seeing a marriage counselor... is there one in your church? Also, if you live near a larger city resources are easier to come by on the cheap... Maybe individual counseling for yourself if he's reluctant...

The other advice you received is excellent. Suicide may be nothing more than ending life... you sound like an intelligent and compassionate person, the earth would cry a tear the day you died...

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but rising every time we fall." Confucius

Amy...

I am so very sorry that you are going through such a tough time right now. I was in a marriage where I didn't love my wife. I simply got tired of her manipulative behavior, emotional blackmail, using threats ... the fear, obligation and guilt. It was hell and I wound up looking to my kids for an emotional connection. I was so very close to my kids which made my divorce even harder because I miss my kids so much.

Unfortunately there are no easy answers to your situation. But, whatever you do you need to place your children first. I would hope that you and your husband could agree on that. You also need to get to marriage counseling and make sure both of you are committed to making the most out of the process. I went through counseling for a year. But, admittedly I was "going through the motions". If I had to do it all over again I would have given it 100%. With four kids in teh balance both you and your husband owe it to them, and to yourselves, to give counseling the best shot.

And, speaking from someone that has gone through a divorce, the grass is not always greener. Your husband married you for a reason. There had to be love there. Once you have kids, especially four of them, life gets real busy. I think a lot of couples just don't place their relationship as the number one priority, and it should be. The kids need to be taken care of, mom and dad play chauffer, then there is work, paying the bills, taking care of the house and on and on it goes. What often times comes last is the marriage. When, in fact, it needs to come first because that is the foundation upon which everything else is built.

Some may say that a divorced man is not in the position to be giving advice. But, I would argue that I am in a very good position to give that advice. Because, I have gone through it and seen the negative impact that it had on me, my ex wife and my kids. I am not sure if my marriage could have been salvaged. My ex wife exhibits the same negative behaviors now to my kids. But, I could have given it my all. I could have insisted the therapist work with us to change those behaviors. Instead I threw in the towel.

Sit down and have a heart to heart with your husband. Go to counseling. And, first and foremost.... place your marriage as the number one priority. ALWAYS find time for you two to spend together ALONE each week. Say I love you every singel day. Write a note and leave it in his suit pocket. Do all those little things that you do when you are courting. But do them all the time. Remember how good those things made you feel? It felt good doing them and it felt good to receive those things. So do them. Reinvest in your marriage. Give it your best shot. Make sure your husband gives it his best shot.

I came VERY close to committing suicide. Went to try to kill myslef a couple of times, but could never go through with it. Then I admitted myself to the hospital. I did all I could to get out of that hospital as it was not a pleasant experience to say the least. I left too soon and began to withdraw. I became suicidal again. I didn't call my kids, didn't see them. I hid from everyone. I began thinking my kids would be better off without me. Until one day my son discovered me at my apartment. The look on his face and the tears of relief from him and my daughter made quite an impact on me. I know how much they love me and how much they need me in their lives, just as your children need you in their lives.

You owe it to yourself and your kids to give this the best shot. Do it right the first time. Don't go through the motions. Give yourslef, your husband and your kids enough respect to do it right. And, make sure your husband does the same.

Good luck.